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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Simplify: “No” as an agent to prioritize and to reassess Sue is the consummate caregiver: She cares for her three school-aged children, her parents and her in-laws, all who live nearby. Since her youngest started kindergarten, she has been interested in starting a part-time, home-based business. She wants to be available for her children and her parents, but she also would like to have some extra money--and an interest outside her children and her parents. Sue decides to start a home show business (selling products through home shows hosted by friends). She can work when she wants--and make good money when she does. Her "director", a friend of a friend, is training her on how to run her business. The director has called a meeting for Monday night; Sue agrees to attend. But, on Monday, nothing went right: Her oldest came home from school with the flu, her father had a particularly confusing day and her husband called to say he wouldn't be home until 8 p.m. Sue had to be at her meeting at 7 p.m. At 6:15 p.m., Sue decides that tonight just isn't a good night for her to go to a meeting. She's committed to her business, but... it just isn't a good night to leave. After calling her director to let her know she can't make the meeting, Sue feels awful. She worries if her director will question her commitment, if she has her priorities in the right place, if she was wimpy for wanting to stay home. The next day, Sue wakes up and thinks: I'm not going to beat myself up about these decisions anymore. I do my best. That's all I can. And, if my schedule changes because my situations at home change, that's okay. That's why I started this business--so I could be available for my family when they needed me. And, that's why I'll continue with this business--because it will allow me to do so. Jean attends a monthly support group meeting. At her most recent meeting, a new member, Beth, attended. Beth told her story to the group: "My mother has lived with me for 35 years. About a year ago, Mother became increasingly confused, needing more supervision and care. I'm trying to find some resources and options for her." The support group members, always anxious to help a new caregiver in need, began offering tips and suggestions. To every suggestion, Beth said: "No, my mother won't try that." Or: "I've looked into those adult day centers--I've never found one I've liked." Or: "That won't work." Or: "She won't agree to something like that." Then, the members began sharing some of their stories about caregiving, what they tried, what worked for them, what didn't, how they coped, what they learned. At the end of the meeting, Beth said softly to Jean: "As I'm sitting here, listening to you guys talk, I'm realizing, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to do this at all." We know this: A great way to simplify life is to learn to say, "No". But, it's interesting to see how "No" can work for you--or against you. In Sue's case, for instance, she's juggling a lot. She worried about turning her back on a commitment, even though she had several good reasons, because she didn't want to look bad as she starts her new career. For Sue, saying "No" was probably new to her, which is why she felt so guilty when she said, "No, I can't make the meeting tonight after all". For Sue, it would be important to remember that saying "No" is always an option--and in many cases, it's the best option. In Beth's case, it seemed that she hid behind her "No's". Her refusals of suggestions gave her good reason not to try something--which really became her passive way of saying: "I don't want to do this!" It's interesting to note that sometimes we use "No" as an indirect way of making a situation impossible for us to manage because we refute any possible solutions. Beth hid behind her refusals to look at various options of help in the community, although eventually she realized that her refusal to try services was really her way of saying, "I'm not up to caring for Mom in my home." And, that's okay. I often remind caregivers: Your role is to provide a safe environment and appropriate care--whether that be in your home, your care recipient's home, or the nursing home. Keep "No" in your vocabulary. But if you find yourself saying "No" to all offers of help, look beyond the "No". Are you afraid of trying something new? Of failing? Of having to pick up the pieces? Or continuing to be involved in a situation that just doesn't work for you? Be sure not to hide behind your "No's"; be honest about your limitations and your expectations. It's best for everyone--you, your care recipient and your family. And, it truly will simplify your life. Quick Tip: Delegate… …At-home help. Consider hiring a cleaning service, neighborhood teens to help with household maintenance (raking leaves, shoveling snow), retired seniors to help with preparing meals. (A family caregiver was able to hire a local senior citizen who came to her home every day at 4 p.m., complete with groceries, to prepare the family's evening meal. The cost was minimal compared to the time saved for the family caregiver.) …Your care recipient's care needs. Research all options, including community services and caregiving gadgets (such as a gate belt for assistance with your care recipient's ambulation). …Caregiving responsibilities in case you become ill with the flu. Be sure family members and health care professionals can fill in when needed, that they understand your caregiving schedule, as well as your care recipient's medications, nutritional requirements, and difficult behavior. “No” as an agent to prioritize and to reassess Add easy techniques to hands-on care Simplify communication to avoid stress, guilt When you’re nice, you don’t have to apologize A family caregiver's thoughts: Streamlining to make life more comfortable |
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