Caregiving Special Focus

Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years

Caregiving and Marriage Caregiving Poll Results: How Has Caregiving Impacted Your Marriage? We asked: How has caregiving impacted your marriage? You said: Made it stronger: 13% No impact: 6% Tested it in ways I never imagined: 81% You shared your thoughts and experiences: But that's not to say it isn't stronger. In fact, it has helped us maintain our commitment to each other. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) I am a caregiver and no longer a wife and lover. I am with my husband 24/7 except for the days he goes to an adult day program for my respite. It is the hardest role I have ever had and I was just retired so I didn't have the experience of being comfortable in my role away from work and then this happened. I am stronger, and coping but is has a devastating effect on our marriage. I will stay with him and yet will have to think about a nursing home if it gets too hard. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) I am not absolutely positive why it is stronger (I feel it was pretty strong already) but it may have to do with my getting paid to take care of mom. The added full-time income has taken the stress off of everyday worries, like juggling the bills, making ends meet, simple pleasures (like a meal out more often), vacations; it does mean that I am unable to go places without worrying about her or someone to care for her in my absence. However, we have a strong family support and the grown children will "grandma sit" occasionally. (I do not expect them to "grandma sit" if she is having problems with her bowel incontinence.) All in all, it is a win/win situation for us; we need two incomes to live comfortably and, since I get paid to take care of her, she does not have to be placed in a SNF. (Accompanying Answer: Made it stronger.) I had told my husband from before we got married that I was not interested in living with extended family, so if that was a deal breaker, we should break it off. I was willing to do a lot for the seniors, as long as I had my own place to go home to when I was done. He said that he had done more than his share of living with his mom, and that he was fine with it, as long as he could take care of her, he didn't have to live with her. At the beginning of the marriage, taking care of my mother-in-law was very stressful. She was 70 (but claimed to be 60) and in good health, but had limited English, so my husband wanted to bring her on all our vacations, sharing a hotel room with her and our new baby. She was determined to teach me to be a good mother, which was very stressful for both of us, as the cultural differences were huge. When my husband got a job offer out of state a year later, he wanted his mother to live with us for a year while we decided if we wanted to stay in the new area. I told him, "No." Instead I offered to go up with him at the beginning, find a house, move all our stuff in, then go stay with my parents for a year, while he lived with his mother in our house. If he decided to stay, I would sell his mother's condo for her, pack all her stuff and drive it up in a U-Haul. If he decided to return, he could fly his mom back, I could pick her up at the airport and take to her condo, fly up with the baby, pack all our stuff, and U-Haul it back to California. I told him that I would rather get divorced than live with his mother for a year, as we had to parent a son together and if we lived together with his mother for a year, we would end up hating each other so badly, we couldn't be good coparents, the way we could if we split amicably at that point. We compromised on moving up by ourselves, buying her a ticket to stay for two months; after two weeks, I left and went back to visit my family, returning two weeks before she went home. This gave her time to spend with the baby, but wasn't. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) In the past I've helped my wife with her heart problems. We almost lost her 3 times since last April. But now we are facing another problem - dementia. I'm concerned about taking care of her when she comes home. This will be a far different kind of care - and she doesn't like being "treated like a baby". We've been married 48 year so the impact of these recurring health and mental concerns have been minimal so far. (Accompanying Answer: No impact.) It is difficult living with the in laws. They both have health problems, and I am the one who takes care of them the most. My husband is mean to them as they seem child-like at times. My husband is really short tempered with them and at the end of the day I just don't feel like "responding to his needs" like he would like. My mother in law has a habit of coming into our room which makes intimacy very hard. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) My husband and I are forced to discuss issues affecting the family. We are constantly monitoring everyone's well being. Listening to each others point of view creates a stronger bond as we try to decide whatís best. We each give each other a lot of lee way to have the experience. (Accompanying Answer: Made it stronger.) My husband and I were always goods friends as well as lovers....however, five years ago his condition with spinal stenosis ended the lover part of our marriage. I am very thankful to my Lord Jesus for helping us both through this very difficult part of our marriage of 34 years...We are both in our 50's. I hope and pray that with understanding and God's grace we remain close friends. I haven't fully accepted this part of his disorder, it's very frustrating for someone of my age to live a celebrate life style....sometimes I am very lonely, but with much prayer and taking one day at a time I manage the best way I know how. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) My husband is usually even tempered and easy to get along with, but being incapacitated and being told what to do, especially to maintain safe transfers has been led to raised voices... (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) My partner ended up with virtually sole responsibilities for my 82 year old father while I had to return to work in another state. Their relationship soured during this time and ours is souring daily as I take more responsibilities. Breaking my foot the day I arrived hasn't helped the situation any at all. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) Never thought Hubby and I would ever even consider a DIVORCE but we actually did and I have often had to make a choice between hubby and Parents. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) The problem is that the one I'm caring for is my husband. I would end our marriage, but I can't leave a terminally ill, albeit jerk, while he is helpless. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) There were times I just wanted a long vacation personally. (Accompanying Answer: Tested it in ways I never imagined.) We asked: How supportive is your spouse of your caregiving role? You said: Not supportive at all: 13% Somewhat supportive: 31% Very supportive: 56% You shared your thoughts and experiences: As mentioned before, it helps us have a better quality of life because I am getting paid; it helps all of us have a better quality of life. My husband understands about my not being able to go somewhere "at the drop of a hat" so we plan ahead, seize opportunities (when my brother and his wife visit); luckily, we are not big "socializers" so it isn't a big problem for us. Most of our socializing has to do with family gatherings anyway so it is expected that mom will be a part of it. My husband is really good with her, too, making her laugh, teasing her, asking how she is when he's home, very understanding. I took care of my dad his last months here at home and thought it would bother my husband having a dying family member in the house; boy, did he surprise me! He would come home from work then sit with my dad, holding his hand, talking to him, "watching TV" with him; this was everyday. He would let my mom and I run errands, staying with daddy, doing these things. I often thought he was better at "caring" than me; I had a hard time "being with" my dad, knowing we were watching him die (aggressive brain tumor at 89). I saw a side of my husband I didn't know existed, endearing him even more to me. (Accompanying Answer: Very supportive.) Everyday he tells me what sacrifices I make and how he appreciates my caregiving-but as the day goes on he changes and is irked, angry, loving, testy, confused, and it isn't pretty. (Accompanying Answer: Very supportive.) He does at least half of what needs to be done. We both care for my mother in our home, but he's the one home all day with her. (Accompanying Answer: Very supportive.) He has always said "Take care of your Parents" (Accompanying Answer: Very supportive.) He isn't a very good support person as he loses his cool really easy, but these are his parents. He seems to have lost respect for the people who gave life to him. (Accompanying Answer: Not supportive at all.) He realizes that some of the decisions that need to be made require much thought....however, some of the medications he takes cause problems in his thought process. (Accompanying Answer: Somewhat supportive.) My husband has been the one to receive the care... broken arm bone from a fall. His Parkinson's makes walking difficult in the first place... so all in all it has reduced him to helplessness. It hasn't been easy for him to just "take it" and not do for himself. (Accompanying Answer: Somewhat supportive.) Nothing I do is ever enough. (Accompanying Answer: Not supportive at all.) She recognizes she needs help and has accepted it with little protest. She has had mild memory problems in the past but now that she's getting more and more forgetful and confused, I'm not quite sure how to handle her. I'm looking for help by joining this group. (Accompanying Answer: Somewhat supportive.) Supportive of me being loving and compassionate but ready to intervene when he sees I've had enough. (Accompanying Answer: Very supportive.) Used to be unsupportive. Now much, much better. See above. (Accompanying Answer: Somewhat supportive.) We asked: What have you learned about your marriage as a result of your caregiving role? You said: How much he cares. We're in this together! Working together will make the marriage stronger. We are friends. My husband is a really good person. That it should have ended many, many years ago. Be happy in whatever circumstance. Give it to God. That there are many twists and turns in the road. It is vital for me to set limits. Not too much. We may be closer. We are strong as a couple. How differently we communicate. That my husband is more generous than most. (Editor's Note: Thanks to all who participated! It's great to hear your experiences.) Index of Articles: Making the Connection Means Planning for Time Together Communication Key to Keeping Marriage on Track It's Not Him, It's My Cabin Fever Caregiving Poll Results: How Has Caregiving Impacted Your Marriage?   Tell a friend about this article:

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