Somewhere In The Rainbow There Is That Pot Of Gold

Rainbow

Rainbow (Photo credit: steffe82)

When we let those things we feel are unspeakable be said, we become more integrated, whole, and healthier-–an increased experience of well-being—-especially too because of the support, understanding, empathy we receive and the gift you are giving to others.

I have to credit Bob (@rainbow) for that  first part and thank you guys for the validation that it’s okay to feel like I’m not doing a good job as a caregiver. The ummmph to say we are not bad caregivers; we are caregivers. We are here.

I started feeling like since I haven’t been able to call about fixing my mom’s wheelchair or I haven’t been able to contact the Alzheimer’s organization that I was not doing my ‘job’, when reality is that the system is a rabbit hole and I get stuck in it and risk losing myself. Then where would I be for my parents? or myself? or you guys?

In trying to keep up with dementia, I just realized I can’t. It’s too random. Been reading a book called “What Alice Forgot” and for some reason something just hit me as Mom and I were cooking dinner. She was cooking potato salad and slammed a fork ( or a spoon ) down saying THAT’S NOT THE WAY YOU DO IT.  To me it was silly but I think in Mom’s mind it was losing her identity.  There are so many little moments during the day like this that are challenges to handle right, to say “okay.” Alz.org says to respond x way and I don’t. And on it goes and on we swim in the random waves of dementia.

With that said, I’d like to publish these blogs as a book (ack!) and would love any help I can get. :)

Again, Bless You All  . . . or Namaste . . .  whatever you please! il

8 thoughts on “Somewhere In The Rainbow There Is That Pot Of Gold

  1. Avatar of EllysGdaughterEllysGdaughter

    Ooh, I am having a moment of wanting to put someone in their place right now! We keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing we can’t always do it the right way – this caregiving stuff!

    Reply
    • Avatar of IlIl Post author

      Huh, my brain triggers itself to say I’m doing something wrong so thank you for ‘this caregiving stuff’ ~ nope can’t always get it ‘right’ .. thanks!
      il

      Reply
  2. Avatar of darciejanedarciejane

    I am finding that the more I try to read and learn about caregiving, the more inadequate I feel. Example, I’ve been trying to remember not to raise my voice to my mom; her eyes just glaze over, she can’t deal with it and she certainly can’t respond to or absorb any point that I’m trying to make. So why can’t I just stop? I did it again last night. I feel like I’m discovering that I’m less compassionate than I thought I’d be. It’s not a happy discovery.

    When I arrive at my mom’s wiped out from work, I feel like I’m the one who needs a little understanding….something she no longer has to offer. She never did. Maybe I’m just now realizing that we were never that close, and maybe that’s why compassionate caregiving is not coming naturally to me.

    Later last night I listened to the “Is Caregiving a Burden” talk show. I wanted to shout, yes, yes, it’s a burden and even though we all hate the negative connotations of that word, how can we pretend that it isn’t a burden? Am I really so alone in feeling that way?

    Bad day, obviously. Tomorrow will be better. Thanks il, for the blog post.

    Reply
    • Avatar of IlIl Post author

      Goodness how could I have missed this post???? Uh, you’re welcome! Yes yes yes I was going say the same thing I don’t like the word caregiver it puts us in a ‘superior’ role, I think, to the people we care for in every way. I don’t see you having a bad day, just a day in the life . . . (((((((hugs ))))))))))) I think you said to me in a different post you were realizing that you weren’t a ‘caregiver’ and I find I raise my voice when I’m really missing the Mom I had or when I have a moment that you seem to be in touch with, that I never was close to my Dad and then he does something that Daddy always did like get dinner or give me a hug . . .
      Take care of yourself.
      What is it from Jerry MGuire (sp?) I hear my Mom, I gotta go to Bed . . . il

      Reply
  3. Avatar of ejourneysejourneys

    Il, when you are ready, there are many different ways to publish. :-)

    I’m usually cool-headed, but I was yelling earlier this week, due mainly to burnout. I most feel the burden aspect of caregiving when my partner is being noncompliant and fighting everyone, including doctors, therapists, and me — while she gets upset at the stuff that arises from her delusions. Sometimes her chaotic energies just get to me, no matter how much I’ve trained myself to see it all as the disease rather than the person. I’ve had to accept that I’m human. ;-)

    Reply
    • Avatar of IlIl Post author

      Huh, EJ I’m so glad I asked the computer tech to get me set up on Dad’s machine to keep in touch with you guys! Bless your hearts for the support. I’m ready to take baby steps for this dream. I think I’ve taken the first step by blogging, albeit by accident when I joined this site and thought I was putting a ‘general’ comment! Yes the disease does get to me not the person but it’s so hard when it’s someone you care about . . so much. What’s that saying you worry about those you care about not so much about those in passing?

      Reply
  4. Avatar of BobBob

    Did I really say those words, IL? (smile) It felt good to say them. I’m grateful they occurred to me. They were an amalgamation of my personal experience, my experience as a therapist, and a program I am currently listening to on CD called “The Neurobiology of “We” by Daniel Siegel, MD. I picked it up at the library. It’s important, I think to be able to experience those parts of ourselves we would rather not want to look at and be with them without judgment and without thinking they make up who we are. It’s not easy, but when we can, we can compassionately acknowledge them without feeling we are bad or fill ourselves with shame. As ejourneys said,we are accepting our humanity and in that process we can begin to feel whole. I don’t have to hide. I can be open. It feels freeing. I can see that my foibles are not necessarily entrenched patterns I need to fret over–just part of my human experience from which I can learn, grow, and evolve. It’s much better than beating ourselves up. I’m good at that.

    Darcy, I can truly appreciate your experience. I think we can care even though we are feeling burdened. And it may not be so easy to take care of a loved one with whom we may have had or have issues. Both my spouse (caree) and I have gone through a lot of upheaval with one another on this journey and I’m pretty certain there is more to come interspersed with better days filled with some joy, happiness, calm, empathy and joining. It hasn’t been an easy road for sure. We are both trying to do the best we can to handle a horrible situation. I think of it as trying our best to manage a bad hand of cards we have been dealt. I’m still very much under construction on this journey. There are days I feel I just can’t handle any more. Perhaps for many of us, it’s a day by day thing. There is so much to learn, so much to manage,so many challenges I’m facing. But so is everyone else. This journey has certainly made me aware of all my inadequacies as well as my strengths. Perhaps it is my Higher Power’s way of showing me I can meet tough challenges without sinking or falling apart when I try to find some meaning in it all. Well, I said enough.

    I, too, would like to write a book about my experiences with my caree’s experiences also. I’ve been jotting down streams of consciousness of my own and my wife’s in this regard. I find it very therapeutic and she does too. Best wishes to everyone….Bob

    Reply
  5. Avatar of IlIl Post author

    Yes you did say those words and I knew there was a reason behind the profound sayings . . you are a therapist who seems unbelievably compassionate. My one ‘challenge’, in a ‘good’ way to you is that is it a bad deck of cards or is just a deck of cards we are meant to play go fish together?

    Reply

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