Certainly, we can gain by working on our weaknesses.

What if, though, we looked at our strengths and said: This is working really well for me. And, thinking about this strength will be my priority.

For instance, perhaps you have an incredible ability to find solutions. So, you focus on just that. Or, you have an uncanny ability to wake up every morning with hope. So, that’s where your mind stays–on how hopeful you are. Or, maybe you can manage a budget in such a way that the numbers look like a bouquet of flowers—your budget is simply beautiful. So, that’s what you remember—a balanced budget.

So… What’s your strength? And, more importantly, how will you keep your focus today on that strength?

Related Articles

• Flower (caregiving.com)
• Scenery (caregiving.com)

The family caregiver kept a bag packed with toiletries and change of clothes ready to go in case her caree was suddenly hospitalized. This way, she arrived at the hospital with her bag, ready to stay as long as needed. She could, if necessary, easily settle in to her caree’s hospital room to ensure proper care.

Some suggested items to pack in your hospital bag:

–Pair of pajamas

–Change of clothes, including a few pairs of underwear

–Toothbrush, toothpaste and other personal care items you’ll need

–Your medications

–Phone numbers of family members and friends

–A copy of your caree’s Power of Attorney for Health Care and Finances

–Contact information for your caree’s physician(s)

–A list of your caree’s current medications

–A favorite book or magazine

–Notepad and pen so you can take notes when doctors and other health care professionals make visits

What did I miss? Please feel free to share your suggestions in our comment section.

Resources

• 10 Steps to Ensure a Successful Emergency Room Visit
• What’s Your Hospital Discharge Horror Story

• Either I put my needs second or my caree doesn’t have his needs met.
• Either I stay with my caree constantly or bad things will happen.
• Either I put my life on hold or my caree will not have what he needs when he needs it.

Thinking these statements is much different than reading them. When you think them, they may seem to make sense. Because you worry about your caree and because you understand your caree’s complicated care needs, it’s easy to understand why these thoughts seem to make sense.

But, when you read them, they seem insane. With these thoughts, you put qualifiers on caregiving, that all hangs on you; you control the outcomes, the results. Oh, my, that’s a heavy burden to bear. And, truly, how much of a disease process can you really control? 

Not much.

Consider how you can move from “either…or” to “and.” With “and” in the mix, your thoughts may be like this: 

• I can take time for myself to pursue my own interests and my caree will be okay.
• I can make myself a priority and my caree’s care needs will be met.
• I can set boundaries in my relationship with my caree and we both will better because of it.

These statements, when both thought and read, sound loving, kind and respectful—thoughts deserving of you. It is possible to have both—times when you become the priority and your caree still receives quality care.

Do you get caught in the “either…or” mindset? How can you move toward adding “can?”

• The first video, Tips for Making a Hospital to Home Transition, provides insights and expert guidance on important issues caregivers need to plan for, and manage, when bringing a caree back home from the hospital. It offers advice on maintaining effective dialogues with health care providers, preparing the home for new equipment needs, planning for additional expenses, and more.

• The second video highlights a detailed checklist, Planning for your Discharge Guide, which CMS developed to help you as plan to care for your caree at home.

Visit the Ask Medicare web site at www.medicare.gov/caregivers for additional resources and information.

Related Articles

• The 6 Myths of Caregiving (caregiving.com)
• The Indelicate Topic (caregiving.com)
• Holding an Effective Family Meeting (caregiving.com)

Sue decides to start a home show business (selling products through home shows hosted by friends). She can work when she wants—and make good money when she does.

In her business, Sue reports to a director, a friend of a friend, is training her on how to run her business. The director has called a meeting for Monday night; Sue agrees to attend. But, on Monday, nothing went right: Her oldest came home from school with the flu, her father had a particularly confusing day and her husband called to say he wouldn’t be home until 8 p.m. Sue had to be at her meeting at 7 p.m.

At 6:15 p.m., Sue decides that tonight just isn’t a good night for her to go to a meeting. She’s committed to her business, but… it just isn’t a good night to leave.

After calling her director to let her know she can’t make the meeting, Sue feels awful. She worries if her director will question her commitment, if she has her priorities in the right place, if she was wimpy for wanting to stay home.

