I have kept this bottled up for a very long time, but I think it’s finally time to get it out. For whatever reason, I had a little internal meltdown yesterday. It started because my husband wasn’t done with dialysis on time and I had to make two trips through bad traffic to get him. Even though it wasn’t his fault, I was mad at him. (His blood pressure was too low, and they wouldn’t let him leave).
The thing is though, it is kind of his fault. He continues to drink too much water, so they have to pull more fluids, and that causes a bigger drop in BP. I have told him over and over that he has to be careful, and all the risk factors of too much fluid in the body, but he won’t listen.
Here is the big confession…I blame my husband for getting sick and ruining our lives. People can’t control getting cancer, or Alzheimer’s, or being born with some other disease, but my husband’s illness was preventable. He has been a diabetic since he was 10 years old (he’s 30 now), but he didn’t keep his blood sugar under control. He said he would “forget” to take his insulin. How do you forget to take something you have been taking almost your entire life?!?! He has been in the hospital five times in the four years we have been together. Every time they told him he had to get his blood sugar under control and every time he didn’t. If he had, he wouldn’t have kidney disease. At least not at the age of 30, maybe by the time he was 60 or something.
When he was diagnosed last January, I worked as hard as I could to make sure he was eating right and taking his insulin, I would even text him from work to remind him. He did really good for most of the year, but then he stopped. And now he seems to be back into a lot of his old habits. I tell him that he needs to be walking several times each day, not far, but something. He has to eat right and take his insulin. He has been good about taking it, but he won’t do the other things. His blood sugar has been high the last few months, and I think it’s because he just lays around at home. High blood sugar is soooooo bad for his already not working kidneys. I can’t seem to get him to understand that this will kill him if he doesn’t take control now. I don’t want him to die, but I can’t force him to take care of himself. I have to work, we don’t have a choice. I can’t be at home with him 24/7 to make sure he walks or eats right. (Unfortunately, we live with my parents, so I can’t limit what is in the house). Do I just let him slowly kill himself? What do I do?
I know it sounds dramatic, but I do feel like our life is ruined. My only dream in life has been to become a mother. I don’t see that happening now. How can my husband care for a child when he can’t even take care of himself. How can I care for a child when I’m already stressed to the max taking care of my husband? Money is a big issue also, but more importantly, I don’t want my child growing up with a parent that is too sick to take care of them. What kind of a life is that? My heart aches so badly every day over this loss. I don’t know how to deal with it, so I try to keep busy and just ignore it. If I have too much free time on my hands I just get overwhelmed with sadness.
You may be thinking, well Meghan, what did you do to take care of your husband before last January? I got that question from my brother in law while my husband was in the hospital. He basically said it was my fault, because I should have been taking better care of Jordan, that it’s my job as his wife to look out for his well being. While I agree with some of that, I didn’t sign on to be his mother. I have no desire to mother him, or treat him like a child. We are partners, equals, and if he chooses to put himself in an early grave, I have no control over that. But could I have done more? Could I have been a better wife? Should I have educated myself so I knew what could happen if he didn’t do the things he was supposed to do? Yes to all of the above. But he did know what the consequences were, and he made those decisions anyway.
As you can see, I go back and forth between being angry at my husband, and feeling guilty. Maybe I could have prevented this. Maybe I should have been more controlling where his health was concerned. I know I can’t change the past, but how do I move forward with all of this? How do I forgive my husband and myself? Especially when this will continue to haunt me every day of my life. Diabetes isn’t going away, kidney disease isn’t going away, dialysis isn’t going away. All I have is constant reminders of our short comings. I just feel so defeated.
- I Can’t Play Piano When My Fingers Aren’t Happy (caregiving.com)
- Hospital Stay or Hotel California? (caregiving.com)
- The Need for Control (caregiving.com)
- Oops or Frick and Frack Fumble (caregiving.com)
- RXs: “Take Two, They’re Small” (caregiving.com)
- I Went to My Husband’s Doctor Appointment, without Him (caregiving.com)
- Advocating Can Be a Dirty Job or I Went Kaboom (caregiving.com)
- Diabetes: The Disease That Keeps on Giving… (caregiving.com)