Caregiving Special Focus

Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years

When Caregiving Causes Debt How I Survived My Dark Days By Denise M. Brown (Note: My story was originally posted on my blog; I have added a few details for this article.) I have two periods in my life that consisted of really dark days. The first time occurred during my marriage, through which I ate and cried my way. I had dark days for two years until I left my husband, something I tried to do probably six times before I finally succeeded. The day I left my husband was the day I could leave my husband. My other period of dark days took place from 2003 until 2005. I had quit my full-time day job to devote all my time to my business, believing that trying to work a day job while trying to grow my business stunted the business’ growth. I had worked full-time jobs since starting my business in 1995. I was tired of working so much. I was exhausted from taking vacation days to give presentations. It was hard to have a day of no work. So, I went for it, relying on a part-time job, regular well-paying seminar gigs and my strong will to make my business a financial success. I really believed (and still do) that helping family caregivers is my life's calling. I truly feel I answered God's call when I started my newsletter and created my website. Surely, God would care for me as I cared for others. Unfortunately, it just didn't work that way for me. For almost two years, I barely cleaned my apartment, I rarely called friends and I took a long, long time to return my sister’s calls. My friend Bernice called it going “underground”. And, that’s where I was–below the world, trying desperately to crawl up into it. I worked 70-hour weeks, but the bills piled up, my spirits soiled and my activity level reached bare minimum. My phone rang non-stop–when it wasn’t disconnected–but not with new business, with bill collectors. I wore my four-year-old glasses because I couldn’t buy contacts. I grew my hair long, because I couldn’t afford a haircut. My car got towed. I asked everyone to subscribe to my newsletter (Caregiving!, which I launched in 1995 and folded in 2005), but no one did. Everyone said they loved it, but, for whatever reason, just never subscribed. A seminar client who provided regular business and on-time payments started slowing its payment schedule. And, a change in personnel caused a foul-up that delayed a hefty payment for months. By this time, I just didn't have back-up resources in place. As my descent into the underground grew deeper, my ability to rebound and regroup suffered. I increased my hours at my part-time job, I took any odd job I could find, I applied for full-time work. Because nothing was working it seemed like nothing would work. I went into a credit counseling program, but then couldn’t meet their payments. It became somewhat of a vicious circle. I had a business coach who did her best with me until her frustration level grew to the point where she just couldn’t coach me. I was doing something wrong, she was sure, but what? Round and round we went trying to come up with my critical actions that caused my catastrophic business malfunction. When my landlord called 10 days before I moved to let me know another rent check bounced, I broke down on the phone in tears and told her I was doing the best I could. I can’t remember the last time I cried to someone. It was awful. When I knew I had to move out of my apartment, a friend suggested that I rent a room from a retired priest. He had his own apartment and often rented his second bedroom to those in need. I met with him to discuss this possibility. As I shared my story, he said to me, “God wants you to do His work, but He also wants you to be happy and live a full life. He does not want you to unhappy.” A living arrangement with the priest wouldn't have worked, but he gave me such comfort that meeting him proved pivotal for me. I asked my parents and siblings for help. So, my siblings moved me back home. I decide to go belly-up with my business. I put my website up for sale (actually put a “For Sale” sign on the site) but got such minimal offers for 10 years of work that I felt it was more valuable to keep it. I did my best to keep moving forward, to adjust to living with my folks, to reconcile the failures, to try to figure out what in the world I wanted to do with my life. I found a day job, which ultimately led to new life. I was able to buy a computer last spring (until then I updated the website by using my local library's computer) which enabled me to spend more time on my website, which led to more time on my website... (It's hard for me to give up.) Two years later, I am still in awe that I survived. My credit is still recovering. I have paid off almost half my debt. Now I actually can go to a store and buy things, like clothes. I enjoy regular haircuts. I have new glasses and replacement contact lenses. I can buy food. I enjoy time with friends on a regular basis and always return my sister’s call within hours. I have a photo ID for my job that I have to wear. The picture on my ID was taken two years ago. A co-worker regularly comments on how different I look now. “I can't believe it's you in that photo.” Money worries change everything, even how you look. When I regained my footing, I found my smile. I'm back to working seven days a week between my full-time job and my business. I am often tired. But, I'll never quit my full-time job until I have lots of money in the bank, no debt, and plenty of paying customers lined up. Sometimes, it’s just not our time. How do we survive our dark days? One step at a time. Index of Articles Caring for Two Most Important Women In His Life Surviving to Find a New Life The Choices Sometimes Mean a Financial Hardship How I Survived My Dark Days Resources to Help Your Care Recipient Resources to Help You Caregiving Forum: Speak Out About Our Stories and Your Financial Worries Tell a friend about this article:

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