Beans

beansTonight, while eating a can of cold baked beans over the kitchen sink, I was reminded that this is the holiday season, a time of thanks and feasting, perhaps not always in that order.

I am very grateful for my beans. I eat them cold so my wife, who is bed-ridden in the front room, cannot smell food being prepared and get nauseous again.

She has terminal cancer.

I have unending thanks.

I am thankful for every breath she takes. Some days, and many nights like them, I sit quietly and watch her breath, wondering if there will be another breath. I ask myself if I have the courage to leave her be if it is.

I am thankful for the smiles she gives me when I bring her breakfast; she seems continually amazed that I have mastered the toaster.

I am thankful for how she talks to our pets, as if they really understand what she is saying; deep down, I know they do.

I am thankful for the medications that dampen her pain, and for those that listen to her and prescribe them.

I am thankful for our support network that intuitively knows when we need them close, and when we need distance.

Above all, I am thankful I am here with her, doing the work only I can do. I interpret her silence and the implication in her words. I read the pain in her face and have confidence in the relief I bring. I know our time is measured, but value the meaning of every minute.

I am with her. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, where I need to be. These are difficult days and wonderful days. I have never been of more value for her, and ultimately, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

And that makes the beans taste pretty good.

Reprinted from my blog http://besidesthecancer.org.

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Avatar of Bob Marcotte

About Bob Marcotte

WHAT ABOUT BOB? My name is Bob Marcotte, and I am a musician, photographer, author and caregiver. Unlike my other job titles, the caregiver job title came without training and with little notice. Now, it’s the job title I am most proud of. I live in California with my wife, Carole, who is still recovering from her massive surgeries. We are guarded and kept company by our two dogs and a cat, all rescued animals. After the Stanford medical miracle, perhaps Carole can be considered ‘rescued’, too. You can contact us at bob@besidesthecancer.org . ABOUT THE BOOK If everyone's life is a book, and every day a page, then there are some days that deserve to be dog-eared. Your high school graduation, your wedding day, the birth of your children, and the day that your doctor discusses cancer with you for the first time. I wrote "You Mean, Besides the Cancer?" to vent frustration, to keep hold of my sanity, and hopefully help future caregivers. If you are a caregiver, or about to be one, this book can hopefully shortcut the learning curve that sliced me to shreds. This book is the story of my wife's cancer and our journey through the medical system that eventually led us to one of the most cutting edge, lifesaving surgeries on earth. You can buy the book on our blog or online at the usual online bookstores. The price of the e-book is $1.99. It's as low as they'd let be price it. This book was not written to make money. Our blog is http://besidesthecancer.org.

6 thoughts on “Beans

  1. Avatar of RichardRichard

    How heart warming. Bob you are a true hero in my book. And you are right, you are right where your suppose to be. Happy Holidays to both of you.

    Reply
  2. Avatar of CasandraCasandra

    Bob, that was so wonderful to read and to get a glimpse of the love you have for your wife. You’re amazing husband and friend and I am sure that is exactly what she needs. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

    Reply
  3. Avatar of PegiPegi

    Such a truly wonderful tribute of your love. How fortunate you are to have each other. You both remain in my prayers. Also sending wishes for a blessed and lovely holiday season.

    Reply

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