Oct 17 2012 in Elly's Granddaughter by EllysGdaughter
I had a heart-to-heart with my Awesome Hubby tonight and the outcome is a possible timeline for us to bow out of caregiving for Elly. I am really wondering how (or if) to have a reasonable conversation with Elly about her letting go of some of the responsibilities she feels she has. She is not functioning rationally which is born out by the laundry I came home to today. She is washing just one or two things at a time in the washing machine. This isn’t normal for her and I know that if I ask her about it she will rationalize her actions. Dementia, I assume Mrs. Early Stage Dementia is really to blame here.
I don’t want to wrestle the laundry and lunch preparations away from her because she still feels she needs purpose but she is not being realistic. According to my AH, I need to be more realistic in the care we give. Should I lovingly have a conversation with Elly, my grandmother, and Mrs. Early Stage Dementia to let them know that my caregiving will now step into her laundry, floor cleaning and our lunch meals as well?
She spent the afternoon nursing her “twisted back” from doing the ”four” loads of laundry, sweeping the porch, damp mopping the living room, changing her bed sheet and ?? The “twisted” or “cramping” back is coming up most days and for her to mention something personal bothering her is unusual especially more than one day out of the week. She still won’t ask for Help.
Awesome Hubby brought up his concerns about the tension and the argumentative conversations that I can sometimes have with Grandma. I don’t lash out at him or have a bad mood with him. We talked last night about how some of those arguments I let happen because I think she feels the need to argue and I will engage her without personal offense. He is understanding this now and because he wants to protect me, I need to reassure him that I am still okay.
I definitely need him to be there for me. We talked about how he is really “done” with caregiving for Grandma because she refuses to let him do the things she needs to have done and will not accept us as caregivers even after the talks we’ve had from the beginning onward.
Because we still have a home to move back to, I verbalized a timeline I’ve had in the back of my mind lately with Awesome Hubby. If Grandma continues to decline but refuses our caregiving judgement then she will need to be moved to a home by May; the house will be sold to pay for her care. If she can accept our help then we’ll be able to stay longer with her in a healthy way, but we are under no obligation to stay in this situation.
After 2 1/2 years, she hasn’t fully adjusted to the fact that we are living here to take care of her house and chores so that she can remain where she wants to be and is most comfortable. She may adjust now or deal with the adjustment to a “home.”
I see the realities and understand that Grandma’s personality issues may keep us from doing what we’ve envisioned. I already ask her if there are things I am missing that she sees that need to be taken care of and I’ll do them. Should I try addressing Grandma’s limitations with her to elicit permission and then if that doesn’t go well, just list the issues and how I will be doing the laundry, the floors, etc.? I have already taken over filling her pills without conversation, but she won’t engage me in her paying the bills yet. She originally said that she would listen to me when the time came for more care I am open to hearing opinions and advice.