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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Grandparents Raising Grandkids A hard life now a good life for a special grandson For 56-year-old Joan Callander, adopting her grandson changed her life-and her life's business. One week after her retirement from 30 years of work, Joan's grandson, Chad, came to live with her permanently. He arrived just prior to his fourth birthday, but with enough tragedy and trauma to last a lifetime. Joan had been fighting for Chad, the son of her only daughter, since his birth. Joan's teenage daughter had used drugs and alcohol during her pregnancy with Chad. No intervention or attempts to help from Joan could alter how Chad's life began. Her daughter made poor life choices, choices beyond Joan's control. Chad's first four years were unimaginably horrible. For a time, Chad lived with his mother and her roommates; under their care, Chad endured a severe beating at the age of 2 1/2 years. He lived in foster care, and, then because of intervention from Joan's parents pleading with the state, lived with Joan. Chad's mother became pregnant two more times; giving one child up for adoption, but miscarrying the other. She disappeared for one year; "I assume she was in prison", Joan says. During that time, the biological father re-appeared. "If I pay for him, I want him", he told Joan. The state supervised a long transition from Joan's care to his father's care. Joan received visitation rights of one weekend per month and two weeks during the summer. Eight months later, three-year-old Chad had the bruises of a severe beating. Joan was awarded temporary custody and then awarded custody when Chad's father failed to appear in court. It seemed that life would now settle down for Chad and Joan. But, just as Chad's father is removed from the picture, his mother reappears: She's getting married and wants Chad back. Joan hoped that this was a possibility for both Chad and his mother. But, when her daughter announced that she was pregnant, Joan sued for permanent custody of Chad. Joan worried about her daughter's ability to care for a newborn and for Chad, who was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Her daughter agreed that Chad should live with Joan, but was unable to discuss permanent adoption-yet. Joan's daughter was allowed visitation rights for two years. Her marriage lasted only a few years; she divorced her husband because of his cocaine use-something Joan was completely unaware of. Sensing a chance to cement Chad's place in Joan's house, Joan's ex-husband intervened, convincing his daughter that Chad belongs with Joan-forever. Finally, the opportunity for Joan to adopt Chad presented itself. It's hard to imagine a happy ending to such tragedy. But, there is. Chad, now 11, no longer sees a therapist; the therapist and Joan decided last year that Chad had done his work. They told him: You've had a rough life. But, that's okay. Now, make the most of your life. Because of his traumatic and stressful experiences, Chad had difficulty relaxing and then falling asleep at night from the time he was a toddler. This summer, Chad was taken off medications he needed to sleep at night. Joan, divorced from her first husband just prior to Chad's birth, has remarried. Chad calls Joan and her second husband "Mom" and "Dad". When Joan first re-married, Chad referred to Joan as "Grandma" and her husband as "Dad", which caused an awkward silence the first time Chad introduced them as such. Joan requested that Chad use two names, whatever those names may be, as long as they matched. His choice was Mom and Dad. It's equally hard to imagine persevering through tragic situation after tragic situation. "My faith got me through," Joan says. "I believe God puts us in places where we learn lessons that we will later share." Chad refers to his birth mother by her first name and has come to accept their relationship as almost one of brother and sister. His birth mother eventually re-married her husband, with whom she now has three young daughters. Joan is hopeful her daughter and her young family have a healthy future ahead of them. Joan, her husband and Chad regularly see his birth mother and her family. After Chad came to live permanently with Joan, she began to write a book about grandparenting grandchildren, a book of simple tips, like a one-minute manager for grandparents. "Second Time Around: Help for Grandparents who Raise Their Children's Kids" was published in 1999. Because of the book, Joan began receiving requests to lead workshops and seminars to help other grandparents. She started a web site which offers information and support, www.grandparentsandmore.com, and pens monthly columns for newspapers in Portland, Ore., near her hometown. In her workshops, Joan empowers grandparents by freeing them from the guilt they may feel. Many grandparents feel they are betraying their children by pursing permanent custody and then adoption of their grandchildren. It can tear you apart, the question of where your loyalty should lie. But, Joan tells them: Here are your priorities: 1. I am No. 1 2. My grandkids are No. 2 3. My adult child is No. 3 In addition to raising Chad and managing her business, Joan also helps her five siblings take care of their elderly parents and aunt. "My parents are independent, but they have medical problems," Joan says. "We know the driving issue is coming up and that intense intervention will be needed soon." She does admit that she often feels, "There is no time for me!". But, she has committed to her No. 1 job--being a full-time mother to Chad. The circumstances that bring a grandchild to the home of a grandparent can be heartbreaking, embarrassing, tragic, horrific and shocking. But, for Joan, the results of the circumstances have only brought her blessings. "The truth is, I needed Chad; Chad was a gift to me. "And, he keeps me young," she adds. A hard life now a good life for a special grandson |
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