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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Health Care Decisions When your family pushes your button, turn off the power By Denise M. Brown In January 2001 I had a terrible fight with my sister. At my job. In front of my boss. I became so enraged with her, I yelled. I yelled: Take off the martyr suit--it doesn't fit anymore! I yelled: These are your issues, not ours. Solve them! I yelled: You bring a heart full of hate to every family function you attend! When I finally ended the phone call (we hung up on each other), I looked around and for the first time in 20 minutes realized where I was. Ooops, I thought, shouldn't have done that in front of the boss. Managing conflict, especially conflict with other family members, is tough. Family members know just what buttons to push, just what words to say, just what memories to dredge up. And, that's why managing conflict within the family can be so difficult. As you face difficult medical treatment decisions, you may find yourself working with siblings and other relatives to reach a consensus agreement. And, as you know from previous experiences, consensus and agreement usually do not mix within the family. So, how do you manage conflict when you need to come to a decision? Some things to consider: 1. If you're in a discussion with a sibling and that sibling makes inappropriate comments, develop a deaf ear. My fight with my sister escalated after a family function at which she had behaved badly. Her behavior had been an issue with the family for years, but an issue we discussed behind her back, never with her. After this particular family function, I decided: Enough. I contacted her to hear her side of the story, she brushed off my advances. I decided it was time to lay it on the line. I sent her an e-mail indicating where I stood. I had another sibling read it before I sent it; this sibling acted as my Good Sense. The sibling gave the e-mail the okay: I sent it. My sister read the e-mail, then called me at work to tell me that my nieces were no longing coming to my house (I expected them in about an hour) to attend a long-planned sleep-over. That's when I lost it. Looking back, I wish I would have just said: “That's your decision to make. I don't agree with it. I'll call you in a few weeks to reschedule.” Because I never have been able to reschedule that sleep-over with my nieces; my temper and words gave my sister enough ammunition to keep another sleep-over from taking place. It's a lesson I learned: When someone pushes your buttons, your response turns all the power over to them. Sometimes, not responding is the best way to keep a situation under control. 2. Keep to the subject at hand: What is best for my aging relative? If issues arise about who was Mom's favorite, or who did the most for Mom, then take the upper hand. Indicate these subjects are not up for discussion. What is up for discussion is the well-fair of Mom. Then ask questions that help everyone stick to the purpose: What would Mom have wanted? How do we best respect Mom's wishes? How do we best meet the needs of the family? The primary family caregiver? 3. Let go of convincing others of who is the Good Guy and who is the Bad Guy. Other family members and health care professionals will understand the dynamics of the situation just by observing and listening. 4. Give in to the fact that you can't like the unlikeable. It's okay if you don't like your sister or your brother. Even though you may not like them, they still play an important role in the decision-making process. You can still respect their opinion and perspective. And, remember: You may not like them, but your care recipient most likely loves them. 5. It's not about who's right, but about what's best. Boy, do we want to be right. Always. But in these situations, it really is not about who is right. It's about what's best for your family member. 6. Bring in a mediator. A respected family member, a minister or rabbi, a physician, an ethics committee (every hospital has one, many nursing homes do too) can offer an objective opinion that you and your family members may be too subjective to reach. If you find yourselves fighting the same fights, call in the Calvary. 7. It's hard to always be the bigger person. It's exhausting to keep your emotions in check, to ignore inappropriate comments. But, you'll make your care recipient proud when you do! |
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