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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Losing a care recipient--and you're still a caregiver We're griefing! What do I do? By Denise M. Brown Mourning the loss of someone we love is difficult, but when you're a family caregiver, you may also worry about your care recipient's grief. What do you do in this situation? We asked Marguerite O'Connor, a Certified Death Educator and Bereavement Educator for suggestions. Caregiving: Tell us about the emotions we may feel during the grieving process. Is there a typical timetable for the process? Marguerite: The grieving process may feel like a roller coaster of emotions or like waves of an ocean that splash us when we least expect it. Normal feelings include anger, regret, guilt, "If Only's", blame, shock, confusion, sadness and anxiety. It makes sense that we would protest when someone we care about dies. We may even be angry at the one who died. We might review our relationship, wishing we had another chance or that we had done things differently. We feel dazed, unfocused, disconnected, wounded or hurt. Shock is nature's cushion, designed to let us absorb harsh news in doses. We feel less safe in our world and may experience panic or worry about coping with daily events. Grieving is an internal response; mourning (a healthier goal) is a shared social response. There is no timetable, because time alone does not heal; it's the grief work that we do in time, in the context of the situation, that matters. Caregiving: When we're grieving for one family member, but must be available for another, we may unconsciously put the grieving process on hold. But, ignoring our feelings may just mean a crisis--either we have a melt-down or we start experiencing health problems. How do we allow ourselves to grieve--and still have the emotional capacity to be a caregiver to another? Marguerite: The key here is to be true to ourselves. Knowledge is empowering. Knowing potential pitfalls can prevent them. Self-care should be a top priority, so allowing ourselves to mourn, even in small doses, is better than suppressing our grief, putting it on the "back burner", or trying to be the strong one. Caution: Our culture may encourage us to put our grief on hold, but this is an unhealthy message, regardless of how well-intended the "messenger" might be. Caregiving: Talking about care recipient who has died may make us feel better--but may make others uncomfortable. Or, we may worry that talking about the care recipient who died may upset our care recipient who is still living. How do we overcome these communication concerns? Marguerite: We are responsible TO other people, not FOR them, generally speaking. Self-care means I do what makes me feel better, while considering the feelings of others and never trying to hurt them deliberately. If my honest acknowledgment in telling the story or honoring my loss makes someone else uncomfortable, that is their issue. My purpose is not be co-dependent with them, but to rescue myself. A bereaved person usually wants to hear the name of their dying or deceased loved one and usually becomes more upset when people pretend nothing happened or when they think we have forgotten the person. The term anticipatory grief refers to the fact that we may be grieving a loss before death occurs. Respect is essential here. Caregiving: What kind of rituals do you suggest family caregivers use to keep the memory of their care recipient alive? Marguerite: I am in touch with bereaved people who have generously shared their stories; they continue to inspire me. I do believe that we must practice and teach healthy rituals, or we may continue to see the development of unhealthy rituals. Consider these ideas: * Think about what you want to do, instead of what you ought to do. Give yourself permission to alter traditions if they no longer work for you. * Use roses from the funeral to make rosaries, bracelets and accessories. Use ribbons from the funeral flowers to decorate a tree, chair or special item. * Purchase/wear cremation jewelry, designed to hold the cremains/ashes. * Place a linking object (something that belonged to the deceased or something that reminds you of them) near a holiday table or a special place. * Have an adult's or child's shoe bronzed. * Listen to music that is significant to you or helps you find peace in remembering. * Create a photo/memory album, recall stories, do a video tribute. * Ask friends and family to write some memories or tell a story about the person. * Write a letter (make a copy) and bury/cremate it; or, keep it if you wish. * Tell your story. This may mean going to a support group. * Do something to help others; share your experience and your gifts. Caregiving: What other advice/suggestions can you offer family caregivers in this particularly trying situation? Marguerite: Practice self-care and respect boundaries. Your sleeping, eating and reading habits may be affected. Knowing this possibility may keep you from becoming alarmed. You may be depleted and very sensitive during this time. Treat yourself as you would a good friend. You may be shocked or ashamed if you feel any sense of relief that the person died. There are reasons for this which you should explore, but it doesn't make you a bad person. You may feel abruptly disconnected and suddenly without purpose. Caregivers may be disenfranchised grievers, which Dr. Ken Doka describes as unacknowledged or ignored grievers. Reach out to family, friends and professionals. There are many wonderful resources available now; the key is to get linked up with them. Continue to have hope. Some suggestions on where to get help in your community: --Bereavement support groups. Your church or synagogue may offer support groups; you can also check with a local Hospice organization. --Counselors. The local Hospice organization also can refer you to a counselor who specializes in grieving and bereavement issues. --In addition, the Internet offers an array of online support groups. Visit Join a Support Group to learn about the groups on our site. Marguerite has 17 years of experience in funeral experience. She graduated with honors from Worsham College of Mortuary Science, Wheeling, Illinois, where she is now an instructor, teaching Psychology, Sociology and Communications. Marguerite has a distributorship for educational materials written by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Marguerite presents a variety of seminars. Do you have a question for Marguerite? She's one of our experts; visit Ask the Experts for more information. |
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