The next day, Sue wakes up and thinks: I’m not going to beat myself up about these decisions anymore. I do my best. That’s all I can. And, if my schedule changes because my situations at home change, that’s okay. That’s why I started this business—so I could be available for my family when they needed me. And, that’s why I’ll continue with this business—because it will allow me to do so.

“My mother has lived with me for 35 years. About a year ago, Mother became increasingly confused, needing more supervision and care. I’m trying to find some resources and options for her.”

The support group members, always anxious to help a new caregiver in need, began offering tips and suggestions. To every suggestion, Beth said:

“No, my mother won’t try that.”

Or:

“I’ve looked into those adult day centers–I’ve never found one I’ve liked.”

Or:

“That won’t work.”

Or:

“She won’t agree to something like that.”

Then, the members began sharing some of their stories about caregiving, what they tried, what worked for them, what didn’t, how they coped, what they learned. At the end of the meeting, Beth said softly to Jean: “As I’m sitting here, listening to you guys talk, I’m realizing, I just don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this at all.”

In Sue’s case, she worried about turning her back on a commitment, even though she had several good reasons, because she didn’t want to look bad as she starts her new career. For Sue, saying “No” was probably new to her, which is why she felt so guilty when she said, “No, I can’t make the meeting tonight after all.” For Sue, it would be important to remember that saying “No” is always an option—and in many cases, it’s the best option.

In Beth’s case, it seemed that she hid behind her “No’s.” Her refusals of suggestions gave her good reason not to try something—which really became her passive way of saying: “I don’t want to do this!”

It’s interesting to note that sometimes we use “No” as an indirect way of making a situation impossible for us to manage because we refute any possible solutions. Beth hid behind her refusals to look at various options of help in the community, although eventually she realized that her refusal to try services was really her way of saying, “I’m not up to caring for Mom in my home.” And, that’s okay. I often remind caregivers: Your role is to provide a safe environment and appropriate care—whether that be in your home, your care recipient’s home, or the nursing home.

Keep “No” in your vocabulary. But if you find yourself saying “No” to all offers of help, look beyond the “No.” Are you afraid of trying something new? Of failing? Of having to pick up the pieces? Or continuing to be involved in a situation that just doesn’t work for you?

Be sure not to hide behind your “No’s;” be honest about your limitations and your expectations. It’s best for everyone—you, your care recipient and your family. And, it truly will simplify your life.

Related Articles

• When You Want to Walk, How to Stay (caregiving.com)
• Report Released Today Says You’re in Good Company (caregiving.com)
• When Starting Over Seems Like a Daily Duty, 10 Steps to a New Beginning (caregiving.com)

Today, on Table Talk, we tackled some of the top reasons you may feel like walking and then offered some suggestions we hope makes it easier to stay. (You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of the post.)

Reason to walk: I’m tired and overwhelmed.
Suggested solutions so you can stay:
1. Consider short-term respite stays. Your local nursing homes and assisted living facilities will offer short-term stays for your career, some even as short as a weekend. Having a Saturday and Sunday to rest may be just what you need. To find local facilities, visit our directory.
2. Call in the reserves. (See Your Truth and Your Team.) Ask for help so you can take a break, even if for 30 minutes, so you can just be. (Our meditations may help, too.)

Reason to walk: I have no idea how to make it better.
Suggested solutions so you can stay:
1. Let go. Perhaps this is not for you fix; perhaps it’s just for you to be in partnership with your caree.
2. Determine what’s stumped you. Write it down. Then, write down who can help or who can lead you to help. You can find resources to help with incontinence care here and here.

Reason to walk: I don’t feel appreciated/my caree seems ungrateful.
Suggested solutions so you can stay:
1. Vent to your support system. Call a friend, send a note to our online support groups. Share your frustration so you can be free of it.

Reason to walk: My family second guesses me.
Suggested solution so you can stay:
1. Never explain and never complain but listen as objectively as you can. (Remember: This isn’t about you.) Then, respond: I understand your position, but given the information and options that I had, this was the best decision.

