Fighting the Feeling You’ll Be Left Behind
Nov 26 2012 in Tell Us, Your Caregiving Journey by Denise
If I’m on life’s sidelines, maybe it’s not so bad if I can get a seat on this bench.
A few weeks ago, as I was leaving the house to take a walk, my mom updated me on a younger relative’s dating life. Isn’t it wonderful, my mom said. She’s going on another date.
Now this younger relative is a beautiful young woman, inside and out, and deserves all the good that comes her way. I truly believe this. And, yet, as I walked, I felt green.
And, not green from a beautiful growth of charitable thinking.
It was the green that accompanies that green-eyed monster.
What is this about, I thought?
And, then it hit me: I’m afraid of being left behind, that my life choices mean I’m stuck in last place as others move forward. I turn 50 soon. I’m afraid I won’t ever have what I want. I’m afraid it’s too late for me. I’m afraid I’ll always stand on life’s sidelines.
Okay, I get it, I thought. What do I want to do about it?
I decided to keep walking. Because if I stop walking, I truly get left behind. When I keep walking, I have a chance to pick up what I want along the way. As I walk, my hands stay empty. I can receive. I can give.
I can keep my choices.
You may find yourself wondering if you’ll be left behind because of caregiving. Time doesn’t stop for us. It also doesn’t excuse us from its steady tick because of circumstances we can’t change.
And, yet, even though time doesn’t stop, our possibilities continue.
A thought shared during our last Hot Topics talk show truly comforted me. We spoke about what we believe happens after we die. Jane, ejourneys, Richard and Bette shared their beliefs and thoughts. (You can listen to our show via the player below.) After the show, I thought, We continue. Because we continue, our chances do, too.
Meaning, our current situation doesn’t end our life’s chances. We always have a chance to create the life we want, to continue to walk as we give and receive. We don’t hit a dead-end; our path continues, even as it seems to veer off-course. If we keep going, just maybe, the sidelines can lead to our life’s starting position. Perhaps we have all the time our life needs.
When do you worry you’ll be left behind? How do you cope? Please share in our comments section, below.
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ejourneys said on November 27, 2012
Part of how I cope is by remembering some past situations where I could have lost my life. The bottom line is that I’m on this side of the grass. I also engage in what perhaps is paradoxical thinking, in that I know that I am ultimately helpless. I know I will someday lose everything (i.e., I’m mortal). I have to be okay with that, but it also means I have to Carpe Diem however I can. Live each day to the fullest within that day’s constraints.
Jo said on November 27, 2012
Awww, Denise,
Your post brings to mind the quote attributed to Will Rogers, “we can’t all be heroes, someone has to stand on the curb and clap as they go by”
You work hard at making Caregiving.com et al not about you but wholly about us the family caregivers (one of many things we love about you), yet from time to time, the curtain slips and if we’re quick we get a glimpse behind the scenes of the enterprise “Denise”.
Once you again you’ve confirmed my suspicions, that behind the smile and always spot on wisdom beats a heart the size of Alaska (which is bigger than Texas by the way)
Thank-you for clapping and cheering for us as we shuffle by, making us think we are heroes when we often least feel like it. I can assure you, you are a hero to us as well.
Where we go, you go… not a chance we leave you behind.
50 huh?… and I had you pegged for only 48 1/2.
Denise said on November 27, 2012
Jo–I can’t tell you how much I appreciate how much you make me laugh! Always so grateful to be reminded that life is only as serious as I mistake it to be.
Bette said on November 27, 2012
Hi Denise,
Thank you for sharing your walk with us.
As I think about the “You’ll Be Okay” videos that you’ve challenged us with on AfterGiving – I’m reminded of the word ‘purpose’.
In the daily challenges I can forget that with each day comes a specific purpose. Although our purposes may change, that in no way effects their impact. You have an innate ability to give and share in ways that help others move forward and care for another. You effect both lives.
In our purpose we are prepared for something that only we can provide. So often, I wish I could see ahead – but that’s not what’s suppose to be.
I trust that with each year, you are being prepared as well. You may see a glimpse of what fifty will bring, but you never know what fifty is doing for fifty-one.
Trish said on November 27, 2012
The other comments are wonderful – just had to say that!
Denise, I had similar feelings before turning 50 (would I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish?; is it too late to do so?). It can be a frustrating and dark place. A woman I’m acquainted with through FB, wrote a beautiful post about turning 60 (and the commenters added to the wisdom). If you’re interested, here’s the link: http://judystonegoldman.com/how-do-i-make-this-time-count-reflections-on-november-and-what-comes-next/
What you do here through caregiving.com will continue. You have helped more people than I’m sure you even know and that, my dear friend, means everything. (As my niece told me this weekend, “you do know the internet is forever, right?”) Haha! She reads my blog and must worry about me. . .
So, keep walking and know we are all walking right there with you. Oh, and 50 wasn’t bad after all! (Neither is 51 but who’s counting – besides Jo).
ejourneys said on November 27, 2012
What everyone else said, Denise!
I’m 54. Every day for me is gravy, including this one, which has been difficult. No biggie — just the fatigue of constant interruptions and treading that fine emotional line with my partner. I’ve now had some food and can concentrate a little better.
It’s days like this one that remind me even more of how this site saves my sanity, thanks to everyone here and especially thanks to you — because your hard work and vision made this site possible and continue to nurture and grow it.
