The Memory Fixer: Caregiving from A Granddaughter’s Perspective
Jan 9 2013 in Caring for Four by lisa_renea
(This post was originally posted on Rescue Alert of California’s blog on December 20, 2012.)
My grandmother became ill when I was 28. A few months after I started helping take care of her she developed vascular dementia. Up until then I had handled her sickness pretty well but when she began having trouble with her memory I became determined to “fix” it.
She always had one of the best memories I’d ever seen, was skilled at taking care of financial matters, and could do complicated math problems in her head in no time (unlike me). She took care of everything and everybody. So when her memory started failing I took it as a personal affront. How dare the nefarious dementia steal her memory!
By sheer will I thought I could force the skills she lost back into her brain. I was a little bit wrong on that count. So…I decided to be a grown up and try to adjust to the situation. I fretted less over the person she was and focused more on the person she became. I cherished the time I spent with her and made new memories. And maybe learned some things along the way.
I found she responded better to help when I broke things down into small steps, didn’t “boss” her (she didn’t take to that too kindly), and didn’t change her routine. In the end dementia was a curse, but it was also a blessing.
Denise said on January 9, 2013
Hi Renea–This is just lovely. Nothing like the power of acceptance, even when a situation is very, very difficult to accept. Sounds you made new memories for her, too.
lisa_renea said on January 9, 2013
Thank you.
Sunshine=Sometimes said on January 9, 2013
Hi Renea, this is a beautiful testamony of love for your grandmother. Maybe you would like to submit it into the LOVE “GiftBook?” You might have it published! I really liked it too! P.S. Thanks for “befriending me!” I feel honored! Thanks again!
lisa_renea said on January 9, 2013
Thank you for accepting my friendship! What’s the LOVE giftbook? I haven’t heard of it.
Sunshine=Sometimes said on January 9, 2013
Hi Renea,
Get in touch with @denise and she will clue you into it. It has to be submitted by January 21, 2013. They will let you know if it is accepted by January 25th I think…. It’s good! You should submit it. You don’t get money but you help others on the site – or maybe you – to get up to $500 if they/you have a great need. Thanks!
lisa_renea said on January 10, 2013
Thanks to you and Denise for the info. I submitted it.
Sunshine=Sometimes said on January 10, 2013
Hey Renea, I am really glad you will submit this piece! It is sooo good! I loved it! Maybe you can blog more? I think you have real talent in writing about your journey through caregiving and talent in general writing! Tell me more about yourself!
lisa_renea said on January 10, 2013
Thanks for your interest. I’ve been a caregiver for over 9 yrs., it started with my grandmother and then expanded to other family members. I live in a multi-generational household with my Mom, husband, and grandfather.
tMike said on January 10, 2013
Hi Renea, I liked your story, too. My father had 4 sons who eventually gave him 4 grandsons and 2 granddaughters. He had fun with the boys, but the girls were his very precious love. At his passing, one girl was 4 and another was almost 20. The older girl spoke of my father just like you talk about your grandmother. She found my father to be a great friend. She was so good and so kind to him. For that I have always had special feelings for her, because she gave to my father in ways that nobody else could. I’m sure somebody has those same loving thoughts for you. Good stories. Good memories. Blessings to you, Mike
lisa_renea said on January 10, 2013
Thanks Mike
ejourneys said on January 11, 2013
Hi, Renea — I love your post. I’ve been learning better ways to communicate with my partner. She is still brilliant, but her brain damage from MS resembles and “could be” dementia. Your relinquishment makes me think of my own. Living in the moment and focusing on the people our carees have become leaves a lot of room for the blessings that come with being in a relationship.
lisa_renea said on January 11, 2013
The mental changes were hard to get used to at first but there’s no use dwelling on what used to be and enjoy and learn from what is.
Don said on April 13, 2013
Hi – just came upon your post. A really simple, insightful, helpful and inspiring perspective and observation. Thanks for sharing.
lisa_renea said on April 15, 2013
Thank you