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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Channeling the changes Is this your dysfunction? By Denise M. Brown I often remind family caregivers to ask themselves: Is this my problem? It can be difficult to determine which problems really are yours because your care recipient, your siblings, your spouse think all the problems are your problem! Another way to think about this is to ask: Is this my dysfunction? Eric Van Vlymen, Program Director, Alzheimer's Association, Miami Valley Chapter, feels that often one member of the family takes on the family's dysfunction--and the dysfunction exhibits itself through stomach aches, anxiety, depression, headaches. What comes with caregiving, besides the pressure and responsibility, is often the long-masked family dysfunction. Your family may have been dysfunctional for fifty years, but it wasn't until your siblings began to interact again for the first time in thirty years that the dysfunction became clear. "Families work like sailboats," Eric says. "The boat sails smoothly until Mom is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Then, the boat begins to rock. The key is to act in such a way that you provide equilibrium to the sailboat." Often, families dealing with a caregiving crisis will spend a lot of time pointing fingers--at you. Eric suggests if an out-of-town or uninvolved sibling sticks out the index finger and shakes it at you, then work to get clear commitments from them to resolve issues. For instance, your out-of-town brother insists that mom should stay at home, even though she is unsafe and needs constant care. When your brother demands this, ask him: What will you do to make this happen? Will you move back home to provide care for her? Will you quit your job to move in with her? Because he won't commit to making his demand a reality, he cannot insist that you make these commitments. Family meetings can help provide equilibrium, especially family meetings moderated by a social worker. In his position, Eric often moderates family meetings, helping families learn to leave their dysfunction at the door. With the help of a social worker, the family can determine a plan of care and an action plan that best provides for the care recipient. And, the social worker can help the primary family caregiver draw boundaries with other family members. With boundaries, the dysfunction dissipates. |
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