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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Health Care Decisions Just the Facts, Ma’am: Keeping your Emotions in Check It always happens at the worst time: An altercation at work has broken down your resolve to never cry at work. Now, you stand at the bathroom sink, red-faced, blurry-eyed—crying. Or, you promise yourself you won’t yell when your mother asks, for the 60th time, "Are the Cubs going to the World Series?" But, it’s 4:30 p.m., you’re tired of being inside, tired of the laundry, tired of solitude. The question comes. You yell. Martha Holstein, PhD. Associate for Research at Park Ridge Center for Health, Faith and Ethics, Park Ridge, Ill., reminds us that emotions are good, because they present a problem for us. But, sometimes emotions can be barriers to good decisions. Your worry or fear or anxiety may get in the way of really hearing a doctor’s prognosis or suggestions or recommendations. He says: Your mother has inoperable cancer. You hear: Your mother faces imminent death. How do you keep your emotions in check during a terrible crisis, when the news is delivered? When you feel heart palpitations, or flushed cheeks, or watery eyes, stay calm. If needed, ask health care professionals or family members to give you a moment to compose yourself. Step out of the room, take deep breathes, repeat your favorite Psalm, whatever you can do to calm yourself. As you interact with health care professionals, remember to focus on the facts. Ask health care professionals to repeat these facts to you; ask for any written information they can provide--brochures, pamphlets, literature. For the time being, put your emotions in your purse, your wallet, your briefcase. Take your emotions out when you are home and comfortable, whether that be in the company of one (you) or among a houseful of family and friends. Then, name your emotions: I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m frightened. Once you’ve name the emotion, look for the underlying reason. Are you afraid? Intimidated? Uncomfortable? Overwhelmed? Your emotions may relate to unresolved issues. For instance, you may worry that your mother will die before you've had a chance to resolve some of your unfinished emotional business. Or, you may worry that your father will die before he sees your children grow into adults, or before your career really takes off. Resolve any emotional business with your care recipient now. Say the words to your care recipient; all care recipients, regardless of cognitive ability, can hear the words: Mom, I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive when you re-married. Grandma, I still am angry at you for not helping me when my children were smaller. Dad, I worry that you are not proud of me. Saying the words is more important than receiving a reaction or a response. Saying the words helps you let go of some of the weight in your emotional baggage. Lightening your load will help you make good health care decisions for aging relative. And, as you name your emotions, also respect them. Your emotions can lead you to some amazing realizations about yourself and your care recipients. |
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