experimental raindrop bokeh (hbw 3)
experimental raindrop bokeh (hbw 3) (Photo credit: jmtimages)

Inspired by @ejourneys, as so many others have been in her latest post, I was thinking about the need to cry out in grief this morning.

For some reason, I don’t feel allowed to have emotions, let alone cry them out once in a while. When I do want to cry, I don’t seem to be able to release those tears. I wake up pretty much every day grieving about something, whether it be financial worries, divorce, the multiple traumas that happen every day (e.g. dinner and Mom), and my life plan and eventually I land here and receive validation beyond my expectations.

Every day as caregivers we grieve. We grieve ourselves, we grieve the loss of our parents and our carees, those we love and seem to be losing, including ourselves. Pegi (@worriedwife), I feel for you so much about your husband and hope you don’t mind my reply in a blog. I can’t imagine what it’s like to care for a spouse just as others say they can’t imagine what it’s like to care for parents.

I wonder if not allowing ourselves to cry is a defense mechanism so we can cope with the daily challenges and if that is why I love the Three Positives group.

But it’s essential to let those emotions out, even if it’s hitting a pillow. Living  with my parents, I lose sight of how strong I am (that was hard to type :)!). Divorce, Moving, Caring For Parents, Navigating The Medical System In A New County, The List Goes On.

I’d like to encourage people to write out just what I did so they can see how strong they are. I see it every day in posts, blogs, people dropping things to be there for me and for each other. And I’d like to know if anyone has insights or can relate to the block to crying things out.

Lastly, Mom made me laugh this morning. She was sneezing and said, “I think I’m allergic to mornings!”

Always, il

Categories: Caring for Parents,Il's Blog


11s Comments

  1. Profile photo of Il

    Hey Denise, first thank you so much for your support here and on Twitter :) Before I read that link it’s hard to release the tears for me because I’m constantly in survival mode to the point that I have a ‘wall’ to bring down to release tears. I expect so much from myself that the wall gets thicker the more I don’t cry. I also grew up with a father who yells and I am now living with him. And, with multiple hospitalizations for stress over the last year for me ( haven’t had the ‘guts’ to share that one yet ) there is a great deal to cry out. K, now I’m gonna read the link. Anyone else? il

  2. Profile photo of Il

    “They’re kind of shameful tears,” Moore says. It’s like saying, “I’m a dope, look at what an idiot I am, pity me,” he says. “So, spare me. I’d just as soon draw the curtain over that one!” This Denise and the tears for me are in direct correlation to my parents passing so not crying is a defense mechanism, albeit a ‘destructive’ one. And, when I do start crying Mom or Dad come in and my caregiving role is either interrupted or I feel guilt . . good question! il

  3. Profile photo of ejourneys

    Hi, Il — I cry pretty easily, but my partner’s been learning to cry, too. The bottom line is that we both have a safe space to be that vulnerable. (We both grew up in households where we received the response, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to really cry about!”)

    My mother, who was stoic through her stressful job and severe heart condition, cried during Marx Brothers movies. My father and I would be laughing at all the antics, but my mother focused on the subplots: the lovers would be separated or the theater would have to close — and those scenes were safe places for her to cry.

    Marge Piercy’s poem “For Strong Women” always gets my waterworks going: http://www.breakoutofthebox.com/strongwomen.htm (((Hugs)))

  4. Profile photo of Il

    Hey EJ can I come into your house or into that head of yours??? You’re a Godsend! ((((hugs back))))))) Yes, I’m the middle of gee what’s wrong with you so I haven’t cried for so long. Need a good one! Hmmmm subplots to cry that’s good . . oh I cried during Mudd the movie . .yeah! I’m human!

  5. Profile photo of darciejane

    I have a bit of a cry sometimes when I’m driving back from my mom’s place to mine. Something just wells up in me and it feels more like anger and frustration than anything else. I think, things aren’t so bad, what is this about? But it feels good somehow. I don’t have as much to deal with as you do, and I have plenty of alone-time in the midst of all this, in which to sort through my feelings. I do tend to have my little pity party from time to time, and it’s good for clearing my head and doing better the next day.

    • Profile photo of Il

      My goodness I have to work on self care here and knowing I’m OK. darcijane yes it helps all of us get out whatever is in there. Right now Mom is again Sundowning calling me for lunch and I’m ‘ignoring her’ sounds mean but I didn’t ask for lunch now and I have to have time to myself . . . Thanks you and how are you??? il

  6. Profile photo of

    Il, I do understand your feeling of not being allowed to have or express emotions. In my family, I am the only person who is actually in touch with their emotions. And if I dare to express them, I am judged and condemned for it. But I worked hard to break out of the stone cold denial world that my brothers and mother live in, and I’m not going back.

    I’ve learned to express my emotions in a healthy way. If I feel sad, I allow myself to cry, and then I pull it together and go on. If I get angry, I might have a brief outburst, but then it’s over. I don’t hold or carry grudges like the rest of them.

    But the grieving… yes, that’s the hardest one of all. Anticipatory grief, they call it, when you begin grieving the loss of your loved one before they die. I was reading something about anticipatory grief recently, and supposedly, those of us who are going through it now will have something of an easier time of it “when the time comes.” Maybe because we’re releasing in increments now, ahead of time, rather than all at once at the end.

    I don’t know if that will turn out to be true or not, but at least it gives me hope.

    Thanks for sharing your heart.

  7. Profile photo of Il

    Oh Jan welcome to this site! Yes anticipatory grief is huge but I don’t think that makes grieving any easier or the loss any easier. You hit the nail on the head when you say you’re condemned for feeling . . yup! And for the suggestion about church and for being there Jan! (((((((hug)))))))) back!

  8. Profile photo of Pegi

    I’m so glad your mother made you laugh today…I agree with her completely. Sometimes the laughter in our situations is too few and far in between. Thank you for your kind words directed at me. I, too, am a none crier. I had to make myself that way, as I am too sensitive. But it doesn’t serve a good purpose for your heart or soul. Found that crying while washing my hair or showering at least gives me the privacy! Not a solution. Your plate is overloaded. You’re doing an amazing job. If you need to emote, go for it. Hoping for better days ahead for you and your family.

  9. Profile photo of Il

    Pegi, thank you. It’s dinner now and I’m getting so much pressure to be there for something I don’t eat and so many mixed emotions. It’s amazing every time I post a blog the next one comes up . . like mixed emotions . . . and every time I get a sigh of relief from you guys. And for some reason I am surprised at the positive, I think no I know I’m used to criticism and I expect it and I’m sensitive so thank you! Oh that’s a good suggestion to emote in the shower ( laugh . . . I don’t always get privacy there either my parents come in! ) Hoping this vent will give you guys a peak into the next ‘il chapter’ :)




Leave A Reply

Your email address will not be published.