Am I Ready For This?
Richard’s (Hospice) nurse came over for her weekly visit this morning to check his vitals. I love that woman. She’s professional, to the point, kind, caring, and she always takes the time to visit with me as well to see how I’m doing. I mentioned joining caregiving.com and she was very happy to hear that I have an outlet for the frustrations and fears and anger – and that everyone on the site can relate.
As I expected, Richard’s heart, lungs, pulse, pressure are perfect. She says she can see him deteriorating each week, but not rapidly and we both realize that this can go on for months more. She and I actually spoke today about catheters and diapers. Wow! With all my talk about his denial and his family’s denial, I guess I’ve had some denial too. I never pictured myself changing my husband’s diaper. What a bizarre image! I think if/when it comes to him needing diapers, he’s going to be devastated. And me, am I strong enough to do that? I’m not talking physically – I’ve lifted heavier bags of cement than what he weighs, when we re-built our fence after Hurricane Wilma. She left a package with me today – diapers, not cement. Don’t need them yet, but I expect we will before long.
For a graphic artist who’s always had trouble even removing a splinter, I’ve gotten real good at changing bandages on his lesion, sponge baths, administering medicine, dumping/cleaning urinals and bedside commodes… But a diaper for my husband? Yikes! I hope I can handle that!