From reading your post, I suspect though that your life is more than Caregiving.com, just as our lives are more than our being caregivers alone. And that’s where the challenge lies.
Just as we must keep ourselves healthy while taking care of our carees, you need to keep yourself healthy (physically, psychologically, spiritually) while taking care of us.
I loved the post that Trish linked to. I smiled when Judy Stone-Goldman wrote, “So far nobody has rushed up to tell me how wonderful the 60s are.” The town where I live began as and is still mostly a retirement community. I met one man in his 90s who taught line dancing and another who painted beautiful landscapes. A dear friend in her 80s (twice a caregiver herself) is a very active poet. I bet a lot of people around here could tell about how wonderful their 60s were, not to mention their 70s. They seem to have more stamina than people half my age.
They also teach me a lot about surviving the challenges that come with age. I want to be like them when I grow up.
Of course, first that means I have to grow up. 
Denise, you have blessed and continue to bless this world with extraordinary healing — more people than you know, as Trish said. As Bette pointed out, purpose is not a static thing but an evolving one, and you continue to set your own purpose in motion even as you strive to meet it. And as Jo said, your heart is as big as Alaska — but much warmer! — and you are indeed a hero in this world. I can’t thank you enough.
It makes me want to turn around a question you have posed here often and ask: How can we help you? *Hugs*
G-J said on November 27, 2012
Denise,
The other writers have very eloquently stated the truth. I’m 52, and I found turning 50 to be rather freeing. I decided I no longer had to worry about what people thought or whether I was wearing fashionable clothes (actually, I’ve never been a fashionable dresser). I felt like I no longer needed to explain myself and my choices. It’s nobody’s business why I have an MBA yet have been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years and am now my husband’s caregiver. Rather than look at what I haven’t done, I’ve chosen to look at what I HAVE done in my life. And that’s just; it’s MY life and MY choices, not someone else’s. No one else has to like them. Well, I do want my husband and son to support my decisions, but it really doesn’t matter what people outside my family think.
Am I where I thought I’d be at this point in life? No, because I never envisioned myself being a caregiver for my spouse at this age. Does that make me a failure? No, it just means I’ve had to reassess where I am and develop new goals. How can I be the best I can be? Where do I want to make a difference in the world? It’s so easy for us to view things negatively, but it’s amazing when you look at your life to see what you HAVE accomplished rather than what you haven’t. I have a little notebook, and every year on January 1st, I list my ten biggest accomplishments of the year that just ended. I just checked and I started the lists with 1985. When I look back I don’t remember doing some of the things, while others make me smile and think, “Oh, yeah”.
Now is the time to look at the past with awe and admiration for all you have accomplished: life coach, business owner, published author, life changer, motivational speaker, and an inspiration to many. Make plans for the future and set goals for where you want to go, what you want to do, and who you want to be. 50 is a great time for reinventing parts of yourself and changing the parts you don’t like.
Denise, you are incredible and awesome, and don’t ever forget it! Thank you for all you have done to help me.
Denise said on November 27, 2012
Thanks so much, everyone, for all your wonderful thoughts. I’ve been doing my best to take time off on a regular basis and this afternoon was my time off. (G-J keeps me accountable for my time off.) I met with a friend, who gave me additional perspectives. And, of course, there’s nothing like a break.
So, I just booked a short trip away, leaving on Sunday and returning on Wednesday.
I’ll ask you all to hold the fort down. I’ll tell you more before I leave.
I appreciate your help very much.
Jo said on November 28, 2012
Uh oh! There goes our adult supervision. I’m going to behave of course but I won’t vouch for Bette and the rest.
Carol beebe said on November 28, 2012
First, I’ll say that turning 40 was much worse for me than turning 50 was. (And the impending 60 has not started to make me nervous yet.) When I was 40 I had expectations of what people would do for me, by 50 I started learning not to expect, so I am disappointed much less frequently.
Second, I’ll talk about fear of missing out: my husband was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy about 25 years ago. It’s a rare adult onset form and I am happy to say has progressed very slowly. He can still walk and do many of the things he likes to do. My more has always been very dependent on me and is now passing mid-stage dementia. She lives in assisted living with memory care (for which I thank God every day) but I have a lot of management of her medical and financial issues. What I fear missing out on the most, is the last few years of my husbands ability to walk and do some traveling, since every time I leave town my mom has some crisis.
But GET THIS I’ve been worrying about missing out on “the good old days when DH could walk” for the last 25 YEARS, and it has lead to many major life and career decisions that, looking back, put me in a really good place!
So, yeah, I’m missing out on some things but I’m carpe-ing every diem and it’s turning out just fine.
Denise said on November 28, 2012
Ah, Carol, this is just great. Thank you!! You’ve given me a very, very helpful perspective.
laura said on November 29, 2012
Oh this is all so true! I’m 35, no kids, and i feel like my whole life revolves around caretaking ( financially and otherwise). I admit i’m envious of all the people my age who have kids and joint incomes and vacations. I feel left behind because i don’t fit in anywhere, everyone my age is busy with their kids and people older than me typically have friendships with people their own age. Thank you for the story, i know how you feel!
Pegi said on December 2, 2012
A little late to the party, but I have to comment. Nothing insightful, just alot of agreement with all the others above. You give so much, you raise us up when we’re down, you give good, sound advice. Perhaps not the path you thought you would take, but what a legacy of love you are creating. Thank you.