Related articles

• Ask Denise: How Do We Find the Right Facility? (caregiving.com)
• The 6 Myths of Caregiving (caregiving.com)
• Stay Home: Resources to Get a Break Right Where You Are
• Does Caregiving Cause Withdrawal
• Battling Family Members: Is It Worth Your Energy?
• Some Days…
• Keeping Caregiving Safe
• Journaling 101

Liz has a debate going on in her head and a torment going on in her heart.

It’s been a bad day. And, not for any particular reason that Liz can pinpoint. It could be that her youngest will turn 10 soon. Or that next week her mom will be living with them for three years. Or that her husband will leave for another week-long business trip in a few days. Or it could be all three.

It’s been a day that’s kept her eyes full of tears.

Now, it’s 7 p.m. Liz should leave for her book club meeting in a few moments. She loves her monthly book club meeting; she usually can’t wait to leave. But, leaving for a book club means opening up the possibility that the very nice librarian who runs the book club will say: “Liz, is everything okay?”

How in the world do I respond without just sobbing, Liz thinks.

On those bad days, do you stay in? Take a chance and go out?

A few suggestions as you consider what’s best for you:

1. Sometimes, a change of scenery can make a huge difference. The act of getting ready—a shower and fresh clothes—can help.

2. Focusing on another task or responsibility can take your mind off your sadness. And, sometimes, it’s a nice break to think about something else.

3. The worry over how to answer the simple question, “Are you okay?”, may make you think twice about leaving the house. Having a ready answer may help you feel like you can be in control. “I’m struggling today,” you can explain, “but I want to take my mind off that and it’s important for me to be here.” Then, take a deep breath and say, “Thank you. I’m feeling better already.” (Our series of articles, “Getting Out and Socializing” has more ideas about answering questions about caregiving.)

4. Call a good friend. Let it out. Explain that you have an important engagement you’d like to attend but you’re not feeling up to it. Then, just talk it out.

5. Write it out. Write that you don’t feel well, that you worry about crying in front others, that you want to take some time for yourself and enjoy it but can’t convince yourself it’s possible. Write out the pros and cons of leaving the house. Sometimes, the pen can provide a perspective.

6. Consider: Tomorrow, what will you wish you would have done today? Thinking into your future can sometimes propel you forward in your present.

7. Allow yourself the freedom to go and then return home if it’s all just too much. If it does become too much, you can simply say, “I’m having a bad day today. I love being here which is why I came. But, I think I would do better at home. Thanks for understanding.” Leaving is absolutely okay. You know what’s best for you.

What other suggestions can you offer? And, how do you manage your bad days?

Related articles

• Remember Your Future (caregiving.com)
• Warm (caregiving.com)
• My Story: Looking Inside Depression (caregiving.com)

Image by Hamed Saber via Flickr

When you hit the pillow at 10 p.m. last night, you thought: I hope tomorrow will be better.

But, tonight, at 12:30 a.m., you think: This starting over every day is just killing me.

We often talk about the constant of caregiving—change. With change, comes its sister: Starting Over. Every day, you may feel like you’re starting over. You start over with different services as your care recipient’s health declines, as help burns-out and disappears, as your care recipient’s abilities lessen, as your patience wears thin, as funding for the programs you use dries up. Just when you feel like you’ve made progress, a change causes you to start over. It’s like yesterday’s accomplishments and successes were simply a dream.

So, how can you stay positive when starting over drains you faster than a family member’s insensitivity? We’ve got 10 suggestions:

1. Start your day with a routine that refreshes. Donna Ryan, one of our bloggers, starts her day with time for reflection. Other family caregivers start their day with a few moments to journal. Others start their day with prayer or meditation or devotion. Create a ritual that’s just right for you, that helps you find and keep your perspective. (We’ve recorded meditations for you; you can listen to them here.)

2. Live in the present. Fretting about the past and worrying about the future takes you out of what you can control: Today. Take one day at at time, focusing on today’s needs, planting seeds for tomorrow’s.

3. Express frustrations to a comforting support system. Caregiving can be so lonely, but it’s awful when you feel you must go it alone. Vent to a comforting support system that neither judges or “should’s” you. Let it out so you let it go. (You can learn about our online support groups here.)

