Caring for Parents Part 4 (Climbing Mountains)

il-caregivingforparentspart4climbingmountainsI’m at the house and no one is here, so I’m relishing time away from dementia. Just read the blog that asks, “Have you had your blowup?” and I think I have.

I’m at my saturation point and need rest, but I’m not sure how to savor time or get time while I’m with my parents.  I just spent I think an hour trying to find a sock that I washed, tore apart my bed to find it, all the while saying to myself, “It’s just a sock.” In turn, my alternate inner voice said, “Yeah, but it’s your way of controlling what you can.”  “But it’s a sock…” On and on went the inner dialogue.

Went to the Farmer’s Market today with Mom and Dad, which is usually difficult as far as family dynamics go; Dad has a tendency to dictate and I worry for Mom as he will tell her she knows to put on underwear at night and yells at her, or is it that he’s scared, too?  Even if he is scared I wonder, does his yelling affect Mom with her dementia or does she forget?  I know it affects me.

And today is my ex-husband’s (or in my heart ex-husband’s) birthday and I’ve celebrated not being with him.  Bought some earrings I have no idea how I’m going to pay off, but the experience with the vendor made me so happy.  I was not only purchasing jewelry, but making a friend as well and having a conversation regarding my value as a person who needs a partner who respects me for who I am and for what I need.  Now that’s another story. For now, how do we climb those mountains that just seem insurmountable?


6 thoughts on “Caring for Parents Part 4 (Climbing Mountains)

  1. Avatar of RichardRichard

    IL, It sounds to me like with all you’ve done over the past few days from, buying yourself a gift, making a friend and overall getting out there I would say that you have taken those first steps up the mountain and are on a journey you need to continue on. Please keep us informed of your progress, even if it is only 15-20 feet at a time. Progress is Progress. Good Luck

    • Avatar of IlIl Post author

      Oh thank you Richard. Bless your heart. Especially for progress is progress. Good tears here for the validation! I waaaay overspent so I need to figure a way to make money for myself. Thank you so much for that validation and seeing that I’m on ‘the right path’. :) Sometimes it’s about .5 feet :)

  2. Avatar of DeniseDenise

    Hi–I think sometimes we need the biggest break from our own thoughts. :) I know I can drive myself nuts with worries and second-guessing and fretting. Sometimes, the mountain exists in my own mind. :)

    I do think the yelling is about fear. My dad is a yeller–and it’s all about his fear. I also think we are all affected by the yelling and a disease, even dementia, doesn’t shield us. And, individuals with dementia reflect our moods. Our stress stresses them.

    Have you spoken with your dad about his worries? I’m wondering if it would help to communicate with each other about the worries you both have. Once you air the worries, then you could work together to put a plan in place to address the worries.


  3. Avatar of IlIl Post author

    Thanks Denise . . . yes my mind second guesses itself alot . . and I mean alot :) I think the yelling is definitely about fear of his own mortality more so losing his wife . . .
    More about our stress stresses them please because I think you’re onto something there.

    I try to talk to him but he usually shoos (sp?) me away. I did talk a bit last night to him about concerns about Mom peeing in the bed/she had a rough morning yesterday . . the bed was soaked through I think 4 layers through the chucks and 2 layers of plastic to the mattress pad. Yikes! for Dad . . .

    So the first step . . was a heart to heart with him and thanks Denise so much for being there! Off to prepare for acupuncture now.



  4. Avatar of ejourneysejourneys

    Hi, Il — I agree with you about the .5 feet! Even a millimeter is progress. :-) Even if you have to backtrack to find a better way. It’s all progress.

    Often, when I question my partner, she goes off on a bunch of tangents and never addresses my question. :-) That lack of psychological insight is not unusual. And she’s got a lot of fear that sometimes comes out as anger. She also second-third-fourth-fifth-etc. guesses just about everything, to the point where the best thing I can do is just sit and listen and meditate on calm.

    I used to second-guess myself a lot, aching for a definitive answer on what “the right thing to do” was. It took years for me to realize I’m navigating without a map and need to just go with my gut. (((Hugs)))

  5. Avatar of IlIl Post author

    Oh EJ that’s good I almost typed backtracking and ‘second guessed it’ so yes somedays I feel like I’m backtracking but yes it’s all progress! How did you do italics in your reply? Hey EJ I hope you see what a blessing you are to your partner. I have depression issues and had a partner, or lack thereof, who did not support me in my challenges so thank you for her for you being there.


    Off to Acupuncture!



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