Julie shared a process to help you get through the house: Start in the attic, then move to the closets with clothing, then to the kitchen cabinets. End your clean sweep in the garage and then the basement. Sort the stuff into four piles you’ve created: Discarded, donated, sold and kept.

Julie offered these final three tips:

1. If it’s not too late, avoid the daunting task of cleaning out a caree’s home on your own (and making decisions about stuff on your own) by talking with your carees now about their stuff.

2. Get help from professionals, especially appraisers, so you can make informed decisions about what gets tossed, what gets sold and what gets donated.

3. When you’re cleaning out a caree’s house, do everything you can not to fight (with your caree and with other family members).

Julie will re-join us for a follow-up episode on September 22 at 2 p.m. CT to help us do what sounds impossible: Not fight!

If you’ve cleaned out your caree’s stuff, what tips can you suggest that helped?

During our discussion, we shared ways you can work your money, rather than work your worry about money. Ellen encouraged us to stop the struggle we create when what our life (and how money relates to our life) isn’t what we think it should be. When we focus on the reality, rather than fret over the lost expectations, we can minimize our stress.

Create a Spending Plan, Ellen suggests, so you can reassess and then readjust your money flow. Set a goal of having six to 12 months of a cash cushion. And, express gratitude about your financial situation and the power you have to make it what you want.

To help you, Ellen suggested the following resources:

The Savage Number by Terry Savage

Why Good Things Happen to Good People by Stephen Post

And, I added:

When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner

The Lord Is My Shepherd, The Healing Wisdom of the Twenty-Third Psalm by Rabbi Harold Kushner

(Editor’s Note: With Earl heading for the East Coast, take time to plan so you and your caree remain safe. The Centers for Disease Control has information about preparing for hurricanes here. If your caree resides in a facility, be sure to check with facility about its evacuation plan and how you can prepare.)

Related Articles

• Money, Stuff and Happiness (caregiving.com)
• The Chemistry of Happiness (caregiving.com)
• Vacation Talk (caregiving.com)

And, you can listen to Table Talk, which aired this morning, via the player at the bottom of the post. Today, I answered three questions for you: If my caree isn’t happy, have I failed? Do I fit? And, how much do I share?

Enjoy!!

Resources

• Limits make the way; learn yours in our Caregiving Classes.
• Join our Happiness Project.
• Share your knowledge base through our Council of Caregivers.
• Come to Chicago in November for our First Annual Caregiving Conference.

Related Articles

• The Chemistry of Happiness (caregiving.com)
• Forcing the Issue (caregiving.com)
• Talking Hope (caregiving.com)
• Talking with Katie (caregiving.com)

1. I’ve been through so many home health aides! I need to find good help for my mom so I can go to work. I’ve had lazy aides, incompetent aides and aides with an attitude. Is it possible to find good help?

2. I want to keep my wife’s activity level and strength at the highest level possible. I have her participate in a few therapy sessions each week. The sessions exhaust her though! She’s exhausted the day after, as well. Am I pushing her too hard? I’m just not sure when to push and when to back off.

3. I’m just beginning to care for my father-in-law with Alzheimer’s. A sister-in-law told me that I should prepare for the day when my father-in-law can no longer live at home. I’m a bit upset thinking about this. Do you think it’s possible to care for someone with Alzheimer’s at home until they die?

And, here’s a link to the resource Nancy mentions in answering the last question:Coach Broyles’ Playbook for Alzheimer’s Caregivers

Related Articles

• When… Did You Know Your Caree Could No Longer Live Alone? (caregiving.com)
• Tell Us: How Do You Describe Your Caregiving Role? (caregiving.com)
• Come to Our First Annual Caregiving Conference! (caregiving.com)
• The Five Qualities of a Stellar Family Caregiver (caregiving.com)

Elizabeth shared research which shows that we about 40% of our happiness is within our control. Our genetics and our circumstances affect the other 60%.

So, how do we make the most of the 40%? Elizabeth shared some suggestions:

1. Set goals which shoot to change a mindset or perspective or behavior for the better.

2. Make your happiness a priority.

3. Let go of “conditional” happiness, i,e., believing you can have happiness only if (you have money, you have a big house, you have really great family members).

4. Take charge of your happiness; avoid letting others determine whether or not you have a good day (or a good life).

5. Be confident. Belief in yourself. You have the power to make positive changes in your life.

After you’d had a chance to listen to the show, please feel free to share any feedback or insights.

Resources

• During our show, Elizabeth indicated she could not find research that addresses the challenge of being happy during a caregiving experience. Hurray for us because we’ve got a research project about caregiving and happiness under way! Join us–you’ll help us learn how we increase happiness during a difficult time. The Caregiving Happiness Project will help you set goals which can change your perspective.
• On Saturday on Table Talk at 9 a.m CT, we’ll discuss this question: If my caree is not happy, does that mean I’ve failed in my caregiving role?

Related Articles

• Happy for Others (caregiving.com)
• Forcing the Issue (caregiving.com)

We began our discussion with Anna Stookey, who joins us monthly to keep us in a good emotional space, with a description of grief. When we grieve, we feel a despair, a loss of interest, a change in our eating and sleeping patterns. And, we can be plagued by questions such as, Who am I? What has happened to my life? What is the meaning of my life?

