I’m in a pretty funky head space right now so be prepared. I’m warning you now to bail – go read something happy; save yourself! I’m in such a bad space, there’s going to be a bit of whining, moping and anger with a side of confusion.
I pride myself on being able to handle a lot of crap. My skin is (usually) thick. I can problem solve and stay calm in a crisis. Sure, I’ll melt down later but during the actual crisis I am the person you want on your team.
So who is this whiny, cranky, mopey, insecure creature I find myself inhabiting?
I find it difficult to tolerate whiny people so how have I become one? I have no patience at work for people who squabble and complain about insignificant problems. As the manager, I HAVE to find patience and listen and problem solve about a problem that really isn’t that terrible in the scheme of things.
I can definitely handle my job – it’s stressful since I am juggling a lot of tasks, usually with simultaneous deadlines – but I can do it.
I can do some freelance work and actually get paid! It’s not much but it boosts my confidence in a way no “regular” job can.
I can handle my husband’s chronic back pain and all that entails – no problem.
I can handle a new puppy – actually, it’s challenging since I’m not used to puppies and certainly not used to this one who is 50 pounds of unbridled energy, but – I got this.
I can handle taking care of Robert – the meds, the incontinence, the bathroom messes (yes, I’m talking about the poop), the endless loads of laundry and the making and unmaking of the bed/couch. By day, the family room is a family room and by night, it is Robert’s bedroom. It’s a room makeover every single day.
Separately, these are things I can handle.
Together, it’s making me a very cranky, insecure beeatch.
I have had several communication problems this weekend and I have to realize I am the common denominator in each of these situations.
I am not taking constructive criticism well which is something I haven’t had a problem with since – sheesh, since I can’t even remember when! For goodness sakes, this is disturbing me because I have reacted poorly to a throw away comment and am risking a friendship because of it.
Have I lost my mind?
I am on edge at work and am very close to telling the next person who whines (and that includes my bosses) to SUCK. IT. UP.
I got into a difficult conversation with Other Brother and that’s the first time we’ve talked in quite a while. I can count on one hand the amount of times we’ve not seen eye to eye in a conversation – and that’s in our entire lives! It doesn’t help that Robert has lived with us since April and he hasn’t yet visited, except when Robert was in the hospital (although, for that, I am very grateful). I understand he’s out of town and very busy but he did find time to go the same distance in the other direction to the ocean.
Not that I’m jealous or anything.
I even have had miscommunications with hubby (you all know him as @kreisler). Probably because it’s difficult to have an actual conversation with dogs barking and Robert needing something and our exhaustion.
These emotions and situations are ugly and I am not proud of myself for having any of them.
I want to be the best manager, employee, writer, wife, mom, sister, pet owner, friend I can be. (Not necessarily in that order.)
Part of my identity crisis comes from being true to who I am. Do I have to wait until retirement to completely pursue freelance writing? Maybe. It’s extremely difficult to do two jobs and take care of Robert and be a loving wife, devoted mom and compassionate friend. It makes me sad to have to wait and life is passing me by to spend it sad or mad or confused so I need an attitude adjustment.
I am lucky to have a stable job with extraordinary benefits and bosses who are sympathetic to my situation in caring for Robert. I need to repeat that one hundred times a day or until it soaks in.
I am lucky to have such supportive friends and family. Even when I unload The Crazy on them.
I am fortunate to be in a situation to be able to care for Robert so I am not constantly worried about the kind of care he is getting. That “situation” is being with a loving husband who is as dedicated to Robert as I am.
My days may be made crazy by the energetic puppy and our older dog (who has renewed energy because of the puppy!) but oh, the joy they bring me when they cuddle with me at bedtime. Taz, the puppy, is such a mama’s boy and I love it!
I need to figure out how to get out of this funk and feel the lightness again.
I need to reconcile the fragments of myself, put them all together so they are not conflicting with one another and find my happy and gratitude again. I need to stop whining and SUCK. IT. UP.
In the meantime, look out because this identity crisis is frightening.
- Discombobulated (caregiving.com)
- Co-Caregiving: Recognizing the Pitfalls and Avoiding the Sinkholes (caregiving.com)
- Co-Caregiving: Tips for Success (caregiving.com)
- Co-Caregiving: Developing into a Team (caregiving.com)
- Video Chat Managing a Caregiving Crisis (caregiving.com)
- ARGH!!! to “Family Caregivers Don’t Self-Identify” (caregiving.com)
- Dip (caregiving.com)