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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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We asked family caregivers: How do you stay resilient? You said: One of the major reasons for my father-in-law coming to live with us was his compulsion about his money. He was POSITIVE his wife was siphoning his hard saved cash and using it to entertain a boyfriend. He would get angry and nasty to the point that she lived in fear of him. When he got to our place, this continued. Then! the light came on! I talked to the branch manager of his bank about arranging 'visitations'. Now, once a week we go to the bank, Grampa (who has very little ability to use/understand speech) marches, solo, into the manager's office, shows his ID and she prints out an accounting of his money. The relief on all sides is inexplicably great. The resiliency part comes from the fact that we're now all relieved and that we learned to acknowledge his concerns, using some ingenuity to direct them positively. Cuts down on the amount of talking/arguing... improves the self esteem and makes life MUCH easier. For three years, as I solely took care of my husband George, there was no resilience for me. My burdens grew heavier and heavier. I tried to keep our home functioning in a normal fashion for our children. The more I tried the worse it became for me, both physically and mentally. I never had time to think about myself. Even to the point of not eating for days at a time. Hiding under beds, sleeping in parking lots when I just had to RUN from all. Then one day my daughter called me to her room telling me she had found something I should look into. CARESUPPORT. (One of our online support groups on our web site is called "caresupport"). From that day on I saw many people were struggling as hard, if not harder than myself. I was not alone any more. When things were bad I posted (sent an e-mail to members of the group), when things were good I POSTED, when others were hurting it gave me great comfort in knowing I had made their day a little better. When George became bedridden I would be up nights, mostly because I knew he was not long for this earth, I was scared. I would type all my feelings, then hit “send”. This was my escape. I knew I had friends who cared. When my dear George left this earth from his own bed on December 10, 2000, my friends were there for me. Sending me poems, words of sympathy that I knew came from their hearts. Many tears were shed. This CARING GROUP HELD ME TIGHT. God has sent many Angels to help ease my flight. I know these people were my strength. I was brought up resilient. Our Dad harped on the subject but we kids didn't know the word until we were old enough to spell Mississippi. Problem? Stop. Analyze it. Formulate a solution. Pursue the solution. If new problems, stop. Analyze. Develop a new solution. Pursue the solution. Now that I think about it that is how Mom and Dad brought us up. As problem solvers. We had wonderful parents. Cherish yours. You're where you are because of them. Resilience. I like that word, over the many years of caregiving I never gave the word a thought. How many of us do give a thought to ourselves when we are worn out from the endless days of caring for our loved ones? So my best and only answer would have to be as Skip Wilson would say "The Devil Made Me Do It". I can only say, "God Made Me Do It". Over the years I went to church and proclaimed to being a Christian, when actually my knowledge was naught, compared to now having lived while walking with God. When fear and need encompasses one’s life, then and only then can you know the power of our Creator. My days had grown into a nightmare, it had become apparent that I alone was not going to make it without help. Help in human form was non-existent, as my husband's daughter lived 500 miles away. My desire was to keep my husband at home and care for him. As communication between the two of us diminished the communication with God gained momentum. At night my prayers would began with "Please, God, Give Me Strength" and seldom could I remember finishing the prayer before exhaustion closed my eyes. Because I had to get up every two hours to care for my spouse this prayer started, but was seldom finished. God understood and did indeed give me strength to bounce out of that bed each morning with a "Thank You God" for giving us another day. With each new phase of Alzheimer's, there were new questions. In the earlier days I was able to speak with Joe about death when he brought the subject up. That reasoning was a gift given to me. I was not brought up in a religious family, I was not taught religion, all I know is what God has taught me. Through the scriptures I have learned that "All things are possible with God, who strengthens Me". He will hold us when we hurt and will carry us when we cannot walk alone. He promised not to erase the problems for us but rather help us through the trials of life. Now that my caregiving days are over I can still thank God for having given me Joe, because within the 42 years of marriage, Joe taught me many things. He was a true Christian who believed in people and loved them, he lived a good life and I admired him greatly. There is no doubt in my mind that he is with God and helping him to send rays of sunshine and encouraging faith toward those in need. Resilience--oh my yes, I needed it and I had it, only through the Grace of God. I have asked myself this question so many times through the years and I'm still not sure of the answer. I suspect it has something to do with my personality. I was just not a quitter at anything I set out to do. I do know that having some kind of hope for things improving did play into this but I'm not sure to what extent. I know for me when I saw my husband trying or actually making progress I would bounce back quickly every time. After he lost his leg and gave up trying I found myself struggling to remain optimistic and was forced to deal with the decision he had made to drop out. His decision did have an effect on my resilience. It didn't happen as quickly after that. I can remember talking to myself so many times through the years and almost giving myself a good lecture. I continually reminded myself that I could do the job if I tried hard enough. As I think back the only thing that would threaten my resolve would be going without sleep for a period of time. So...the caregiver must get some sort of good sleep. Now...doesn't that sound simple? I will tell you something that has happened to me now. I was always such a committed caregiver--reliable and dependable. Well...that has ended and I am scaring myself. I am balking at any type of commitment and causing those who know me best to raise their eyebrows. If I make a doctor appointment the odds are that I will cancel it....the same with any other appointments. I keep lunch dates when the invitations come spontaneously. I'm pretty certain that it is my way of rebelling against anymore "have to do's" but try to explain that to someone who never carried that kind of load. I wonder if this happens to others or if I really did crack up somewhere along the way. |
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