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My Own Worst Enemy

Emoticons_Worried_faceI am exhausted and extremely tired but I have not had a good night’s sleep since we moved.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying, things will work out, etc, etc. I get it. They usually work themselves out despite the pitfalls we have to face on our way to our destination but I can’t shake this fear off.

When we were living alone, I didn’t sleep, either. I got on average, about four hours a night. If that. I was afraid to go to sleep and wake up to Marc having a seizure or needing some sort of help. But I made it work. Work and taking care of Marc. Lots of stress but I kept going.

I feel as if I am at a stand still and that is what sucks. I am used to doing. If not for Marc then for someone else. And a BIG reason for this move is because I had tons of people relying on me all the time but no one I could rely on myself. And moving minimized their dependency on me. It was to give me a break.

Yet, I am just now realizing, although I was always going, tired and angry at the lack of help I received, their dependency on me made me dependent on them. I needed their constant neediness to keep me focused and moving.

Now, don’t get me wrong, even though I am not working, I am not sitting around idle, either. I am doing lots of things. Just nothing that feels… productive.

Marc has been hell bent on regaining his independence. So, I pretty much let him and his friend wander. They do what they want whenever they want. As long as he’s taken his meds (which he pops his head into whatever room I’m in to tell me the minute he’s done it) then he has pretty much been having the time of his life. Playing video games, watching movies, cartoons, and playing more video games. Oh, did I mention, my husband is a gamer.

This is great! Because for a long while he didn’t even want to look at a video game. He didn’t want to do anything. He was so depressed. I am glad he’s happy and motivated to do something… anything.

But I, on the other hand, am feeling so demotivated. Which is the entire reason I keep having panic attacks and cannot sleep.

What’s sad is… there were a million things I wanted to do. Craft projects I wanted to start. Writing I wanted to finish. Classes I wanted to sign up for. Books I needed to finish or wanted to start. But I don’t have the motivation to do any of these things.

Mainly my days are spent trying to force myself to nap for more than five minutes at a time, worrying about Marc and the insurance issue and everything else, or cleaning. And let me tell ya, there ain’t much to clean.

I am my own worst enemy right now and I just want to slap myself and say, “Snap out of it!”

Today is Marc’s first doctor appointment with his new doctor. They couldn’t assure me they would see us until we got there. We have a plan to go to the ER and request the MRI there if they do refuse to see us; however, I am hoping that my biggest fear that has caused this paralyzing behavior will be removed with this appointment and tonight I can sleep. This appointment is the biggest issue weighing heavily on my mind right now.

Wish us luck!

About Casandra

Avatar of Casandra
Hi! My name is Casandra Porter. I am the wife of, Marc, whom I care for. He suffers from a potential fatal infection that has spread to his brain. Something that is extremely rare. He is a patient of both Mayo Clinic AZ and Stanford University and has many other doctors on consult worldwide. We are a young-ish couple, in our early 30s. Marc is an avid video gamer and the resident comic relief. I am an amateur writer but my main focus is on working with independent artists and writers helping them gain following through social media outlets. I run several blogs. My current project with Marc is a blog called, Running With Sharp ObjectsIt is a blog dedicated to our marital conversations about the most wacky and hilarious topics, mostly pertaining to pop culture. It's a way to keep humor in our lives and bring a little bit to others. We are also setting up a Facebook page for this site where we share inspirational stories, quotes, etc. But, you can always find me right here on blogging about my life as a Caregiver.


  1. Avatar of ejourneys

    Oh, I hear you. I’ve been there. So much I’ve wanted to do, and absolutely zero motivation even when I have the time and space to do it.

    What worked for me was allowing that paralysis to happen, without self-judgment. And that’s hard for a self-starter like me. I had to learn a new way of Be-ing.

    The thing is, I was paralyzed on the outside. But on the inside, beyond where I could actually see it or really feel it, I knew that my body and soul were doing a lot of hard work and making a lot of adjustments. I knew I had to give myself the time and the space for that, though I didn’t have to like it. I just had to accept it. The more I fought against it, the more depressed I got.

    I had to let the old clear out to make way for the new, whatever the new was. I had to ditch the “shoulds” (“I should be productive!”). I had to accept that my exhaustion came from heavy lifting that I otherwise couldn’t detect.

    I hope the appointment went well and am keeping my fingers crossed that you have peace and rejuvenation. (((Hugs)))

  2. Avatar of Pegi

    Hope your appointment went well and gives you some peace. I have been have the same problem with motivation. Since the last months and my husbands every other week hospital stays it’s been worse. I lay in bed trying to talk myself into getting up; it seems like such an effort. EJ, you gave wonderful advice, much food for thought for myself also. I agree whole heartedly with EJ, Cassandra; perhaps we should just allow ourselves that bit and not judge. You have just been and are still going through so many changes. Be gentle to yourself. Take the time you need.

  3. Avatar of

    ahh, motivation. if only that could be bought at the store. oh wait, even if it could, i probably wouldn’t be able to afford it considering the state of my wallet. lol

    I hope the appointment went well and I hope that you get some sleep. You remind me of myself a bit. I seem to perform better when I am accountable to others, the more I am needed, the more energy I seem to have but when it comes to myself, I couldn’t find one ounce of motivation. It’s as if I didn’t matter, but the truth is….I matter. Just as YOU matter. And b/c you matter, you have to allow yourself the time and space to think of yourself BEFORE you think of your husband and his meds. It doesn’t make you a bad wife, it simply makes you a better one. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of others EVEN BETTER than you would have done originally.

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