How do I find a support group? I am also in need of a good caregiver for my mom who lives with me. Any direction you can provide would be appreciated.

Hello,

This article has suggestions and links to resources on finding a caregiver.

And, these sites include directories of caregivers for hire:

• Sitter City

• Care.com

• Caregiver List

We have online support groups; we’d love for you to join; details are here.

You also can contact your local Area Agency on Aging to find out about local programs to help family caregivers, including support groups. For a referral to your local Area Agency on Aging, visit http://www.eldercare.gov.

Hope this helps!

Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone! Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours. If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

I’m not really sure how to work myself around the site yet. However, I wanted to tell you my story and ask for some advice. My mother that had a massive stroke last year. It left her paralyzed on her dominant side and considerable amount of brain damage. She also shows signs of Alzheimer’s.

She is currently in a nursing home and very, very depressed. I want to bring her home to take care of her; however, I have no skills. I plan on taking a CNA course to help me understand a little more about the nursing side of things. I am currently researching everything to find out all my options.

My house is not equipped for handicap and we are living on a very limited budget. My husband is very apprehensive, but my heart goes out for my mother and I want to do as much as I can to make her life a little happier. My question for you is how and where do I start with preparation to bring her to my home. I spoke with her doctor to see what he felt about her mental condition and he seems to think it is too much for any one family member to handle. I see there are many individuals on your site that is dealing with this every day. Can you give me any suggestions and advice about this situation? Thank You.

Hello,

First, I think you are very wise to investigate your decision as much asyou can. And, you (and your husband) will ultimately be the best judge of how much you can manage.

Some suggestions:

1. Schedule an appointment with the social worker at the nursing home. Explain that you are considering taking your mom home. What, if any, programs and services could help you if you decide to do this? Does your mom qualify to receive any help in the home? (You also can search to find out here: www.benefitscheckup.org.) Also ask: If you bring your mom home, but decide it’s best that your mom return to the nursing home, how quickly could your mom be re-admitted? A back-up plan will be really
important–just in case.

2. Ask the social worker to schedule times you can shadow the staff as they care for your mom. Watch the CNAs and therapists as they provide hands-on care with your mom. How comfortable are you in taking on these duties? How quickly could you learn what’s necessary? You are smart to take a CNA class; this real-world view will help with your decision.

3. Schedule a time to meet with the physical and occupational therapists in the facility. Ask for their suggestions in equipment and devices that can help in caring for you mom. And, ask for their input: What will you need and need to know to make this work?

As you gather the information, share what you learn with your husband. Be sure to listen to his concerns and weigh his objections in the decision.

These articles will be helpful:

One Household for All? To Combine or Not to Combine:
http://www.caregiving.com/read/one-household/

Three’s Company: You, Your Spouse and Caregiving:
http://www.caregiving.com/read/threes-company/

Telling Your Truth so You Can Form Your Team:
http://www.caregiving.com/read/truth-team/

You sound like a very thoughtful person, which means you make thoughtful decisions. As you move forward, keep in mind your back-up plans and allow for adjustments and modifications. And, consider this question: Where will your mom receive the most appropriate care? Wherever that may be, your loving care will be a blessing and a necessity.

Please let me know what happens.

If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

Related Articles

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• Ask Denise: How Do I Hire Home Care Workers? (caregiving.com)
• Ask Denise: Do I Confront Him About His Lack of Help? (caregiving.com)

My 93-year-old mother resents going to bed at 10 p.m. I work full-time and get up at 6. She has bad knees and I fear she will fall. She uses a walker. She wants to stay up to watch Letterman. She will only fall asleep on the couch anyways.

Any suggestions!

Hello,

Ah, you need your rest and she needs her Letterman. Is it possible for you both to get what you want, even if it seems you want different things?

There are so many caregiving battles, but most seem to center on whose schedule (and preferences) will win. I think it’s possible to find a compromise so you both feel you’ll get what you need.

My suggestion: Buy a smaller TV for her room, as well as a bedside commode. She’s in bed at 10, and ready for bed, but can enjoy TV until she falls asleep (in her bed). Place the bedside commode close enough that she can use if needed; be sure her walker is properly positioned so that she can use it to get out of bed. And, make sure she can easily turn on a light so she can see if she must use the commode.

