It’s the only answer. Mom has to have a secret decoder ring somewhere. When I was younger, you could order a real working secret decoder ring on the back of comics and MAD Magazine .25 cents. No, you could not get the secrets codes to the United States weapons arsenal.
Lately, Mom has been, for lack of a better way of putting it, keeping health related information from everyone. Think about it this way. She made a point of getting a POA (Power of Attorney) with me named as her agent in case something happens so someone could take care of everything. So then why would she feel the need to withhold findings from her health-related from me? Why withhold anything when we’ve already made it through years of COPD fluctuations, a stroke and then heart attack (same week), all the speech therapies, neurology and psychology visits, then a lung surgery (drained 1/2 the lung and scrapped 40-plus years of smoking residue off the walls), edema issues causing her to be admitted about four times over the past few years. Then over a six-month period, she loses 65 lbs. to be able to go through a double heart valve replacement surgery because the surgeon would not do it unless she lost a minimum of 40 lbs? I say “we” in that sentence only for the fact that I happily took on the duties of getting Mom to her appointments when she was unable to drive? I kept the family informed as to what was happening and was there for support through some stressful times.
Merriam-Webster defines secret as:
- kept hidden from others: known to only a few people
- keeping information hidden from others
I do not want to believe that she is withholding information from us because she doesn’t think we can handle it, that it will be too much for us or that she feels we are already to overwhelmed with what we have going on now that she just does not want to add to it. I’ve explained to her over and over (maybe too much) about how much we care for and would do anything for her, including having her move in with us when the time comes. If one of the above or any variation of one of them is correct how can I not take it personally? This procedure is not some little, “Let’s remove an ingrown toe nail. O, “My, you have a fever.” This one is pretty serious.
You don’t go from a basic biopsy to we need you to come back for a second procedure and this time we’re knocking you out for nothing. They’re calling you back in for a reason. With Mom’s depression, she’s already down and then getting a call like this would put any one, depressed or not, into a state of worry, which means an even deeper depression. You can always tell when Mom’s worried or in a depressed state, she will either start mixing up him/her or he/she and so forth or she will try and rush you off the phone call. Those are her tell-tale signs.
Of course, the family caregiver and the POA agent can be two different people. In my opinion both of these individuals should be made aware of any and all changes to a caree’s physical/health status. My questions to you is: In terms of medical, health and finances, when is it okay, if at all, for a caree, caree’s friend or other family members to keep necessary information from the family caregiver? Or from the caree’s POA agent? Should the doctor be required to inform the caree’s family caregiver of changes in their caree’s health or medications?
How do you deal with or, better yet, how do you care for a caree that does not confide in you 100%?
- Three Pounds Overnight Or Six Pounds in a Week (caregiving.com)
- Meet a Working Family Caregiver: Michelle Kuehn (caregiving.com)
- A Quick Medication Double Check (caregiving.com)
- Me, Myself and Mom (caregiving.com)
- Graceldoor and the Three Bedrooms: Someone’s Been Sleeping in My Bed (caregiving.com)
- It is Hard Leaving Mom With a Caregiver (caregiving.com)