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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Promised! Needed: Honest discussions about who wants what Frank and Emily cared for Frank's mother, Agnes, for several years, in her home, then for the last year, in their home. It wasn't easy; both Frank and Emily had envisioned their retirement years to be full of long trips, restful evenings, and fulfilling volunteer work. They found their “volunteer work”; it was just that caring for Frank's mother became much more of a commitment than they ever envisioned. But, she needed them--they wanted to be there for her. The day after Agnes died, it started. Frank's brothers (who lived in the same town, no more than ten minutes away) went to Agnes' home (Frank and Emily kept her home, hoping some day she could return to it) and packed up their cars with the antiques, the jewelry, the dishes. Frank discovered an almost-empty house the night before the funeral. What sometimes becomes lost in the midst of the hunt for the possessions is the recognition of the rightful owner of the possessions. Until an estate has been settled, the rightful owner is the owner, in this case, Agnes. "The owner should make the decisions about inheritance," says Marlene Stum, Associate Professor, Family Economics & Gerontology, Family Social Science, University of Minnesota Extension Services and author, Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate? "Adult children really want their parents to make the decision about who gets what and parents really want input." Sometimes a communication impasse creates problems of distributing inheritance: Parents don't want to tell, adult children don't want to ask. But, Marlene emphasizes, it's okay for the owner to make decisions about title and personal property. If an aging relative suffers from a dementia or a cognitive impairment which makes such decisions impossible, then the possessions should be distributed as part of the estate--and not before. To start the process rolling about who wants what and who should get what, ask your siblings and/or other family members to make list of what they would like to inherit and why. A second list should be created, as well--of what others should get and why. "Objects have different meanings to different people," Marlene stresses. "Don't assume that everyone will want the same things." When creating these lists, ask family members to keep in mind: --What is your goal? What are trying to attain and/or retain? Family history? Cash for care? A family donation to a museum? When you gather to discuss the lists, make some ground rules. Determine: --What things can be divided now; --What things can wait to be divided later; --What fair means: How can possessions be divided so that everyone's comfort level is respected? Marlene strongly suggests that possessions be gifted during one's life. Encourage your care recipient to start the process of sharing the inheritance during his or her life, so he or she can see the enjoyment the possessions give and so that conflict and tension among other family members is lessened. And, when gifts are made of family possessions, another great gift is shared: The family history behind each object. |
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