To Be Frozen or Not to Be Frozen…What Shall I Do?

Good Morning, everyone. There is always a lapse in time between my posts, but as I am sure everyone here knows, time can run and pass and before you know it, it’s been a month, or two….

Smokey is okay. Still on IV’s and peg feedings although we have been trying to transition to liquid food. I bought a Nutribullet, well, I charged it, and I do not like to charge anything unless I believe it is absolutely needed, and this did fall into that category. This morning, his daughter brought him a McDonalds biscuit and sausage gravy and asked if I could put it in the bullet. I said we would give it a try. Well, with some added water, guess what? It tasted just like McDonald’s biscuit and gravy! He loved it! We have to be so careful.

An MRI with contrast is scheduled for next week to see if there has been any healing or improvements on the “pocket” that remained after the surgery. His infectious disease doctor told us to not take another surgery off the table should it show no improvements. We don’t like that suggestion, at all. The initial surgery that was suppose to fix everything was 10 hours, another one would mean undoing what has been done and redoing it again, only using another part of his body for the flap. Not a 10-hour surgery, but more like 12 to 14 hours. We are praying for healing as you might imagine. And I know we are not alone praying for this.

The IV’s he has been on for almost one whole year now need to be changed to the next part of the “protocol” for treating this infection. Problem is, they are pills. He can’t swallow pills, or even take a chance and they cannot be crushed. The doctor is doing some investigating as we have to make some decisions and they must be made soon. The long term use of the IV antibiotics he is on now are starting to take their toll in different ways in his body. On top of all that, they don’t even have a way to gauge if the infection is gone or not.

I posted on my Facebook timeline the other day that it has almost been 365 days since I began getting up around 4:30 everything single morning, seven days a week to first spend a bit of time with God, then begin to get everything ready for him and his mom. 365 days! Wow!

Smokey also fell the other day. His legs just fell asleep and he was sleepy and he didn’t stop to think about moving them around a bit before he stood up. Down he went, and that hurt him. His back, where it had broken, has begun to hurt badly again before the fall and they are going to check that as well with this MRI coming up.

But other than all that, he is up in weight and doing great! Happy Happy Happy! Yeah right! I am being a bit sarcastic!  But at the same time I am also saying, one day at a time, with the hope of the Lord, prayers, and believing that he will get better! I just have to keep believing and I can only do that through my faith in Christ and the time I spend with the Lord. Which seems to be a lot lately, and there isn’t anything wrong with that! I would prefer to spend my time with Him over anyone else, ever!

Mema is okay. She is moving much slower, I had some medications changed, which seems at least right now to have helped her. She fell only three days before Smokey fell, in her bathroom. Can’t tell you what happened other than I just happened to be up at 3:30 in the morning and heard the fall, otherwise I may not have heard her. She said her legs just gave out, that’s possible, but she has a terrible habit of being stubborn and not using the grab bars available everywhere to her. Thankfully she was okay, and thankfully the Lord gave me the strength to pick her up. That used to not be such a hard task, but unfortunately, I have lost a good bit of weight, and with that, my strength isn’t the same. Yes, I am eating, probably not as good as I should, and yes, I have been to the doctor this month.

I should get the results back this next week. If it isn’t enough dealing with everything else, I am in “that time period of my life” that many would consider putting me away for a while. Hopefully the results will just show I need I little tune up and perhaps I can get some energy and strength back. If they have something to restore some youthfulness, I just might consider it!

Back to Mema, I have just changed her adult day care center placement. Where she was going was perfect for the time period, but recently I have noticed that she had become more and more unhappy there. Most of the people there have some sort of mental disability and she really had no one to socialize with. Given the opportunity, she is still the social butterfly and enjoys outings, food, games, shopping and such. My only issue is I am unable to financially provide for her other than her necessities. She has been out of “her” lotion for a month. I gave her a bottle of mine, which does not suit her, but she is using it until I am able to get what she likes. Hers costs around $12 a bottle, she doesn’t know how to be resourceful with it, so she runs out quickly. She runs out of briefs every month since Medicaid cut back again on the amount she gets and I must purchase several packs of those each month. It’s hard to explain to her that is more important than a $12 bottle of lotion or a seafood platter she so enjoys that is $22 a plate.

Believe me, I so wish I could give her all her heart’s desire. But I can’t and that is the end of it. I do all I can.

