Doubt and Shame

question-mark1I’ve been blogging alot since yesterday. It’s the need to share, I guess. And most certainly the doubt, triggering the shame… Do I feel ashamed?

Dad started up, yesterday. It was a bad night. He spoke all night long. Every time I started to fall asleep, he started talking. Mum got so nervous that see couldn’t stop coughing. At 5 a.m., I was making some herbal tea for them.

They both continued all through the morning. I had to send the kids out with my mother, to calm her down. The kids have been with their dad. They came over yesterday, for a few days. They’re going back to their dad’s on Monday.

Dad has been refusing food for the last three or four weeks. We sort of have to “force” him to eat. Doesn’t even want to drink water. We’re giving him supplements. His blood analysis showed a lack in protein. He has a tiny wound on his left ankle since April. The nurse comes over every two days to tend to it. But it just won’t heal. It could turn into an eschar. The family doctor says it could be due to the lack in protein.

Today, at lunch, Dad refused to eat. He said he hated that lunch – which was not true. He wanted me to make something else. I refused. I said that when he got hungry, he could eat his lunch. I’d warm it up for him. So he decided to take revenge: he wetted himself, right there. Fifteen minutes later, after I’d finished cleaning the kitchen, he wanted his lunch. I only gave it to him at tea time.

Sometimes I think Dad just wants to boss us around. I know most of the time he doesn’t know what anything’s really about. Sometimes he just needs attention. But when he becomes aggressive and incorrigable I feel it’s out of some kind of spite.

But I felt ashamed! I felt like I was treating Dad like a child. I’m his child. Not he mine!

I don’t always know what I’m doing… do I?


6 thoughts on “Doubt and Shame

  1. Avatar of RichardRichard

    Ana, I would say I know what your dealing with bu in truth, I don’t. Does dad have a medical mental issue? Has he had a stroke, alzheimers or did something else happen to cause him to act like this is what I’m reaching for? It sounds to me that when attention is being given to mom dad starts acting up to be placed in the spot light. Also that he wants to dictate when, where he wants to eat. When all was done and cleaned is when “He” want to eat. Of course, I am only going off your brief play by play of that one day. I did feel as if I were standing in the room watching it as it unfolded. Thank you for being so clear with the description. /:^{)> Richard

  2. Avatar of analamasanalamas Post author

    Hello Richard!

    Dad has Dementia. He is also blind and has a very serious heart condition. Altogether, it really messes him up.

    See, the dementia has advanced rather rapidly. Dad’s doctors say it’s due to the lack of oxygene in his brain. Dad’s heart beats very slowly.

    The fact that he’s blind makes it even worse. He loses all “sight” of reality. It’s always his imagination plays games on us all.

    Just this morning, I was sweeping the floor and accidently touched his leg with the broom. He started up, saying someone had just kicked him. And he just won’t accept the truth. He’s deffensive, but also quite aggressive.

  3. Avatar of SueSue

    Hi Ana – my dad also has dementia. He can no longer speak (hasn’t really been able to communicate verbally in well over a year). He is only aggressive when the caregivers try to change his clothes, bed, “diaper,” etc. He certainly can find his words then and they are all cuss words! But, he has been put on some medication for the aggression. Not sure if that would help your dad or not, but have they discussed trying medication to decrease his aggressiveness (and I think it helps with sleeplessness as well)?


    • Avatar of analamasanalamas Post author

      Hello Sue.

      Dad’s is a complicated clinical picture.

      See, when his psychiatric medication is increased or changed it always harms his heart condition. His pulse has been at 35/38 pulses per minute for the last few days, since his psychiatrist changed his meds. His heart should not beat above 58. But 35/38 is too slow. So we had to call the psychiatrist again, and he took him temperarily off some of the meds that slow him down, and increased his antipsychotics.

      So we always have to take into mind all his conditions when his meds are changed. It’s complicated…

      (Dad has by-pass, prostheses, an internal defibrillator; his heart is almost more artificial than real)

  4. Avatar of DeniseDenise

    Hi–I think so much can happen during a day which brings up the feelings of doubt and shame. So much happens that you can’t prepare for or expect. It’s a rawness that get just bring you to your knees. The solution, to me, seems to be do your best, using forgiveness (of yourself and others) as often as possible.

    I hope today was a better one. :)

    • Avatar of analamasanalamas Post author

      Much better Denise.

      Calm. Well, Dad’s starting up now. Grandaughter and Grandmother went to the hairdresser’s.

      They just got back. Dad was quiet all the time. As soon as they walked in (about 20 minutes ago), Dad started going “crazy”: taking his shoes of, asking Mum to put them on him, asking for tissues then throwing them into the bin and asking for more…

      Just have to wait a bit. Sometimes it helps to ignore him. Doing that at the moment. :)


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