I have a timer on my remote for my TV–I can set the TV to go off automatically in a certain number of minutes. Perhaps you could do that, too—automatically set the TV to go off so you can avoid getting up once you’re settled.

You can check with her physician about having a physical therapist and occupational therapist visit your home to complete an in-home evaluation. During the evaluation, the therapists can demonstrate proper techniques for using the commode and walker (and other equipment, as recommended). Medicare does cover the cost of therapists who provide these at-home evaluations, as long as a physician orders the services. If her physician is not able to help with this, please let me know.

Hope this helps!

If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

I’ve been reading the recent discussion about guilt. I do schedule time away from my caree, but feel guilty for doing so—even though I know I want and need the time away.

I wonder: Is feeling guilty related to self-esteem?

Hello,

What a great question.

The short answer: Yes.

Let’s break it down.

Here’s the good about your guilt: Your ability to feel guilty shows your great capacity to feel for another. You can appreciate another’s pain or sadness or loneliness; you can put yourself in another’s shoes. Your caring is a good virtue.

It can become a problem, though, if you seem to care more for others than you do for yourself or if your guilt seems to get in the way of you living your life (when you can, given the constraints of caregiving).

Here’s the definition of guilt:
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

Consider the second definition: A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Hmmm….

Let’s say you’re taking a break you want to take*, you’ve put back-up care in place, you’ve provided solutions to all anticipated problems, and you’ve created a phone tree of persons who can be contacted in case of an emergency.

But, when you leave, you still feel guilty. What offense could you have committed?

It could be you feel guilty because you will enjoy a life outside of caregiving when your caree cannot really enjoy a life outside of a disease process (or frailty or permanent injury). Your offense, truly, may be that you are healthy enough to enjoy an activity, a vacation, an experience.

Is that really an offense worthy of that awful feeling of guilt?

So, what could keep you in a place where thoughts such as “I don’t deserve to have this time away because I don’t deserve to have health” live? Yep, a lack of confidence. So, when a caree says, “I don’t know how you can feel good about leaving me here while you traipse around the city,” you’ll think, “Oh, he’s right. I don’t deserve this time away.”

Seems kinda nutty, doesn’t it?

If you come from a place of confidence, you may be able to say, “I am taking this break because I deserve time for just me. I work hard–I deserve a break.” And, when your caree says, “A good daughter would stay here with her mother in her time of need,” you can say, “I am a good daughter. I’ll be back tonight about 10 p.m. I’ll stop by your room to say ‘Good Night’.”

When our self-esteem takes a dip, we leave more room for others to fill it with their own baggage. When we’re not feeling good about ourselves, we open the door for others to plunk down their own luggage of self-doubt in our room. Their own dirty laundry—insecurities and lack of confidence—spills over and adds to our own.

Worse: When we’re low, we often allow others to dictate how we feel.

When we’re full, we own our own emotions.

Believe in your own goodness. Believe that you make good decisions about your own needs and wants. It’s okay if others can’t be happy for you or support you. That’s their choice. You choose otherwise.

Resources:

• Ending the Happiness Conflict

• Ask Denise: How Do I Walk Away Without the Guilt?

*Please note that you’ll have times during your caregiving experience when others will encourage you to take a break and you know it’s not the time to take a break. In this article, we’re only referring to the times you’ve made plans to take a break and it’s a break you really want. For a perspective on those other times, please read these articles:

• Ask Denise: How Do I Convince My Husband to Travel?

• Choosing Our Time

• Ahhh… It’s About Keeping the Caregiving

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• Ask Denise: How Do I Deal with the Endless Demands? (caregiving.com)
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• Can You Feel Better? (caregiving.com)

Dear Denise,

I have taken care of my mom and dad for the past almost 10 years (my dad died 1 year ago) and now I must relinquish that responsibility due to her inability to stay alone while I work. At her last hospitalization, she was diagnosed with an aggressive lymphoma for which, due to her heart health, aggressive treatment can not be done. I have huge guilt feelings about placement in nursing home but at the same time I know she is being well cared for. How do you walk away without the guilt when she appears fine and is extremely angry with me about where she is?

Hi,

What a rough road for you and your mom this last year. While grieving your dad, you find out really upsetting news about your mom. And, then, because of this news, you have to make a really difficult decision. It would be nice if you could get a break with some good news.

