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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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In your words: What are the traits of a successful family caregiver?
Taking time out to smell the roses. Knowing that your best is good enough--you are only human. Realizing the glass is half full. Please stop feeling guilty. --Donna Baldwin, Levittown, Pa.; 1999 Caregiver of the Year Award Recipient, Caregiving! newsletter; and support group facilitator, Children of Aging Parents, a national organization for family caregivers
The things I have found that make a caregiver successful are first a sense of humor. My aunt did things that pushed all the wrong buttons, but if I stood back a moment and thought how my daughters would see it when we talked, I could usually see the humor in the situation. It's always easy to laugh after the fact, so it was my plan to think about that laughter in the moment and it often defused the situation. Caregivers need patience. We are not always aware of what we can handle. Sometimes it helps to think of yourself in the position of someone with AD and how you would want to be treated. It is also imperative to swallow that pride we all seem to have. Asking for help is not a weakness. It may be professional help for yourself or help from family, friends and neighbors. Most times people are more than willing to lend a hand. --Sidney Williams
As the parent of two special needs children and a professional in the field, I can give you my thoughts on what makes a caregiver successful. It is the ability to recognize that you really are a caregiver, then acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, whether that means a bit of respite or attending your own doctors’ appointments, you will not be able to take care of others. Thirdly, ask for help before you reach the crisis or burn out point. These are the three things that have kept me healthy in my role as a caregiver. --Nancy Olson, RN
Convincing my mother that living alone did not mean being alone was the hardest challenge that I faced as her daughter and caregiver. Staying in her own home meant having outside help who would have to come inside. Working with the system instead of fighting against it was our biggest challenge. We still have to fine-tune the system and tweak it all the time but we are working as a team now. Finding a healthcare agency that could meet our needs was the next challenge. There is more demand for service workers than can be filled. We are always fighting the clock, the weather, and the needs of other clients. Mom is sensitive and not everyone can meet her concerns. When we find a good worker, we want to keep her. When we lose a good worker, it is a loss. Knowing that my mother has a good worker that she will allow into her home allows me to sleep at night, take care of my own health, and be there for the real times that Mom needs a daughter. I am grateful. --Heather e Siegel, Escondido, Calif.
Honestly, I think that one of my greatest successes was when I realized that I couldn't AND shouldn't do all the caregiving myself! I felt immense guilt when I finally made the decision to move Mom to a nursing home. I felt that I should be caring for her at home, even though my children were little and would be endangered by things like Mom's habit of spitting constantly (ewwww), not making it to the bathroom, and inability to see things like toys and stairs in her path. Still, there was no confusing me with the facts, I had to do it all and be super-mom and super-daughter! Finally, some blessed soul said to me, "Debbie, if your mom had cancer, would you insist on treating her at home, all by yourself, or would you realize you couldn't properly care for her alone, and get her the professional help she needs?" That was an incredible revelation! I realized that part of caregiving is arranging proper care, and, through careful supervision, ensuring that her needs are being met! You're not necessarily giving it yourself, thereby risking the safety and health of your loved one with dementia, your husband, your children, and of course, yourself! When I realized I couldn't do it all myself, Mom's needs were finally met in the best manner possible, and so were the needs of my own family. --Debbie Center, Littleton, Colo.
There are many successes on the caregiving road--some small, some large; some smooth and others bumpy. A major one for me was the ending of denial. When accepting the reality of what was happening rather than thinking it would all get bettter "if only". Another one that I think we all face is making time. I doubt there are many situations where balancing the demands of time with responsibilities can be more stressful. It seemed my decisions were constantly fueled by fear or guilt, tainted by emotion and dampened by uncertainty. But each hard-won moment spent being a caregiver was in itself a success. --Carl Sonego
Caregiving is very hard on the surface and even deeper as time goes by, but what I have found within my deepest wounds brought on by this caregiving, for me, it’s the meaning of life. Life's a struggle, and I cherish it. Keep love as your guidepost, and never, never, give up! Life doesn't, and that’s exactly what we all are. I wish I could share all the rewards caregiving has brought into my heart, but who knows what is before you. Always remember love and never give up. I know it’s easier said than done, but I can't walk in your shoes, only you can. --Bob Casails
After working with caregivers in an internship in an adult day health care center; primary caregiver of nine years for a mom who suffered a stroke and brain surgery and remained in her home; primary caregiver for an elderly aunt who has Alzheimer’s and still lives at home; and providing social work support in a primary care clinic, I believe that a number of characteristics are necessary for good family caregiving. These include: --Support: Using as many friends, family members, social support services, literature, prayer, and philosophies you can find, --Humor: Oh, my God!!!! Absolutely essential or it becomes totally unbearable, --Acceptance: Realization that this is what needs to be done, --Commitment: Once acceptance is reached, commitment kept me going, --Sometimes not thinking about the reality of what's being done, i.e., doing some pretty personal caregiving duties, getting up three to four times a night to assist w/toileting or need to reposition, every night for months on end), --Ability to communicate (both talk and listen) with others in order to work out anger or frustration issues--and a willingness to do so because these will occur, --Good organizational skills in keeping calendars and organizing others, --Thanking others, --Ability to ask others for help. Oh yes, and money or resources... There are many resources available if people can network into them. Lots of love and gratitude for having such an honor. And positive self talk and respect for doing this generous gift. --Raymond Konz
Caregiving success can be such a roller coaster, especially for loved ones whose cognitive conditions are ever-changing--e.g., dementia-related diseases such as Alzheimer's. As a family caregiver, I believed that learning as much as I could about my father's Alzheimer's would better prepare me to know what to expect. This opened my eyes and reduced the number of surprises I encountered. Still, I walked this journey not knowing enough to make it easy. Fortunately, through organizations like Caregiving.com and the Alzheimer's Association, we are able to learn more about our caregiving journeys and even have a support network through online caregiver chats, support groups, etc.--all, which help us to feel a part of a community that understands the road we travel. The key for me to being a successful family caregiver (although sometimes I felt I was suffering from Alzheimer's instead of my father!) is to imagine that I have his disease and what it means for me in my rush-rush hectic life. What would I no longer be able to do? I would grow dependent, lose my connection to my friends and colleagues, and lose my identity. This is sad. And then I would forget. I would not be able to express myself and grow frustrated. I would "see" things. I would be afraid. I would try to defend myself. I might get angry. Day-after-day and week upon week, I imagined myself in my father's role. Today, I do the same with others who require care. I find that this is one of the keys to being a successful caregiver. In all aspects try to imagine yourself in the care recipient's situation. The more detail you can imagine the greater your empathy and compassion. As my father neared his final weeks and days, I had learned something we frequently speak about and only a few of us have the good fortune to experience--The power of unconditional communication and unconditional love. Caregiving is not for everyone. But for those who take it on and are successful, the rewards are life-changing. The rewards are priceless! --Brenda Avadian, M.A., Speaker and Author, Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's: When Tears are Dried with Laughter, Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's: Caregivers share the JOYFUL times and "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk Through Alzheimer's |
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