(Tonight, we welcome a new blogger, Denine. You can connect with her on her profile: @denine120.)
Friday, July 12, 2013
I felt resentful for the first time today.
Less than a month ago, I was performing onstage in the Dominican Republic with a Christian hip hop dance group before an audience of close to 1,000 people.
Today, I officially resigned from my missionary position and became the primary caregiver for my grandmother.
Do I know what I’m getting myself into? No. Do I have any experience or training with dementia, or senior care, or any health-related issues? No. Has my family ever talked about this possibility? Had it ever even crossed my mind that I would be the one to end up taking care of her? Never.
No one pressured me into do this. I did so by my own free will, willingly. In fact, I haven’t even told my mom that I resigned yet.
In a way, it makes it harder to deal with days like this, when I feel like I’ve failed her. I CHOSE to be here, trusting that God would give me the strength and wisdom to care for her. But today, I simply don’t feel like it. I don’t want to ask if she has to go to the bathroom, or explain why she needs to change her diaper, or remove her dentures. I don’t want to explain for the 50th time that I will not help her get more cigarettes. Honestly, I don’t want to be in the same room with her.
And worst of all, I did not insist that she get up and eat before going to bed for the night, knowing that she hasn’t eaten since lunchtime. Although I passively asked if she was hungry (and lamely left a cookie and yogurt), I did not insist when she opted to stay in bed. That means she will go to sleep malnourished, and will wake up hungry and disoriented.
Is this how the cycle of neglect starts? If this is happening after three weeks, what will it be like after three months?
I’m scared. I truly am. Grateful, though, that I have my family who is being very supportive, encouraging and trusting. Grateful for the abundance of resources available to me. Grateful above all that God’s got my back, and showed me so clearly that I was supposed to be here.
So Grandma, I say to you tonight, the first time of what I’m sure will be many times: I’m sorry for not taking better care of you today. But I love you. And tomorrow will be better.
- Thanks for the Memories, Mom (caregiving.com)
- Video Chat: Caring for Children (caregiving.com)
- My Losses (caregiving.com)
- The Test (caregiving.com)
- Video Chat Tomorrow: Caring for More Than One (caregiving.com)
- A Promise that Can’t Break (caregiving.com)
- Frustrating Night (caregiving.com)