The new day care facility she will be attending has made some special accommodations for me and my time frames. They have been so helpful, and they have already picked out the ladies she will be spending time with. They told me to not be surprised if she comes home ready to “party”! LOL Fine with me. I want her happy. And lately, she has not been happy. It cannot be easy for her to sit and watch as her son fights for his life and her daughter-in-law seems to be withering away slowly.

Stress is an understatement in this home. However, with all my time I am spending with the Lord, I am happy to report that I am getting better at it. It would be nice to not have monthly bills to worry with every month, or whether or not I will have enough to make all the bills, or if I will even have the time to do the work when I get work. But for now, God has a work He is doing in me and I have decided to give up and give in to Him. He has to do a much better job at running my life than I do, so please, Lord, have it! If I could only keep my hands off of it, and allow Him to do His work….that’s another story.

I have moved from being frozen in fear to actually making some decisions and following through. Sadly I withdrew from school. I had too. It was just too much to stay on top of. I was doing well and enjoyed it so much. I also started before Smokey became ill because I was thinking of our future and possible other work opportunities that would not be so hard on my body. I prayed a lot about it and found much peace in that decision. Perhaps I can continue at a later time.

I have been going through every inch of the house, either packing things up that Nacole, our daughter may want later, throwing away, getting stuff ready for a yard sale, or finding things I may be able to sell on Ebay or Craigslist that would help our financial position. I can’t believe some of the things I have sold. Things I thought were so important to me that were either my parents or their parents. But now, things mean very little to me. I will have to say that I haven’t reached that point with my home yet. I would really love to stay in our home if at all possible. And I keep praying for a miracle! Either some sort of work with help or someone will just pay it off for me. Hey, if you are thinking, yeah right, don’t forget something–God is bigger than you can ever imagine and He can do all things. Will He? I don’t know, and if not, then I know He still has a plan. But I am praying to hold on to our home, and praying that it lines up with God’s will. I do want to walk in His will, and I know I am probably a tough case for Him, but He won’t give up on me, and I will hang on to Him with all my might!

Other decisions I have made are letting go of some things I just thought I had to hold on to. I could find a hundred ways to justify and reason why to hang on to these “things”. But most recently, I have been so blessed with God’s Spirit showing me how unimportant all these things were, and if I would just let go, He has a plan that will work out better for me. Working through working on yourself is no easy task either, but hopefully you, my readers, are believers, and you know He does not ask us to do one thing He doesn’t provide a way to do them and a purpose for them.

One other decision I made was to share with some close prayer warriors some of my writings. They were impressed enough that they sent them on to others who work with publishers. I also thought about entering a Guideposts contest to publish a book but I think I will be eliminated from any chance to reach a finalist stage. They don’t want you to use anything in the “public domain” and I have, due to time restraints, used some photos in my “Sticky Notes from God” posts. I thought it would be a wonderful devotional, and I have had many who compliment me on my writing. What is amazing is the writing isn’t me, its God. It is always God. I am always inspired and get revelation through Him when write.

Sometimes I allow myself to dream big and think about something like: A book I have written hits The New York Times Best Seller List, sells millions of copies and all my financial troubles are over!  I can finally relax and just spend my time, writing, painting and caring for my loved ones and doing for them things I cannot do now…dream big, right!? God is a big God; you never know.

I have decided to enter it anyway, with a cover letter explaining my situation and should I even be considered, I could always make the necessary changes to fit their regulations. But to meet their deadline and continue to do what I do everyday, I would have to enter it “as is”. I am praying for God to go before me and well, if it’s meant to be, then it will.

So, I guess I am not as frozen in fear as I once had been, even though there are times you may find me curled up in a ball wishing the world away. I am making progress.

I have discovered many things about others and about myself. I am stronger than I think.

Getting old ain’t for sissies!

Caregiving really ain’t for sissies!

God Bless you all and I will try to update you will my progress. Love to all!



One thought on “To Be Frozen or Not to Be Frozen…What Shall I Do?

  1. Avatar of DeniseDenise

    Carla–I love how you write–it’s conversational, inspiring, relatable. I feel like you just stopped by my house for a cup of coffee and a bit of catch-up. I love it. :)

    I’m so glad you are “un-freezing.” There’s so much to fear that the freeze is understandable. You aren’t a sissie, either. :) And, that’s why you fight each day for Smokey, Mema and yourself.

    I’ve got everything crossed possible for you for the contest. Continue to put yourself out there. I believe God wants us to share our gifts and that’s what you’re doing. Keep going!!!


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