Caregiving Special Focus

Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years

Common Step Conundrums By Denise M. Brown, Publisher and Editor Connie was 21-years-old when her parents divorced and 25-years-old when her father remarried. Her parents divorce didn't shock her, although the adjustment to the two "homes" during the holidays was rough. But, as she married and had her own family, she settled into a routine. Her father and his new wife, and her mother, worked out agreeable arrangements to see the grandchildren, visit during the holidays. Twenty-five years later, Connie feels like her parents are going through a divorce again. Only worse. Her father's new wife, Nancy, suffered a stroke and was left paralyzed. Her father cares for Nancy; but he relies on Connie to help out on a regular basis. This makes Connie's mother, Frances, just crazy. "You never have any time for me," Frances wails to Connie. "We don't meet for lunch on Tuesdays any more, like we used to. You're always helping your father and that woman. You can make room for her in your life. Why not for me?" Connie does her best to explain her position, that she's helping her father more than her stepmother. But her mother refuses to accept any explanation other than her reality: Connie has chosen her stepmother over her mother. The tension between Connie and her mother has become unbearable. Connie feels guilty when she's at her father's, although she knows how much he needs her help. And, she does enjoy her stepmother's company. Much more than she ever thought. She's glad to be of help. What does she do about her mother? **** David has been close to his father; his mother left him and his father when David was a little boy. He had little contact with his mother growing up, who moved out of state and remarried. He remembers missing her at first. But, he had his father so he made do. Now his mother has moved back to town, with her husband who has Alzheimer's disease. Over the past six months, she has called David to ask for his advice on legal and financial matters in regard to his stepfather's care. When she first started to call, he thought this would be a chance for them to develop a relationship. Now, he just feels used. Why should I help her help her new husband, he asks himself. She couldn't be bothered to care for me when I was a little kid. **** Elizabeth, Jack and Matthew, born within three years of each other, have always been close. When their parents divorced, they stayed with their mother. Their father remarried, eventually, to a woman they all liked. Now, their father's second wife, June, has become the primary caregiver to their father, who has Parkinson's disease. Since June has become the caregiver, Elizabeth, Jack and Matthew find themselves disliking her more and more. They've begun to second guess her decisions, telling each other, Dad would not like it that way. Mom would have done it better. How much they've begun to dislike June now affects how often and for how long they visit their father. It seems that they can't separate their feelings for June from their feelings for the father. Their visits just aren't as frequent. Nor as friendly. **** Sarah and Claire are stepsisters, thrown together into the same household when they were 13- and 15-years-old. While never really close, they have remained on friendly terms for the past 20 years. Until Sarah's mother and Claire's stepmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Sarah wants Claire to help out: After all, her mother took care of Claire after Claire's mother deserted her. But, Claire always seems to have an excuse as to why she can't help--deadlines at work, boyfriend problems, car trouble. Sarah feels at her wit's end. She needs Claire--this is just too much for her. Her anger at Claire's inability to help is her dominant emotion of the day. She can't help but notice how much more often she yells at her kids, her husband. Her cat just cowers in the corner. **** There's something about the caregiving experience that seems to bring out the child in all of us. Experts talk about the "parenting the parent" phenomena. Meaning, the adult children begin to take on more of the responsibilities of the parents, assuming more of a role like a parent. I've found that sometimes adult children also become more like children. As soon as Mom needs help, siblings begin to fight out about issues that were swept under the rug 33 years ago. The primary caregiver begins to feel emotions toward her parents and her siblings that she hasn't felt since she was 15-years-old. And, when a step family member needs help, well, all the old emotions associated with the divorce or death that precipitated the re-marriage become raw and open wounds. Blamed your stepmother for breaking up your parent's marriage? Then, most likely you'll blame your stepmother for your father's stroke. Resent that your stepfather and mother made little time for you when they married? Chances are you'll blame your stepfather for not providing the quality care your mother needs. These emotions can wreck havoc on you, your relationships with your step and your parent, and on other important relationships in your life--with your spouse, your children, your good friends. So, how can you manage the caregiving role when a step is involved? Here are some tips to help you heal old wounds and forge a new and better relationship with your family: 1. Try to find out what your parent loves about your step. Perhaps you can only see your stepmother through the eyes of your mother: as the "Other Woman". But your dad must see something wonderful about your stepmother. Can you try to see the good, the reasons why your parent married your step? Focusing on the positive, rather than dwelling on the negative, can improve the time you spend together. 2. Who--or what--is it really about? Often, the step can be the innocent victim, the one everyone blames for the end of a marriage or the end of what was. Of course, sometimes a step does play a role in the break-up of a marriage. But, the step wasn't the only adult involved. So, those negative feelings you may have about a step: Are they really about the step? Are they about your parents’ inability to make their relationship work? Or, their inability to take care of you during the divorce? Or, about how unfair it was that your father died so young? These are tough questions to ask--and the answers may be tougher to find. Give yourself the time you need to discover the truth. 3. Revisit the loss that caused the step relationship. How did you really feel about the divorce or the death? Does caring for your step bring back all those awful feelings you had the day the divorce became final? Or, the day of the funeral? Writing about your feelings in a journal is a positive way to release them. Keeping them in--and pushing them down, away from your surface--only makes the emotions bigger and more important than they really are. Finding a way to release them in a healthy and positive way opens up room in your heart for love and happiness. 4. What isn't working? How can it be fixed? Your mother resents the time you spend with your stepmother. Your brothers feel you are betraying your father by helping out with your stepmother. You can't win! In these situations, ask yourself: What is important to you? What do you feel you should do now, so that you will have few regrets in ten or twenty years? And remember: You control your own emotions and actions. You can't control how others feel; their emotions are their responsibility, not yours. 5. What is working? How can it be enhanced? If you look closely enough, you will find that some things are working. Really! It could be that the home health aide you found has been a lifesaver. Or, that your father responds to phone calls from his nieces and nephews. While they may see like little accomplishments, they really are big successes. Run with them and be open to others. 6. What is the reality of the situation? Will your sister always resent the time you spend with your stepsister? Probably. Rather than trying to change your sister--or your relationship with your stepsister--focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your sister. Make spending time with her a priority--once a week, twice a month, once a month. And, during your time together, be sure to talk about how much you enjoy spending time with her and what a wonderful influence she's had on your life. 7. Let forgiveness live in your heart--toward your step, your parents, your siblings, yourself. While it may not always seem so, most people do try to do their best. Unfortunately, often their inhibitions and fears get in the way of doing what's kind and good. Incorporating forgiveness into your lifestyle, though, is not an open invitation for others to use you as their dump. Stand your ground and be clear as to your boundaries as to acceptable behavior and language. Caring for a step can be a challenge. But, as with all caregiving challenges, it also opens up the door for amazing opportunities--for you, your step, your family. You may surprise yourself! Index of Articles: Caring for a Step: Tips to Help Manage the Relationship Celebrating Your Caregiving Successes, Part I Celebrating Your Caregiving Successes, Part II The Help Arrived, But Left Too Early Time Out! Signs You Need a Vacation When To Use Home Care Tell a friend about this article:

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