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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nine-year-old, 79-year-old keep the place hopping Lennda, a member of one of our online support groups, helps raise her nine-year-old granddaughter. We recently asked her to share her experiences. Caregiving: Your 26-year-old son has a nine-year-old daughter; they both live on your property. Tell us about how you help your granddaughter. Lennda: My 26-year-old son and his nine-year-old daughter, Brianna, have a mobile home on my property. As a step in mom for Brianna, I have taken responsibility to care for her when Dad is out and about or going to college. She did go to Texas to visit my brother and his wife for two months of the summer. It was a nice break! We are presently getting into a routine for the school year. Three or four days a week, after she arrives home from school. we take a break for one to two hours. After the break we do homework, have dinner, shower, pick out school clothes for the next day and then spend quality time together. On the other days, Dad gets to take over. Occasionally, on the weekends, Brianna and I go to a coffee shop, have garage sales, or just work in the yard together. Sometimes, she has her cousins over and plays and plays. Caregiving: Your granddaughter's mother is a drug addict, so you don't allow contact. Have you found yourself in any legal battles to protect your granddaughter? And, how do you explain the situation to your granddaughter? Lennda: Brianna has had the misfortune of having a drug addicted mother. It is a very sad thing that her Mother spends a lot of time in jail. After one occasion when her mother went to rehabilitation we allowed her visitation. That went well for about a year. Her mother went back onto drugs and we just said, "Never again". My son never married the mother but he was on the birth record as Dad. He has cared for Brianna since she was a year old. It wasn't until the last two years that he really needed my assistance. My son filed papers for sole custody, which is still being processed through the courts. The only problem that I can see is they had trouble serving the mother. I do believe this has happened so I can't imagine any other problems for my son acquiring the full custody that he wants. Brianna has always known the truth about her mother and we have had some conversations regarding the situation. It is hard to speak in a childlike manner about something so serious. She does know that drugs are bad and that they hurt people. She has been hurt by them already. Just today I mentioned her mother and she asked why I mentioned her mother? She said, "I had forgotten about her." Well, I don't really know how to comment on that. Caregiving: How is helping with your granddaughter different than raising your own children? And, what are the similarities? Lennda: It's different in that I consult with her Dad about everything that is important. I firmly believe that, as her father, he has the final say on everything. I do not and will not take control. With my own children I had to be in control and I learned from experience that Moms who try to take control of their children's' children just cause trouble. There are similarities in the fact that the dependency of a female child on a stable female figure is important. Actually, it is essential. A child really needs to know that they have a dependable role model--a place to turn when the world is falling apart for them. So I guess the bonding is the same whether it is a natural child or grandchild. Caregiving: Do you ever feel resentment about your situation? If so, how do you manage it? If not, how do you keep focused on the positives of the situation? Lennda: I totally feel as if life has a way of happening for us. It is my belief that we only think we have control over things. My fate as a caregiver of my Mom, Dad, children and grandchildren was probably determined before my birth. I have really had very little say about any of it. Everyone's decisions affect another person's decisions one way or another when you are close to the people. Sometimes it seems to me that some decisions are pretty lame. I have to ask myself, Who am I to judge it? When I feel resentful of the demands, I have thoughts about running away. It is easy to think that way when the days are rough. When the days are good, I wonder why I would ever want to be anywhere else. I think it is best described as the ecstasy and the agony of life. It would follow behind me if I changed anything, so I just plod along most of the time. I am not a real good plodder, though. My husband has taught me well. Some times I sit in the quiet or play my games to relieve the pressures. When things are really bad I take an impromptu day off and go to a casino or something creative, like my good old standby, the coffee shop. When it gets really, really bad, I blow off steam and everybody runs and hides. They can feel my energy! Of course that sounds worse than it is. Caregiving: Tell us about your mom, for whom you care. How old is she, where does she live, how do you assist her? What are your current challenges in caring for your mom? Lennda: My mother is my second most demanding project. Please try to get the humor in this paragraph. She is 79-years-old and should have been an actress. She actually sang professionally on the radio in the 30's. She has a beautiful voice! Like an angel to me. However, the actress thing is contemptible! She primps like no other woman in the world. I can't even find the time to apply makeup. Mom is very showy and I totally have to change my way of thinking around her. It is fascinating how she finds such great pleasure in TV and acting. Her imagination wants us on the go always. She likes the idea of wining and dining like the people do in the movies. She would have been a great Elizabeth Taylor-look-and-act-alike! Other than that I care for my Mom in a very ordinary way. I shop, do laundry, cook meals, do housework, converse with her, help her with bathing and the infamous primping. She uses a walker, so I have to assist her with that and she now has an electric wheelchair so she can scoot about our one acre of land playing that she is Alice in Wonderland while feeding all the wild birds and other animals. I love my Mom and she has taught me a childlike way of living. I just added some reality to it for the important things. She is a wonderful person with a few ailments that she has actually done well with. Her problems are ITP (Idiopathic Thrombocyctopenia Purpura), history of Myocardial infarction, High Blood pressure, Colitis and Osteoarthritis. The arthritis is the most consuming of all because it is debilitating. It is my fear that that condition will stop allowing me to care for her in the future because she is a large woman; I am getting too old to be able to lift her or carry her. Caregiving: You also cared for your father, until his death about 18 months ago. In addition, your husband is disabled due to back problems. Do you ever feel like you don't have enough "caring" to go around? Lennda: Last year I had the responsibility of caring for my dad until his death in March of 2003. It was an experience that I will cherish because it helped me understand more about dying. I needed that because I had a son die 30 years ago. I wanted to stand closer to the deathbed to try to come to some understanding of it all. I thank my dad for allowing me the once in a lifetime experience that I needed. It is a grueling process to care for a totally disabled person and watch them die. I felt a compassion that nothing else could ever come close to. Even though my husband is disabled, he was very helpful to my dad and I. My husband is a rare find who makes me coffee, cooks, does dishes, etc. He assisted me in caring for my dad and he is very emotionally supportive. I am blessed! My husband is the reason that I have enough caring to go around. When I am not able to do it all, he picks up the slack. At times, I don't even have to ask. As far as my energy level goes, this year it has been hard to keep up energy. I am also thankful I have supportive children that will actually listen to me when I need an ear or to pitch in and help out. The heat this year has made living harder and I can hardly wait for it to cool. That zaps the energy alot. To refresh myself I take time alone! This year that has not been as frequent as I would like but I am hoping now that school has begun, it will increase. Caregiving: If others find themselves caring for aging relatives at the same time they help raise a grandchild, what advice and suggestions would you offer? Lennda: I would say the first and best thing to do is prioritize everything according to need. Second, don't think the world cannot go on without you. It can. So, take breaks. Third, let someone do something for you. I think quite often we caregivers think it won't be done right if we don't do it. Even if that is true, others can learn by doing or be taught. We can't do it all. Fourth, keep a sense of humor. Laughter is one of the most essential things in life, without it everything is misery and drudgery. I also allow others to do as much for themselves as they can. I do not like to interfere or control. I really encourage people to take responsibility for themselves and even take some of mine if they can. Lastly, if all else fails: Get a baby-sitter and go fishing. A hard life now a good life for a special grandson |
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