“I am a fighter. I am strong. I am stubborn and bull-headed at times. I can endure anything. It’s all in my mind. When I set my mind to something, I run with it.” That’s me. I’ve said this to myself hundreds of times and nothing has ever stopped me from doing what I set out to do. However, lately, I can’t make up my mind. I’m a zombie. My will power is gone. My fight is gone. I’m just here.
The past few weeks have been really, really hard. More so emotionally. My grandparents are fighting me on everything! I try to help. But it’s not enough. I forget this. I didn’t do this. That wasn’t done. Papa won’t do this. And that. Gma needs this done but I have to decode what she says to understand the task. She’s pulling spoiled bread out of the trash and giving it to Papa. Giving him my two-week old Mountain Dew that’s been sitting in the fridge. She tried cooking but rice and lime beans is not an ideal meal to my stepdaughter and fiancé, then left me to finish it, all the while cooking the others their dinner. Gma loves her candy but decides to give my two-year-old son Hershey Drops and gummy bears right before a nap or bedtime. Keeps telling me that he’s hurting when he is actually just upset or cranky.
I am exhausted. I am angry. I am absolutely miserable. I’m the center of a spiraling tornado of mixed emotions, stress, worries and problems. My soul is literally screaming in agony. I have no one to turn to you but this support group. My fiancé knows the decisions are mine and cannot offer much advice because he, too, is feeling the same. He knows when something is wrong; lately it’s been the same issues so he is aware but the only thing he can offer is a hug, ears to listen and a “I love you babe”. He can’t change or improve the issues. My mom is going through some things, and with countless texts and emails, I am once again pushed to back burner. I literally have not heard her voice in months. It’s tearing me apart. These are her parents, I am her daughter, yet her problems are overpower us?!!
My sister is planning her wedding in November; they officially picked a date. I was planning at the beginning of the year for my October wedding. From the lack of my family’s interest, we are eloping. But, of course, my parents are all on board with her wedding. They are helping her plan. Mom is going dress shopping this weekend. But this past July, Mom was supposed to go with me; guess what? It never happened. Go figure. My grandparent’s son calls every couple of weeks but I’m no concern to him. We don’t speak. He asks about my fiancé, from what Gma says. You would think he’d want to speak to me to see what’s going on with his parents. Yeah, they are capable of having conversations but they get confused, sometimes the things they say just don’t make sense and they won’t tell him the things he may want to know (current doctors visits, update on their health, certain issues we are having.) Papa keeps eating several times throughout the day even though he’s on a diet because of his diabetes, etc. I need help. I need my family members to be on my side. I need to know that they have my back. That I am not so utterly alone.
This fire is burning out. I’m losing my fight more and more as the days go on. Hours feel like days. Days feel like weeks. Weeks feel like months. The only thing that keeps me going is my little family. My son makes me smile; I can feel the warm light picking through this dark mess that is my soul. My fiancé gives me his love and devotion. My stepdaughter lets me be a mother figure to her; I’ve always wanted a daughter and unfortunately with being a caregiver I cannot even think of having another child right now.
I need to go to school. I need more than this CNA license under my belt. But, what if something happens and it interferes with my classes? What if I’m so stressed, I can’t study enough and I fail? I need a job but I have many full-time jobs at home. What, do I work nights? Work morning shift? Evening shift is out of the question for sure. What about if Gma and Papa have appointments the afternoon after I get off work? I don’t do well with lack of sleep. What if there’s an emergency when I am at work? All they have is me. My fiancé works. Who will pick up my stepdaughter from school? Who will watch my son? I don’t trust daycare, especially in the area I live in. Who will help my stepdaughter with homework and who will do her hair each morning? Who will check Papa’s sugar? Give him his medicine and make sure he takes them? Who will prepare all the meals? Who will plan and cook dinner? If I get a job, that’s even more on my plate. This house will be such a disaster if I have one more thing on my plate of To-Dos. I am so lost. So confused. I need my mom. I need answers. I need help. I need a pause button. I need a break!!
Answer this, when is it time to quit? Or, is there ever a time to quit on family? Is this until end of life position? Is it right to quit, even when you are so broken? What do I do….
- No One Thinks of Me (caregiving.com)
- Listen Here! (caregiving.com)
- My Mama Is a Rockstarr (caregiving.com)
- Loneliness, Depression and Caregiving (caregiving.com)
- A Move for Mom (caregiving.com)
- How Do You Know When It’s Time? (caregiving.com)
- Paxil Please! (caregiving.com)
- Need a Hand Up? (caregiving.com)