A few thoughts for you:

It’s okay that your mom is angry. It may seem she’s angry with you but she’s much angrier at her disease, her circumstances, her twist of fate. But, how can you be mad at something you can’t see or hear or touch? It’s much easier to be angry at you because you’re a tangible target.

When she expresses her anger, acknowledge and emphathize, but don’t take it on as your own. You can say, “I understand how difficult this situation is, Mom. Given all the losses you’ve experienced this year, it’s understandable that you feel so angry.” Then, give her a few moments to vent.

After a few minutes, tell her: “I wish it were different, too. I know you’re doing your best to adjust. I’m so grateful for every minute we have together. Let’s talk about this weekend. How do you want to spend Saturday?”

Often times, when we’re angry we just want someone to say: Given all that’s happened, you deserve to feel angry. If someone tries to minimize or diminish our anger, it just adds more fuel to the anger fire.

When you leave her, simply say, “I love you, Mom. I’ll call you tomorrow and see you tomorrow night (or whatever your calling/visiting schedule will be). Thank you for all you do for me.”

I think it’s hard to leave your mom without feeling any emotion. So, when you leave, acknowledge to yourself that you leave with sadness. It is such a sad situation! Give yourself time to feel that sadness. And, find a way to let it out. Ask the nursing home social worker if the facility has a support group for family members. Talk to family members and friends. Tell us here. Write about it in a journal.

Do you best to fight the guilt. If she lived with you, you would feel guilty for leaving to go to work. If she lived in her own apartment, you would feel guilty that she lived on her own and not with you. There’s so much to feel guilty about–which is why I hope you’ll let yourself off the hook.

On Sunday, Bette Scott, who cares for her mom, talked about her guilt on Your Caregiving Journey talk show. As Bette said during the show, feeling the guilt keeps you from enjoying the here and now. You’ve ensured your mom receives the care she needs. You advocate for her. You take care of her. You are doing what’s right and necessary even though it’s really hard. Focus on the time you have with her. Don’t let guilt rob you of that.

Please be sure to keep us posted.

If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

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I’ve been searching all day for answers and did not find any but I did find your web site. I wish I had found it sooner and had the time to go through it now.

I have so many questions it may take a month of Sundays to ask them. Of course that always leads to more. What I am trying to find today is is there any info on a monthly stipend to help take care of elderly disabled parent(s)?

My mom had back surgery 6 months ago and is now unable to walk. I have been there almost every day to help with her care. My husband, household and life have been put on hold. I wanted to go back to work but don’t know how I can arrange it and take care of Mom.

I have an elder sister who helps as often as possible but works full-time, an older sister that has now taken off for 6 weeks and usually doesn’t help much, an older brother (dialysis patient) who refuses to help with personal hygiene and toiletry and a younger brother who refuses to do anything or to come visit.

Any help on finding the answer? Thanks, and I hope this makes sense. I’m so tired and my brain is sluggish.

Hello,

You’re in a tough spot: How do you provide for family members who need your help without sacrificing your own security?

Our Caregiving or Your Career? section of articles may help. Visit here.

As for receiving reimbursement, you can check in your community to see what’s available to help. Programs differ from community to community. Some communities have programs that pay family caregivers, but many take into account a care recipient’s Medicaid eligibility (i.e., a care recipient must have income lower than a specific amount). You can see
what’s available in your community by calling the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral to your local Area Agency on Aging. You also can search for help at http://www.benefitscheckup.org.

Unfortunately, Medicare (federal insurance program typically for persons 65 and older) does not reimburse a family caregiver. You can learn more about Medicare and Medicaid through our FAQs of Caregiving.

And, please feel free to join our online support groups; the members understand! You can learn about our groups here:
http://www.caregiving.com/get-support/

Hope this helps!

Related articles

• When Starting Over Seems Like a Daily Duty, 10 Steps to a New Beginning (caregiving.com)
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My husband is caring for his parents who have 24-hour care in a nursing home.  My problem is that my husband does not feel comfortable traveling to get away and limit his stress. His communicates that he must be available to his folks “if anything happens.” He also feels that when one of them dies he must be available to tell the other how to cope with the situation. How do I provide support to him when I do not see the picture as he does?

