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Battling the Decisions
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
Frank was having a bad day. Actually, the
last week hasn't been going so well. He used to be able to handle anything
that his wife's Alzheimer's disease brought them--mood swings, inability
to recognize loved ones, late afternoon agitation. But, now it seems
everything is just too much.
Today, for instance, Marge refused to wash and brush her teeth, threw
her plate of food on the floor and then ripped all the newly-washed
laundry. He tried everything he could think of, everything he learned at
support groups and seminars, to try to keep Marge calm and happy. But
nothing worked. It seemed like the harder he tried, the more difficult she
became.
Now, Marge has finally collapsed and fallen asleep. He welcomes the few
minutes of respite, even though her late-afternoon nap could mean a long
night. He sits at the kitchen table, skimming through the day's paper,
finally sipping the cup of coffee he meant to enjoy this morning.
The longer he sits, the more he seems to slump in his chair. He's
almost tempted to turn and look at his back--can he actually see that
pressure that's weighing on him? He can certainly feel it. The decision is
coming, he knows. He could sense it coming closer every day. What should I
do? What should I do? He repeats to himself, over and over.
Frank stares at his paper for the next hour, when his son finally
arrives home from work. "Hi, Dad," his son says. "What's for dinner?"
"How the hell should I know?" Frank screams back. "Why do I have to
decide every day what we'll have for dinner? For once, why don't you tell
me--what's for dinner?"
"Okay, okay, Dad," his son answers calmly, gesturing with hands for his
dad to sit down, stay calm. "I'll order a pizza--okay?"
Frank sits down at the table--defeated. "We have to talk about your
mother," he says.
We've all been in Frank's shoes--and looked behind us to see what that
pressure that seems so real and heavy actually looks like. Maybe it's
invisible, but it sure weighs a lot.
The pressure of caregiving often means the stress of making decisions
for a close family member. Making a decision on behalf of someone else can
be an overwhelming responsibility. What if we make the wrong decision?
What if my mother is worse off because of a decision I make? What if...
The cycle of change is consistency we can count on
You feel that a decision should be made. But, you know a change in your
lifestyle will occur because of that decision. The idea of another change
in your life paralyzes you and keeps you from making a decision.
Does this sound familiar? If it does, rest assured--you're in good
company. Change often brings us face-to-face with the unknown. And that
can be pretty scary.
As a family caregiver, you already deal with constant change: change in
your care recipient's medical condition from day to day, even minute to
minute; change in the type of help that may be available; change in your
day-to-day lifestyle--some days are easier than others. The idea of facing
another change, especially as a result of a decision you make, can be
heart-wrenching. So, it may just be easier to continue with the status
quo.
But there's a process to change, says Jean Ellzey, M.S., a personal
growth consultant, and change will always be a part of our lives, whether
we want it to be or not. Jean teaches a "Women in Transition" course at
two community colleges in the Chicago area and facilitates support groups
for women.
Rather than hope change will pass us by, Jean suggests learning about
the process of change, which will help us effectively deal with changes in
our lives. According to Jean, change is a process governed by "The Four
A's", which Jean adapted from the book, The Courage to be Yourself by Sue
Patton Thoele:
1. Awareness
--You have vague feelings that are brought into your consciousness; you
have a recognition of these vague feelings.
For instance, you may become more aware that you have been feeling
particularly stressed, or that anger and frustration seem to be your
primary emotions.
2. Acknowledgment
--The "inner stew pot", that part of our gut which churns our negative
emotions and worries, begins to take form outside of our selves. You may
read an article that sums up your feelings, or write an entry in your
personal journal that names the reason for your anger. Or, during a
conversation with a friend, you may be able to voice your current
situation. Whatever triggers your acknowledgment leads you to verbalize
and name your feelings.
For instance, your friend that attends your support group with you is
considering nursing home placement for her mother. She talks about how
exhausted she has been because of the strain of caregiving. She talks
about her loneliness and anger. Her words seem to open a door for you--you
feel the same way. You can identify with her emotions. You acknowledge to
your support group that, just within the past few weeks, you have been
feeling the exact same way.
3. Accepting
--You embrace the feelings and emotions you have been experiencing. You
have confronted the reality of you own life. "I do feel this way," you
say, "I do have a problem in this area."
For instance, you return home from your support group. You feel like a
weight has been lifted off your shoulders--you have these feelings and now
you have a name and a reason for them. You tell your spouse: "I feel angry
and frustrated being a caregiver. I have to figure out a way to handle
these feelings."
4. Action
--You make a decision about a short-term action which will get out of that
place--your reality--that you don't like.
For instance, you decide your negative feelings are a result of
caregiver burnout. You decide to admit your mother for a short-term stay
at your local nursing home. You decide a one-week break from your
caregiving duties is just what you need to eliminate all those negative
emotions that have been wearing you down.
Although you've tackled one change and one decision in your life, it's
important to remember that change is a constant in our lives. Jean says
our lives really resemble the four seasons:
Fall
--During this season, we may confront something that bothers us. We
acknowledge that an aspect or area of our lives is not working for us any
longer.
Winter
--We don't see any change or growth, but things are happening underground.
This is our period of reflection. Our time and energy is spent thinking,
pondering our situations, considering our options.
Spring
--Little options begin to sprout for us. We begin to see some
alternatives: "Maybe I could do this or that," we think. We're not sure
which of our options will come to fruition.
Summer
--An option has taken hold because we have nurtured it. "This will work, I
can do it," we tell ourselves.
We don't get too comfortable, though, because another piece of change will
start taking hold. Fall will come again.
"Our lives are a cyclical process," says Jean. "We're always changing and
evolving because we can never reach fruition or perfection."
As you face decisions and changes in your life, practice the processes and
techniques of making decisions and facing changes. "As we learn the
processes that work, we become more fluid, more flexible and resilient,"
Jean says. "We won't catastrophize each problem that we face, we can see
it with perspective." And, that's what will help us handle whatever
decisions our caregiving duties bring us.
Activities
Index of Articles
Battling Other Family Members
Determining the Best Care at End of Life
How Do You Say What They
Don’t Want To Hear?
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
I'm Sooo Mad, I Could....
Battling Your Loneliness
Will The Guilt Let You Live
A Good Life?
Sharing the Care with Siblings
Tips to Temper Your Flame |
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