In a way, part of it is that I am feeling sorry for myself. I have a limited number of days off for summer and I work a lot of weekends during the school year and I have spent a majority of my weekends here since getting off for the summer. And although she says she “likes” to have us here, we spend half our time sitting in a dark and dingy living room with her in tears about something or other.
And if the things she was crying about made sense, I would be fine with it. But, they aren’t.
For example, she just started crying and when I asked her why she said it was because she was worried she had made the wrong decision to bring my dad home at the end of the month. This is a decision she made almost six weeks ago and is moving him from a place she HATES. It also means that she will not have to hire an additional caretaker to drive her back and forth to visit him twice a day as they will have someone here 24/7 and she will not need to go anywhere to see/visit with my dad (who is on hospice now).
When I asked her why she was upset about it, she said that the “room” which my sister has repainted and is almost done replacing the trim and baseboards in, where the caretaker will sleep, is “too much.” When I said it was almost done (seriously, two pieces of trim for the walls, one baseboard nailed down and the top of the window frame and it is completely finished other than moving in the twin bed that they found at a yard sale this weekend and putting on the sheets that I got for her on sale this past week), she said, “No it isn’t.” And it is so matter-of-fact that there is no argument – and then she cries again.
I took her grocery shopping to a new store in town this morning and about three minutes after arriving, she was complaining about the produce not being as good as the other store and the prices not being as good as the other store. So, I said, “Let’s go to the other store then.” And she says, “No, its too far and will be too crowded.” then spends the rest of the shopping trip complaining about this store.
It is like she is stuck in this negative funk and can see nothing good. She refuses solutions when I offer them (like going to the other store, which I would have been more than happy to have gone to). She gets herself into these funks and can see no good in anything or anyone. And then she starts to project that on to her entire future. It is exhausting. I know why she is exhausted. And it makes me exhausted. But, she refuses to go to a support group because she says “she is no good at that kind of stuff.” She takes anxiety medication, but she can’t take it all day everyday. I used to think it was the chemo, but she has now been off of chemo for over a month and nothing much has changed. She just shifts her negativity from her health onto other things.
So, I don’t know if I am seeking advice or seeking empathy or seeking sanity, but I just really felt the need to vent. It is not as if this is a new experience but I feel like it gets harder and harder to come here and spend days like this when the whole purpose is supposed to be because it makes her feel better. It doesn’t seem to make her feel better and it definitely doesn’t make us feel better. I want to be here for my mom (and my sister, which I guess is part of what has kept me coming even though I don’t think my mom is any less depressed when we are here), but it gets hard sometimes not to get totally frustrated with her, the situation and the total lack of positives.
I think part of what is making this weekend worse is that I’m exhausted, PMSing and really wanting a day to deal with my own stuff – which I have a lot of …and then that, in turn, makes me feel selfish and guilty. It is a vicious cycle.