Hello,

I can understand your worry about your husband and your wish for him to take a break from the stress. A few thoughts:

1. It’s hard to take break from worry, especially if your husband believes one of his parents will die soon.
2. I worry that perhaps your husband may not forgive himself if he is not home when one of his parents die. Your husband’s presence will not prevent a death, but his absence if a death occurs may affect him greatly.
3. You husband is telling you his values, one of which is being with his parents during an important time for all of them.
4. Given that, I also know that life is for the living.

My suggestions: Tell your husband you want him to be available for his parents, but you also worry that his stress level may cause him greater harm. Ask him: How can you support him now? What can you do to help his stress level?

You can tell him that you respect his values (and love him for them) and that you value time alone with him, that you love him and want to spend time with him. You also can ask: If we took a trip away for the weekend, what can we do to help you feel okay about it? Then, based on what he tells you, work together to develop a plan that he can live with. Work toward a compromise.

For instance, perhaps you decide to go away for just a weekend, somewhere that’s an easy drive from home. Your husband will spend the morning before you leave with his parents, he will provide a cell phone number so the staff can reach him in an emergency. He will also call to check in on his parents in the morning and evening while you are away. If something happens, you will return home.

It may not sound like much of a break, but small steps can increase your husband’s comfort level. You and your husband also can speak with the nursing home social worker, who can offer suggestions on how other families cope with such a difficult situation.

If he continues to refuse to travel, my suggestion would be to leave it be. The harder you push, the stronger he may pull.

Hope this helps.

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Dear Denise,

I am a full-time registered nurse with a family of my own. We live in upstate New York. Out of sheer emergency we moved my 88-year-old grandmother into our home as she was deemed legally blind due to cataracts. After one month here awaiting surgery it is obvious she is also suffering from mild dementia with a strong sundowners component.

We have tried to balance all kinds of different meds to try and control her aggressive verbal outbursts and memory loss. We have tried aricept, risperdal and paxil. The aricept after two weeks seem to make her more agitated and aggressive, the risperdal seem to make her cry alot and so far the paxil 12.5 cr is not doing alot??

This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My 17-year-old son has transferred to the living room gram has occupied that room. My husband and I rotate times with our work schedules so someone is always here. Her mood is very labile going from the loving sweet gram we knew to mad to sad and on occasion down right aggressive and mean.
Our days are consumed with her care even though she is ambulatory and continent and mentally oriented. During the day we try to visit with her as much as possible give her simple chores like laundry folding and dishes, etc. to make her feel productive, as this is how she has always been. She has never been one to sit in a chair and read watch TV or hobbies; she is a worker. I’m so scared for family’s long-term survival with this.

I can see the look in my son’s eyes. He has been wonderful with the situation, but I can tell he misses the family unit as he knew it. We have not even been able to go anywhere as a family since she moved in. We have taken her with us when possible but that adds other problems to the deal. We did set up a sitter one night when we left for a concert but this is the night she got totally disoriented, aggressive and verbally abusive to the sitter. I surmise her security net was gone and she couldn’t handle it??? We are scared to leave her again.

My grandmother lived for years independently in her own huge home totally self sufficient–major changes. We are a young family; I am 39; my husband, 44; son, 17. This is the biggest challenge we have ever faced. I go to work every day with my stomach in knots and guilty my husband may not be able to deal with some crazy situation that arises?

Although he has been 100% supportive and helpful I couldn’t survive without his help. We are hoping once some of the eyesight is restored maybe the mental status will improve but there is no guarantee to this. I can’t imagine alternate care as she would whither and die. Just staying with me has been a major feat for her. Can you give me any suggestions or words of wisdom for the road ahead?? I can’t believe how this has consumed our lives. I can almost see depression lurking around the corner. Thank you so much for any insight you may have.

Hi,

This is a consuming job! And, because it seems that nothing is working right, it’s hard to see that you have done so many things right. You’re working with her physician to find the combination of medications; you’re structuring activities, such as folding laundry, that encourage her independence; you’re doing your best to find help for her and your family.