I find great comfort in knowing that we all ask ourselves these questions during tough times. The difficulty of these questions is they can separate us from others, isolate us further into pain. The wonder of these questions is that they can lead us to amazing answers.

And, there’s the rub: Do we take away the questions through treatments like anti-depressants?

Anna had an interesting perspective: “Brains and psyches are not like a broken leg,” she said. Our emotional fix is much more complicated that putting a cast on a foot.

In a caregiving situation, you may feel like grief is ever-present. And, it may be one reason you dread the day: How in the world can you face another day feeling this bad?

Certainly, professional help can be a huge resource and anchor for you during the times you feel yourself float away. Therapists as well as caregiving and grieving coaches can help you develop coping skills. Support groups can be that safe place for venting and feeling.

Anna reminded us the importance of feeling those difficult emotions, rather than pushing them away. When we try to keep them in, they end up coming out in ways we wish they didn’t. (Read: Sigh. If Only It Was Just Vomit)

But, it’s exhausting to feel so deeply and so sadly every day. Anna suggested we look for containers to put those difficult emotions. A container may be 15 minutes at the start of the day; during those 15 minutes, you feel bad. And, then at minute 16, you move on. A container may be your weekly session with a therapist or counselor; you acknowledge the difficult emotion and then say, “I’m going to talk with (your therapist or coach) about this on Monday.” A container may be your support group or your journal.

We ended our discussion with the question: What does it look like on the other side of emotional pain? Anna gave us a glimpse.

What does it look like for you?

Related Articles

• Do We Need to Feel Those Hard Feelings? (caregiving.com)
• Embracing the Differences (caregiving.com)
• Five Traits of Well-Being (caregiving.com)
• Recovering from SSS and Facing Our Fears (caregiving.com)
• Are We Trapped By Gender? (caregiving.com)

So, what will do you today for yourself so you can enjoy happiness? I look forward to hearing from you in our comments section.

Program Note: Our next show is Monday at 9:30 a.m. CT. We’ll tackle the question: Is emotional pain necessary?

Related Articles

• Talking with Katie (caregiving.com)
• Talking Hope (caregiving.com)
• The Five Qualities of a Stellar Family Caregiver (caregiving.com)

An entry from a caregiving gardener submitted to our Facebook Fan Page garden contest, held in May.

This morning’s episode of Your Caregiving Journey reminded me of Donna Baldwin, one of our 1999 Caregiver of the Year award winners. In her story, Donna spoke about her new-found green thumb, grown after she began caring for her mom. I wrote:

Donna Baldwin readily admits to this: Fourteen years ago, she couldn’t keep a plant in her home alive. So, she filled her home with plastic plants.

Now, only one plastic plant adorns her home, serving as a reminder of what was. A little over thirteen years ago, Donna’s mother moved into her home, joined her husband and their two sons, then nine and 16-years-old. And, since then, Donna has had live plants in her home, all of which have flourished.

Connie Goldman, author of two great books (“The Gifts of Caregiving, Stories of Hardship, Hope and Healing” and “Tending the Earth, Mending the Spirit, The Healing Gifts of Gardening”) joined us this morning to discuss how the gifts of gardening can heal the heartache of caregiving. (You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of this post.)

Connie shared some wonderful insights:

• Gardening creates a deepening of concentration and focus;

• Surrounding your caree with plants and flowers provides them an opportunity to enjoy nature;

• In a garden, you can be alone to touch the earth and yet feel so connected to others;

• Gardeners save our earth because you can never harm what you treasure.

Connie says she wrote her book about gardening because she wanted to learn the answer to this question: What grows inside you because you grow?

So, to all the caregiving gardeners in our midst, we ask the same question: What grows inside you because you grow?

Program Note:

• Your Caregiving Journey airs again next Saturday, August 14, at 9 a.m. CT. Sharon, who cares for her husband, will join us to share her caregiving story.
• Connie’s most recent book, “Who Am I … Now That I’m Not Who I Was? Conversations with women in mid-life and the years beyond” will be our November Caregiving book club pick.

It was a fascinating 30 minutes. You can listen to our discussion via the player at the bottom of the post.

During our discussion, Lauri interpreted the dream Miss R wrote about last April. You’ll find the meaning of her dream quite telling.

Dreams, it seems, are an important indicator of how well we’re taking care of ourselves. They warn us, pick us up and point us in the right direction. They are our self-care compass.

Our dreams, which can become nightmares if we neglect their message, provide a commentary of our days. It’s our intuition at work. And, that’s why when we take the time to listen to our dreams, we can keep on our life’s right and healthy path.

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• Truth and Dare (caregiving.com)

1. The name of patient.

2. The date of service.

3. The provider’s name (or company).

4. The description of service.

5. The amount billed to the provider.

6. The allowed amount.

7. The amount not covered.

8. The remarks (details how the claim was processed, what was paid, not paid).

If you uncover any errors, contact the insurance company or provider (depending on the error) as soon as possible. As Sheri reminds us every month, be proactive about any questions or concerns you have about insurance coverage and bills. You’ll save yourself time, money and frustration.

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