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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Your Caregiving Battles: The Battle Against The Rage I'm Sooo Mad, I Could.... Often, caregiving can arouse the most ferocious feelings, especially anger. Even the most patient caregiver can find herself battling against her rage. To better understand a caregiver's anger, realizing what causes anger will help. According to Webster's Dictionary, anger is a "strong passion or emotion excited by injury; rage". What "injury" can make a caregiver so angry? A caregiver, "Mary", is concerned about the anger she feels toward Eileen, who suffers from Alzheimer's disease. Mary shares these three experiences. From Friend To Foe "Eileen and I had a wonderful evening. We enjoyed a good movie, worked on some craft projects. Although Eileen is never really sure who I am, I knew that during that evening, she loved me and viewed me as a friend. "The next morning, Eileen woke up a completely different person. I was no longer her friend, but someone she treated as, well, a low-life servant. She wouldn't take a sponge bath, she wouldn't wear the clothes I picked out, she just wouldn't cooperate. I remember standing in her closet, trying to find an outfit she would like, just steaming. I was so angry. Later, I realized I was angry because the love she gave me was taken back. I was angry that I was no longer her friend, but hadn’t done anything but be her friend." Refuses A Bath "Twice a week, Eileen takes a tub bath. Sometimes she refuses to take a bath. On one particular bath morning, I was under stress because a family member was to arrive that day for a visit. Of course, that morning, she adamantly refused to take a bath. Looking back, I realize I was mad because, if she didn't take a bath, I would look bad, like I couldn't provide the quality of care that she needed. I wanted her to look good so the relatives would compliment me on how well she looked." Plans Go Awry “Eileen enjoys going out to lunch, for a ride in the car. On one particularly nice fall day, I planned to take Eileen for a ride to one of my favorite spots. Afterward, I thought we would stop for a nice, leisurely lunch. Well, on our way to my favorite spot, Eileen became very agitated. 'Where are we going?,' she kept asking. `Why are we going here?' "Because of her agitation, I cut the drive short. We stopped for lunch at a local spot. Eileen ordered the special, which I knew she wouldn't like, before I could stop her. Well, when her meal arrived, she looked at me and said, `I didn't order this. And I don't like it.' "By this time, I was furious. What really made me mad was that Eileen ruined a trip I could have enjoyed. This was one of the few days I planned activities around my enjoyment. And Eileen ruined it for me." Interestingly enough, a closer look at these situations that have made Mary so angry do in fact reveal an injury: injured feelings, pride, expectations. The natural response to these injuries? Anger. Better Caregivers Because Of Our Anger Recognizing that anger results from an emotional injury, caregivers have an opportunity to change situations which cause them anger. Our caregiver, Mary, has given thought to the three experience she described. She now has a better understanding of the cause of her anger. She realizes that Eileen can't change, but she can change how she reacts to certain situations. Her thoughts: Appreciate Each Day "I've learned to take each day for what it is. I appreciate Eileen's love and happiness on the days that it exists and understand that each day will bring different emotions from Eileen. I treasure the days that she loves me and knows me, realizing that these moments are gifts. On the days that I'm not her friend, but almost her enemy, I realize that even though she may not be capable of expressing her love for me, I still have the power to love her. And loving her means accepting each day for what it brings." Flexible Scheduling "I dread tub bath days as much as Eileen does. What I hope to do in the future is move away from a strict routine of when bath days occur. Instead, I will look for opportunities, once or twice a week, when Eileen seems more relaxed about the idea of a tub bath. Instead of insisting we take baths in the morning, I will try before bed or when she needs to change clothes because of a spill or an accident. "I'm looking into purchasing a shower chair. Perhaps Eileen finds getting in and out of the tub difficult. Maybe she will be more relaxed if she finds the whole process to be easier. "I also will compensate for the times when she won't take a tub bath by giving her a good sponge bath in the morning and just before bed. "I realize I am not perfect. And anyone not directly involved in the daily care of Eileen won't understand that some days Eileen will look better than others. I try to keep in mind that I do the best I can every minute that I care for Eileen. And that the most important goal I have is to keep Eileen happy. And if that means less baths during the week, then that's what we'll do." Remember Reality "Well, I guess I have to remind myself of the reality of the situation. Eileen is not able to understand my feelings and my needs; she struggles daily with her own. I can try to plan fun activities, but I cannot place the same expectations on Eileen that I would on, say, my sister or a friend." Learning from your anger can be an invaluable tool for you in daily caregiving struggles. You can learn how to be a better caregiver by taking the time to look beyond your anger. Determining the Best Care at End of Life How Do You Say What They Don’t Want To Hear?
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