It’s hard to estimate the upheaval, for lack of a better word, that happens when an aging relative moves in. It’s a huge change for all of you. The adjustment for all of you is a process; none of you will adjust over night, or within a month, or even within a year. Just when you feel you’ve adjusted to one situation, another comes along. You may find that what works now may not work when your grandmother returns home after surgery. It’s tough!

It is important to remember that this is a process. Focus on the most pressing issue that faces you today. From your message, it seems to be a struggle to carve out time for just you, your husband and your son. It’s unfortunate that the first sitter didn’t work out. But, don’t give up!

Try again, but make a few adjustments. For instance, maybe the sitter can come for an afternoon or evening when you’ll be home with your grandmother. Spend time with the aide, helping her understand how to best interact with your grandmother. Then, the next time the aide comes, perhaps you run a quick errand, leaving them alone for 30 minutes or so. Then, the next time, leave for a longer period of time, until you feel comfortable going out to dinner with your husband and son. And, consider using the sitter a few times a week so that you all can count on regular breaks.

If you use an agency to find a sitter, be sure to ask for the agency staff for suggestions and help to make the adjustment as smooth as possible for your grandmother.

It’s okay to make time spent with your husband and your son a priority–and it’s okay to try different services and/or sitters until you hit on the right one.

And, continue to work with her physician to find the right drug combination. As you know, drug interactions for the elderly can be somewhat tricky; finding the right dose and combination is an exercise in patience for all of you.
Your community may have programs and services that can help. Contact the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for the number of your local Area Agency on Aging. The agency can tell you about adult day centers your grandmother might attend after her surgery. The agency also may have other help available so that you and your husband have more assistance during the day.

Because your grandmother seems to have dementia, a call to your local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association might be a good idea. The chapter will have lots of information about managing her behavior. In addition, the staff can tell you its hotline that you (and your husband) can call if you need some suggestions on managing her behavior.

We developed a Mission Statement for Family Caregivers that you might find helpful to review. The mission statement helps you to prioritize and reflect on your caregiving responsibilities. You can read it here.

We do have online support groups through which the members communicate via e-mail messages. We have a group for family caregivers raising children, as well as a general group for family caregivers. If you’d like to try any of our groups, please let me know. It does help to know you’re not alone!

Finally, be sure to enjoy where you live; you are surrounded by such natural beauty. Spending time in nature’s beauty (even if only five minutes a day) may just the relaxing break you need.

Hang in there!

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

My mother and dad have been taking care of my disabled brother for almost 9 years. She is 76, he is 81. My mother has several serious health issues, heart, high B.P., and diabetes. She had a T.I.A. two years ago and is on blood thinners. Mom (who was an RN) refuses to hire adequate nurses and aides to take care of my brother and now, herself.

She could easily afford it. She just hopes that one night she will just go to sleep and die. Dad doesn’t help much. They have never had respite care all this time. I have tried to help but my health began to suffer because they wanted me to do everything that they have done.

My parents don’t let my brother make any decisions for himself. I think this has become a huge mess that won’t stop until someone dies. Any suggestions?

Hello,

Oh, what a heart-breaking situation!

I wonder if your mom is so worried about what will happen to your  brother after she dies that she’s literally killing herself in the process. Perhaps she’s so worried about what to do that she thinks death is her only escape from her anxiety. A few ideas:

• Share your concerns with your mom. Tell her you worry about her, that you want her to be a part of your life for a very, very long time. Ask how you can help her (but set your limits and boundaries) so that she can take care of herself. A big part of helping her is getting help—you can’t do it all. You can tell your mom: “I want to help, but I need help in order to help. Let’s try a few things (professional caregiver, transportation services, Personal Emergency Response) and see which ones work.” And, ask her what her worries/anxieties are about your brother’s future. Assure her that you want what’s best for your brother and you can help plan for his future care.

• Call the Area Agency on Aging in your area (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116). The agency should have a social worker on staff who can help. Explain your situation and your concerns about your mom. Ask for suggestions on intervening to help your mom. Ask if the social worker can meet with you and your parents to discuss options for ensure your brother will be receive the care he needs in the future.

• It seems that your mom is so overwhelmed and consumed by her caregiving that she has lost her perspective. She also may be suffering from depression. As soon as you can, take her to her physician. Be sure to share your concerns with her physician that your mom may be depressed. And, ask the doctor for help in convincing your mom that she’s a great mother—and will continue to be one when she accepts helps.  Others, such as paid professionals that she oversees, should help. Your mom may be more receptive to getting help if her doctor “orders” it. Having help, and a break, may help your mom feel better about decisions she’s facing.

