Broken Glass

English: Broken glass

English: Broken glass (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I seem to be close to my ‘breaking point.’ The things my father says to me triggered me to no end last night and I ‘lost it.’ So many people say don’t lose it in front of your parents but that is so much easier said than done when you’re a human being (as opposed to something out of The Transformers!).

Sometimes I’d like to be one of those ‘creatures’ to immediately turn off those destructive emotions that possibly hurt my mom’s nerve cells and cause deterioration in everyone, including myself. I think I’ve been skirting around the issue of the fact that I’ve struggled with depression for a very long time and I feel close to my breaking point right  now.

Mom does not remember any of the conflict but Dad and I do and today she is wondering why she is upset. Dad and I have ‘made up’ in our own way, but the core issues are still there and have not been resolved.

Another wonderful chat helped me see that I do have rights to help with medical decisions without power of attorney and that it’s okay to call for help (e.g. Social Workers even it’s just for me ). And for the insight that this is where I live right now so how can I make life as good as it can be within my control.

Thank you guys for suggesting that I have a routine for myself to take breaks throughout the day ~ no matter what and to try to get outside help. Latter is driving me crazy because Dad is cutting back the hours on the health care worker they have (don’t know why). Piece one: I’m incredibly worried about my Mom’s decline. Piece two:  I’m incredibly worried that I might ‘break’ again.

Not fond of the word ‘break’ but I’m scared I may pressure myself so much that my brain will decide to take a vacation.

Suggestions?

Always, il

8 thoughts on “Broken Glass

  1. Profile photo of DeniseDenise

    Hi–It’s really hard to care for two. It’s stressful and overwhelming and it’s hard to think straight. It’s hard to find enough patience and energy. And, it’s a situation unlike any other you’ll ever encounter. I don’t believe anyone is ever prepared for what it’s like.

    Which is why you can’t have enough help and support.

    When you call for help, you can ask for support groups and programs that can help you. You can learn about the disease process, how to set up your home so your mom is safe, how to manage the behavior that can be so tricky to understand.

    Typically, local chapters of the Alzheimer’s Association will have social workers on staff who can meet with you and your parents. The social worker can help you put a plan in place so you all have the best help and support possible.

    It would be great if you have durable POA. It’s important that someone in the family does (and your brother does). Although you don’t have POA, you are with your parents every day helping them. You understand their needs, you understand the challenges, you live the stress. You can call and get help for all of you.

    If appropriate, a social worker can hold a family meeting between you and your brother over the phone. She can advocate for help and support.

    I’m glad you will call. You deserve as much help and support as you can get. :)

    Reply
  2. Profile photo of IlIl Post author

    Thanks Denise. I will call and explain that Dad is reluctant but I need help. Bless your heart for understanding and for your validation. Your post on Private is wonderful! il

    Reply
  3. Profile photo of analamasanalamas

    Wow!

    We never are alone in this world, even when we’re forced to think so.

    I feel that way, many, many days: locked out from reality. Sometimes it’s like my own version of “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”, and no one to turn to.

    I’ve “broken” a few times. It’s impossible not to! We’re only human. The big problem is how we feel after. Il, I’m taking care of Mum and Dad.

    Dad has senile dementia, he is blind and has a very serious heart condition.

    Mum has Parkinson’s, osteoporosis, and age related macular degeneration.

    Recently, Dad said he wanted me out of his house. That I was living off his money, and that I had no right to be. He told me I was lazy because I don’t have a job, and that I was no good at taking care of my kids. Wow! Few things have hurt that much. And for a few minutes I couldn’t remember all his illnesses. I lost it. I screamed at him, telling him he had no right…

    Then I just stepped back, in shock, unable to understand my own words. Ten minutes later Dad couldn’t remember any of it. Mum was stressed and crying for hours. Kids we’re unable to speak, with tears rolling down their faces and anger written in their eyes. Me, couldn’t begin to describe how I felt.

    I’ve found that it’s good to talk, to write, to listen to music, to take a walk (even if just for five minutes), to bake, anything that unwinds you, anything that can tire your senses, leaving you less conscience of all bad, more aware of good – specially the good which you find in yourself, in your abilities; which make you feel proud of yourself.

    It’s what Denise wrote about failure. We have to fail in order to succeed.

    Hope you get all the help you need. Hope you find your inner peace. I feel for you, and feel with you.

    Reply
  4. Profile photo of IlIl Post author

    I . . . am . . . crying . . . good . . . tears . . . I think you wrote exactly what I went through last night. . .. it’s so hard to say I’m not hurt even when those you love say such hurtful things and you’re ‘supposed’ to let go . . . I will come back to this! Thank you! I feel for you, and feel with you. il

    Reply
  5. Profile photo of analamasanalamas

    I’ll be here, even though quite far, physically: in Portugal, Europe.

    I wish you a peaceful night (don’t know the time there; almost 3 am here).

    ;)

    Reply
    • Profile photo of IlIl Post author

      Hey I just saw this . . thanks again for being there. I think you typed exactly what I went through . .. Bless your heart. il

      Reply

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