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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Losing a
care recipient--and you're still a caregiver By Denise M. Brown In 1999, I recently received an e-mail from a family caregiver, who says that on one day in May 1998, the roof of her little Capecod home was torn off--and so was Rosemary's life as she knew it. The roof may have literally come off, as construction for a mother-in-law addition began. But, what happened to her family felt as if she herself lost her roof. At the same time, her mother was hospitalized and 12 weeks later, died. Her father, 74-years-old, began to rely more on Rosemary; in addition, she was made guardian for her brother, who is brain-damaged and in a nursing home. Rosemary resides in Verona, N.J. with her husband, two step-children and son. She works full-time as a Registered Nurse in the Emergency Room. Her 82-year-old mother-in-law now lives with Rosemary and her family. In addition, she helps her mother-in-law's sister, who is 80-years-old. Because of her mother-in-law's poor vision, Rosemary provides transportation and errand-running; her mother-in-law can manage her own personal care. We asked Rosemary to share her experiences--how she coped with losing her mother and "inheriting" the care needs of other family members. Caregiving: Your mother-in-law moved in to your home so soon after you lost your mother. Do you feel you've truly been able to mourn her loss? How do you still continue to mourn her? What do you miss most about her? Rosemary: I feel I've mourned my mom's loss, but it has taken longer than it would have otherwise. I had been so busy being with her before she died in August. I then had to help my father take care of the estate, and by that time we had moved in to my house (after all the construction) on October 1, 1998. It has been 18 months since her death and I am just starting to come to terms. I started to help my Dad with her things a few months after her death but wasn't able to continue. I think now I'll be able to. My house is starting to get together. I never really decorated after we moved back in, and now I'm starting to look forward to it. I still miss her greatly, but I really feel that will never stop. My mother-in-law, at 82-years-old, still mourns her mother who she lost 64 years ago. I miss my mom being there. I'm not a telephone-type person, but it was nice to know she was there. I used to stop by out-of-the blue and ask her if she wanted to go shopping and she never would say no. I also miss talking to her when my step-daughter is giving me problems. After raising five kids, my mom always had good advice. Caregiving: How has her death impacted how you care for your mother-in-law, your father, your brother? How has it impacted how you interact with them and provide for their care? Rosemary: Her death has made me acutely aware of how old my father is. I try to be there for him, but I encourage him to do for himself. He is good at doing things for himself, but he won't make any major decisions without me. I'm not use to being an advisor for my Dad, and I don't know if I like it. I've always had problems visiting my brother because I know he would not like what happened to him. It is very difficult to visit him because he looks the same, but has no clue to his surroundings. He has the mental ability of a two- or three-month old. Smiles at everyone but is not really aware. We all have talked and decided not to resuscitated him if he were to die. All that is done for him are the basic needs, as in feeding and basic care. I see him at least once a month; I know it should be more, but it still is difficult. He does not recognize that we are there and doesn't even know when we leave. I know my Dad sees him a few times a week; I think it is good for both of them. The only impact I think my mother's death had on my mother-in-law is that I have zero tolerance for her telling me stories on what my sister-in-law tells her. They talk frequently on the phone and I get updates. I know she is just making conversation, but after a while I just don't care. I'm beginning to feel it is because I'm jealous I don't have my mom to talk to. I have to admit having my mother-in-law around has helped with my son. There are times when I discipline him and he goes to her for support and she supports me. Caregiving: What are your major concerns now? What is your most difficult struggle? Have you found a solution? Rosemary: My major concerns are: a) Having everyone rely on me so much. At first I used to do things to be nice out of respect, then due to it being easier for me, but then things are expected of me, i.e., going to the doctors, shopping, picking up prescriptions, preparing meals. My mother-in-law makes very few decisions without asking me. I have encouraged her to do more for herself and it is slowly working, but I feel I should have done this a long time age. b) Basic parenting concerns at present: a. That my son will grow up to be a responsible and loving adul; that my stepson continues with his college plans, to go to grad school; that step-daughter learns how to become a mature, responsible adult. c) Becoming more comfortable with myself. I have a tendency to take care of everyone else and not myself. I have started to change things and make time for me, but is not easy. My most difficult struggle has been everyone telling me how to raise my son. Caregiving: What coping mechanisms help you? Friends? Support groups? Online groups? Rosemary: My main survival has been my friends. I have two, especially, that I can tell anything to and it has really helped my vent my frustrations. I started therapy briefly a few months ago but never went back. There are times when I think I should, but I am starting to put my feel on the ground. Work has started a monthly support group for caregivers and it has really helped. I found your website through the group and I think it has helped a lot to see what others are going through. Believe it or not, my sister had her in-laws move in with her a few months ago. Her father-in-law is dying, and her mother-in-law is there for keeps. I guess my parents, who both left Ireland when they were young, taught us good extended family skills. After talking with my sister, I thank God for what I have. Her in-laws are in their late 50's and my mother-in-law is easier to live with. My sister and I have fun sessions on the phone a lot and can always tell who is in PMS. I feel bad for her because she is now starting to relive my mom's dying by watching her husband's father die. Caregiving: You are trying to be available to so many people. If the community could offer a service (or services) that you feel would be most helpful, what would it be? (I.e., what is on your wish list of community services that would best help you help your aging relatives?) Rosemary: The only thing I wish I could get my mother-in-law and her sister to use is the Senior Citizen bus and or club. She really is not interested partially due to her vision and also to quote her, "They're a bunch of old woman who gossip about everyone else" and I know she is right. Thank God they are still able to take care of themselves. Caregiving: What advice can you offer other caregivers who find themselves in a similar situation? Rosemary: The most helpful advice I can offer to anyone is to let family members do as much for themselves as possible, and get as many family members involved as possible. The best thing anyone can do for themselves is be kind to themselves. I have not mastered this but I'm improving and it is helping. I also talk to friends who listen well. It helps to have a good ear. The newest thing I've done which helps is I started a journal. I've always had a fear of someone reading what I would write so I have been reluctant to start one. I have now started a good thoughts diary. In it, I just write the positive things that happened that day or positive memories from whenever. The more I thought about it, the more I thought: Why would I want to remember bad thoughts or aggravations. It really has helped, to read what I have written because it always is uplifting. |
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