• Consider who else has any pull with your mom (pastor, rabbi, priest, for instance) and to whom she will listen. The message to her encourages her to take care of herself in order to be a good wife and mother to you and assures her that accepting help still means she’s a loving, caring mother to your brother.

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

The basis of my question is this: How do you coax a very headstrong someone who’s aging, has Alzheimer’s and can no longer take care of themselves into a nursing home? Details below.

A couple of years ago my mother was forced to move in with her mother as it was thought my grandma had a terminal disease. This was difficult, especially for my mom, who has never been close to her mother. They bicker and fight about everything, like my grandmother’s unwillingness to take a bath or asking my mom questions over and over. My mom goes ballistic and while I tell her she should try and ignore these things, she seems incapable. My mom goes to a support group consisting of others in similar situations, but she doesn’t have a clue about resources or her rights as a caregiver and my grandmother’s power of attorney appointee.

A couple of years have passed and it turns out that my grandmother, who’s 90, doesn’t have the disease she was diagnosed with. So my mom feels like she got a “life sentence” – my grandmother’s condition has actually been improving, no doubt with some help from my mom who cooks her healthy food, etc. To complicate matters, Alzheimer’s is slowly but surely descending on my grandmother and, as she’s a very egotistical and headstrong personality, she’s in denial about it (which I’ve heard is typical).

Now I guess she’s exhibiting what they call “sundowner’s” as she becomes incredibly active and alert at night and wants to search for her checkbook in the garage in the middle of the night, even if it means going out on an icy sidewalk to get there. My mom can’t get any sleep with grandma roaming around. Last year she tripped over her oxygen tube and fell on her hand, which she can no longer use and which can’t be operated on.

My grandmother absolutely refuses to be put in a nursing home and has even walked out of one after she had broken her hand.

This situation is killing my mom. I’m going to visit home in a couple of weeks and she’s expecting me to help her get my grandma into a home. It sounds impossible.

Grandma will likely “disown” us as she has threatened to do so many times in the past. But we may have to take that chance.

Any suggestions/strategies/resources are welcome!

Hello,

What an incredibly upsetting and stressful situation for all of you! Consider this a process of several steps, concentrating on one step at a time.

First, it’s critical that your grandmother get to a geriatrician who can offer a correct diagnosis. Call the Area Agency on Aging at 1-800-677-1116; the staff can provide a list of geriatricians in your mom’s area. Check with your mom about availability, then make an appointment for your grandmother during your trip home. Plan on all three of you attending the appointment. The geriatrician and his/her staff can help you and your mom determine the best place for your grandmother.

Second, call the Alzheimer’s Association hotline at 1-800-272-3900 and explain your situation. Ask for guidance that you can offer your mom. Then, share what you’ve learned, as well as the hotline number, with your mom; encourage her to call as often as she needs. Another assocation, Alzheimer’s Foundation of America, has a hotline that’s another terrific resource for your mom: 1-866-AFA-8484.

Third, consider hiring a geriatric care manager who can visit your mom and your grandmother in their home during the next few days. The geriatric care manager can assess the situation and make recommendations to both you and your mom. Be sure to ask the care manager to call you after meeting with your mom and your grandmother. You’ll want to be able to ask her questions about the situation and gather information about her recommendations about services and programs that can help.  You also can learn more about a geriatric care manager (as well as search for one in your mom’s area) here: www.caremanager.org. The care manager also can help sort through the other important components of your grandmother’s care, including power of attorney.

If at any time during your process, you run into a brick wall, ask for suggestions on who else can help you.

Finally, this situation is about what’s best for your grandmother and your mother. Is your grandmother safe in at home? Is your mom able to manage the difficult and demanding care needs of an older adult? It’s imperative to think about this situation objectively. Your grandmother’s threats are threats from someone who is not well. Let your knowledge of what truly is best for her be your only guide. Your grandmother may seem to be impossible, but the situation is not. Be steadfast in your belief that you are taking the right actions and making the right decisions–because you
are.

Hope this helps!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.