Just Don’t Know What To Do….
I guess I haven’t seen or realized the extent of Nicole’s depression since her Make-a-Wish visit with her friend Shayne. She and Shayne have been friends for about three years but have known each other for about five. A year ago he asked her to be his girlfriend. Since this time they have been “dating.” Shayne is a wonderful young man who really cares a lot about Nicole and vise versa.
Shayne and Nicole had been talking about him coming back for a visit for her birthday which is Sept. 23rd. She was excited about this and they had started making plans…then Shayne got a job which he started on Monday. He is working 10:00 p.m. to around 7:00 a.m. as a stock boy at a grocery store chain they have up in Maine. Shayne had to tell her on Monday or Tuesday that he wasn’t going to be able to come down for her birthday as he has to work 90 days before he can ask for any time off. His parents have told him that now that he is 18 he either has to go to college or work. He doesn’t want to go to college at this time because he doesn’t know what he wants to do.
This is where everything went to hell in a hand basket. Nicole naturally was disappointed about Shayne not coming down and she hasn’t been happy about him having a job either for that manner and has shown him very little support. She equates him not coming down with him not caring about her and she feels like she won’t see him again. Shayne was a bit insensitive and got a little mad because she was upset. Nicole said, Well aren’t you disappointed and he said, “No, because I’m still going to come down but it will just not be as soon as I thought.” Shayne is very laid back and his attitude is “it is what it is.”
For the last three days Nicole has done nothing but cry and be completely negative. Add to this that she ordered a Nintendo portable player and two games and the games where delivered yesterday just not to us. So this has added to her negativity, depression, sadness. Everybody is out to get her and nobody likes her etc. All her friends have jobs and she can’t work because of her illness. She will be forgotten and left behind by her friends. There is nothing wrong with her feelings and they are quite normal but she is letting them control her.
Shayne had to be to work at 9:00 p.m. last night and her other friends were working also so she was alone. She was crying after he left for work. She was still crying when I went to bed. This morning she woke up about 6:30 a.m. to use the bathroom. Shayne was out of work and I don’t know if she texted him or he texted her but they started texting. He told her that he didn’t think he would stay at the job but it has only been two days and he had to give it at least a few months. He was upset because he had no time with his friends and family. He said he would stick it out and even if he did leave he would learn from the experience and move on. He kept telling her he had to go to sleep but she kept texting him and he wouldn’t go to sleep while she was texting him but told her the longer she kept him up the later it would be before he could spend any time with her. She still crying and during this she can’t wear her oxygen and last night when she took her pulse ox it was 69. That is bad. Needless to say, I am going to run out of tissues.
I lost my patience this morning and said some very hurtful, but true, things to her. She is a selfish brat and only thinking of herself. She is miserable because she keeps telling herself she is miserable. She is putting undue pressure on Shayne and me and giving us the responsibility of trying to keep her happy. This is an exhausting job that can’t be done. I told her that she was nothing but a drama queen and Shayne was going to get sick of the drama. I admit I was hard on her but she deserves it. A little later probably around 8:30 she tapped on the wall and I went in. She said that she had texted Shayne that she thought he would be better off without her and she didn’t deserve him. What really got me was she called herself a “psycho c__t” (I can’t believe this). She also said that she thought it would be best to break up with him because he deserved someone better and she wasn’t good enough. She said that depression sucked and that she didn’t know what else to do: Either change, break up with him (I think she said something else) or kill herself.
Do you know what this did for me when I read this and what it will do to Shayne when he wakes up to read this. I find it ironic that she was so worried that once Shayne met her his feelings would change and he wouldn’t want her anymore and it is the opposite. Her feelings haven’t changed but she can’t handle all the change that has happened since he was here.
I will not lie. I do not understand why she obsesses like she does. I will be amazed if we get through this day without her losing her friendship with Shayne. I worry about Nicole as she is going to make herself sick which will put her into the hospital. I did get mean at this point and told her I wouldn’t stay with her if this happened and that I was tired of doing all the things I do for her but if I ask her to do something for me I have to beg, plead, nag etc. I don’t know when Nicole turned into this person. I feel so bad because I was the one who suggested meeting Shayne for her make-a-wish and she has been sad and depressed ever since. Shayne even said to her last night it seemed like she was always sad and depressed when she was with him which is true but she is even worse when she isn’t with him.
I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this. She sees her counselor on Tuesday I believe. I think her Zoloft will need to be increased or they will need to put her on something else that will help the depression. I thought losing Nicole to pulmonary hypertension or complications from that was the worst thing that could happen but I realize that it would be her taking her own life. I live with enough guilt already because of her illness I couldn’t live with the guilt of her hurting herself also.