4. Really and truly embrace forgiveness. Our talk show on forgiveness last week really convinced me that forgiveness must be part of our daily routine. (You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of this post.)

5. Take a daily temperature of your situation by asking these two questions: Do I have what I need? Does my care recipient have what he or she needs? Then, take action.

6. End the day by listing three gratitudes. Count your blessings because that’s how your blessings count. And, when you keep track, you keep building the blessings.

7. Practice your faith, whatever your faith may be. Faith in a Higher Power who has called you to a Greater Good adds meaning to an experience that spurs more questions than answers.

8. Enjoy the humor in the day. It’s funny. When it is, laugh. When you laugh, you show appreciation for an incredible gift we’re given: A sense of humor. Exercise it. (We share caregiving guffaws on Fridays; you can read them here.)

9. Keep in mind: This too shall pass. Oh, boy, it can seem like loss and darkness has settled in your home permanently. They may overstay their welcome, but they will be replaced by growth and light. They will.

10. Believe in yourself. It keeps everyone else believing. And, on those days when you just can’t believe all that’s happened or believe in your ability to manage it, know we believe in you. And, we don’t ever stop.

I think we’re in for it this weekend. When you’re not out shoveling, you find yourself inside staring at your four walls and your care recipient. Or, you may be staring at your phone, hoping your care recipient will be okay.

We’ve got some articles to help you weather the storm:

• Getting Help to Your Care Recipient When Bad Weather Gets in the Way

• When Housebound, Make In-House Activities Work for You

• Stay Home: Resources to Get a Break Right Where You Are

• These Four Walls

• Some Days… When the Bad Outnumber the Good

And, let us know: How do you weather your storms?

You may ask yourself that same question after losing patience with your care recipient, or letting a family member get your goat, or when you regain the weight you worked so hard to lose.

These situations can make you very, very unhappy. Seemingly, happiness is reserved for actors in a sitcom television show. It just doesn’t seem to show up in our living rooms.

We can develop habits that work against us; our own actions or attitude may be keeping happiness out of reach. Some suggestions to keep happiness closer:

• Keep yourself from doing it all: When you do it all, you rob others of the opportunity to grow as a result of caregiving; you rob your care recipient the opportunity to know independence and the success such independence breeds; and you rob yourself the opportunities to take time off and away from an exhausting role.

• Manage your expectations: Your only sibling consistently refuses to offer help, but you consistently ask him for help. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Let go of the idea that your sibling should help (maybe he should but he probably still won’t) and start asking others–neighbors, friends, social service agencies, members of your house of worship. Give up on your sibling but don’t give up in believing you will find the help you deserve.

• Understand your role: It’s hard to see your care recipient unhappy and because you can “fix” (think of how much you’ve already fixed), you’ll try to fix your care recipient’s state of unhappiness. But making someone happy, especially someone who can’t or won’t be happy, is an exercise in frustration. As a family caregiver, your role is to ensure that your care recipient is safe and receiving the needed care, treatments and services. But, it’s not your job to make your care recipient happy.

• Respect your reality: As a daughter, you may find providing personal care to your dad to be uncomfortable and upsetting. But, you do it anyway, but not well, resulting in your dad’s red bottom. Or, you’ve always wanted to please your spouse; it was impossible in the past, but perhaps now, when you’re needed to provide care, you can do it. Your gut often will show you the reality of your situation (that you need help with incontinence care, that martyrdom doesn’t win love). Listen to your gut and then make decisions based on the reality of your situations.

• Redefine your idea of happiness: In your youth, happiness may have seemed to be a red car, a gorgeous date and a cold pack of beer. As you grew older, happiness became a caring spouse, healthy children, a secure job. As a family caregiver, your idea of happiness has been revised again. Take some time to revisit your definition of happiness. When are you happy? And, how can you increase those moments of happiness?

In our comments section, be sure to share the moments of happiness you enjoy in your day.

Related articles

• Can You Be Successful in Your Caregiving Role? (caregiving.com)
• This Week, Set Your Intention (caregiving.com)