|
Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
|
Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Their Past, Our Present When they change for the better We see too often the damage that illness and disease can do. But, in Mary Ellen's situation, the opposite has occurred: Her father's dementia has tempered him, turned him into a nice person. Mary Ellen, who with her siblings cares for her parents, found herself in a situation where she had to forgive her father's past in order to form a new, nurturing relationship. We asked Mary Ellen to reflect on her caregiving role to her parents. Caregiving: Tell us about your childhood. Mary Ellen: I was the ninth child out of ten children in a middle-class Irish Catholic family. My mother was a full-time homemaker while my father was the primary breadwinner. My father's occupation required him to travel most of the time so we rarely saw him. The day-to-day upbringing of us fell on my mother with the older kids helping when needed. When my father was home, the atmosphere was rather tense. My father's role was more as a disciplinarian. He had a controlling personality and expected all of the kids to be quiet. He ran the household like the military. Once he was away from the home, things were more relaxed and fun. My mother was very laid back and fun to be around. Caregiving: You now take care of your parents. Describe your relationship with your parents today. Mary Ellen: My relationship with my mother has more or less stayed the same. We have always had a close relationship. I have always felt very comfortable around my mother and could talk to her about most things. Beginning in my teen years, I felt more of a responsibility to protect her. Whenever my mother got sick, my father would always comment how overworked she was and that none of us kids contributed enough around the house. So as I got older, I took over the role as her protector and helper. I was always very concerned that she would get sick and felt a great responsibility toward her well-being. Since my mom has had health problems for many years, nothing has really changed. The responsibility has just intensified. I never had a close relationship with my father. For many years, I wished he would just disappear. I was uncomfortable around him and also afraid of him. Granted, there were times that he would be fine. He was intelligent and had a good sense of humor. However, you could never predict his mood. He was terribly abusive. Though I felt this way about him, I have always respected him. I believe the task of raising so many children was too overwhelming for his personality type. I think if he had only two children he would have been fine. Sadly, now that my dad has dementia I can truly say I like him. Once he moved beyond the frustrating stage of his illness, he became a different person. He is always so nice and friendly. Caregiving: Your father's temperament has mellowed; he's a different man today. Are you able to adapt and relate to him as he is now? Mary Ellen: Though I like him better now, it still took some time to process whom he has become. At times, it is all very sad. Not all the siblings can deal with it. Mostly the men in the family are having a difficult time.
Caregiving: You're working with your siblings, for the most part, to provide care for your parents. As you work to provide care, what have you learned about your siblings? About yourself? Mary Ellen: It took many months for my parents to agree to move into an assisted living facility. For the most part, we all are very headstrong and believe that we all know what's best. Amazingly, we were all able to come to a consensus that we would not force my parents into a place. We all agreed they had to make the decision. At the same time, we knew that they couldn't be left on their own devices for much longer and we were concerned for their safety and the safety of others because of my dad's driving. Fortunately, they finally agreed to move and at the same time my father agreed to give up his car. Obviously, like many families, there are certain issues. Many of my siblings had a similar relationship as I had with my dad. However, everyone has acted in a very caring manner towards both Mom and Dad. Fortunately, my parents had the foresight to prepare when they were both of sound mind and designated POA's for both health and finance. Luckily, between all of us, we have enough resources to solve various situations and plan the next level of care. Mary Ellen is 44-years-old, works full-time and is married. Health care settings may stir up tortured memories of past Survivors can’t tell, but also can’t forget When they change for the better What is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder? |
Ask
An Expert |
|
|
|
|
|
© Tad Publishing Co.
1996-2004 |
