Actually, I’ve been having a rough couple of months.
Marc has been doing really well with his recovery until I got sick. If I am not cooking and making sure he is eating every day and drinking fluids regularly then it doesn’t get done. In the span of the two weeks I’ve been down from severe migraines and being lightheaded, he’s become dehydrated and started having fevers. I finally got him hydrated again and the fevers under control. Since he is on so many medications I don’t think he understands that just because he has two liters of IV fluid daily that he still needs to eat and drink regularly. I understand he probably doesn’t feel like it but now I have put him back on three liters a day. Originally, I dropped it down to two liters because he was having issues retaining the water and with poor communication from the doctors, it was my best judgment. Since that issue has been corrected, I now have to correct his dehydration and eating habits. It’s insane the chaos that two weeks of not following a routine can cause.
Today, I was feeling really down on myself. I was upset because I’d let the ball drop with Marc because I’d let myself get sick and upset because I had no insurance to combat half the issues I have that are making me sick. I came home from my dental appointment, which has been prolonged because of the issue of having no insurance and dealing with issues that were not properly done when I did have the insurance, and tried to relax because my blood pressure was 161/99 which is incredibly high for me. I am always normal range.
Then I kept thinking, why is my blood pressure so high and if I don’t have insurance how am I going to get medication to lower it if it gets out of control? Cycle of obsessive and unhelpful thoughts pouring over me. I spoke with my mom who told me that having dental issues actually raises your blood pressure, especially if there is pain and an infection. Yet, she also reminded me, I am doing my best and that I can only focus on one day at a time.
I know all this but some times it helps to be reminded. It helped calm me down.
A friend today posted something that we’d seen from TEDx a month ago that we were both moved by and told me that the young man who had done the talk had passed away today. I remembered the talk but decided to watch it again. All I could do was cry for 20 minutes. I was so heartbroken.
This high school kid had lived such a wonderful life even with the illness he had. He was so positive and upbeat. I, on the other hand, had a migraine and a toothache and had crawled into the fetal position for a few weeks hiding from life while my husband, who never complains about anything, tried to take care of himself and me, in the process. I felt absolutely horrible.
I was sad because here I was complaining about being tired, frustrated and sick when I spent every day with someone who like this young man in the video had bigger obstacles in life and just seemed to breeze through them with so much more grace than I was able to muster over the last few weeks. Sad for myself because I expected more from myself.
Despite having this young man as inspiration, despite having my husband as inspiration… I am tired. It’s true. I feel as if everything is coming crashing down right now around me and I am too weak to try to pick up the pieces. This is what upsets me most because I have been taking care of Marc since 2003. He had something very similar then and I walked right through it as if it was nothing. I nursed him back to health, got him back to work and kept working myself during the entire ordeal. Granted, this time he was much worse. This time he almost died twice and has developed multiple other issues with it but I have been dealing with this new round of illness with him since 2012 and I have had my weak moments but none so weak as these current ones.
I think it is all the push back, all the obstacles that we’re facing. As soon as one gets settled and cleared up there is one more waiting in the distance to create more struggle.
I know I will get past this hump and once I feel better my outlook will change. I haven’t given up by any means but I am in definite need of a break.
Any way, here is the video I watched today of Sam Bern, may his beautiful soul rest in peace.