A Valentine’s Story

It was our second date. Friday, February 14, 1997. I was a senior in high school, he was a freshman at college. I had waited all day, thinking I would be called to the office to pick up flowers, like many of my friends. But, there were none. I was a little disappointed, but reminded myself that our first date was only a week ago. I shouldn’t expect flowers. We weren’t even, technically, dating. One date...

Another Emotional Day

Today was a hard day for me, emotionally. It started off well, with a parent-teacher conference at Carys’ school. That went smashingly well – she is doing fabulous! I couldn’t be more proud of her. She does need to work on her handwriting, which I fully expected. She rushes to get to the next thing and doesn’t really care if there are spaces between words or capital/lowercase letters sprinkled in a word. ...

Three Months

Three months ago today, Chad & I waited impatiently in a hospital MRI waiting room. We were nervous. We were cautious. We were hoping for answers. Three months ago today, Chad and I sat in a familiar examination room, lit with florescent bulbs and the rubbery smell of medical supplies. We waited for the MRI results, laughing about neurological tests and discussing lunch plans. We were nervous. We were...

Update from the Lanfords

Chad has had a relatively good week. Then, things changed. He’s sleeping almost all the time, refusing food, and isn’t interested in conversation or visitors. Here is my latest blog update. Since I posted this, Chad has been sleeping. He will open his eyes & look around, but there is minimal (if any) verbal response from him. While getting a sponge bath this morning (Sunday), he kept staring at the...

A Very Emotional Week!

I posted this on my blog late Monday night. I’m also posting something I shared today at the end. – I have started discussions with our hospice team to enroll Chad in full-time care at an outside facility. I have been in turmoil about this decision, but knew that our situation would probably come to this. This is, by far, the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. There are so many things to...

Dealing with Disease Progression

Chad’s health is declining rather quickly. He has had two falls in three days and has lost all mobility in his right arm and hand. His right leg drags when he walks and he has an increasingly hard time focusing on conversations. He has a difficult time with words; and he struggles to find the right ones to get his point across. Which frustrates him and makes him say hurtful things. And that frustrates me....

Traveling Coming to an End, Steroids Introduced & Increased

We’ve been traveling quite a bit since I last posted. (If you would like to see pictures, you can see them at http://thelanfords.com) The hospice team started Chad on steroids right before we left, in hopes of keeping the swelling down and improving his headaches. We took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge. Had a lot of fun, but Chad couldn’t really participate. I started to notice little things that were...

The Things We Cannot See

I posted this on our family blog today, and am too exhausted to post anything else. Just wanted to share. – As I type this, you are unable to see my broken heart. You are unable to see the cloud of uncertainty and dread around me. You are unable to see the waves of nausea I’ve been fighting since noon on Tuesday. You are unable to see the peace I feel, despite it all. Yesterday, in Winston-Salem, we...

The Return of IT

Almost two weeks ago, we visited Chad’s oncologist for a routine check-up. Bloodwork. Questions. Typical stuff; nothing out of the norm. Until the doctor asked if we had been contacted about Chad’s MRI and lab results from March. We had seen the neurosurgeon in early May (the same day as the scan, actually) and were told all was well. There was nothing to note in the MRI and his other labs and scans...

Longest Seizure to Date, Hospital Stay & Now Home!

Chad, Cailyn (my youngest daughter) & I were exhausted Tuesday afternoon. I laid down with Cailyn and fell asleep. I remember Chad getting up around 4:15, which is usual. Carys’ bus drops her off anywhere between 4:30 and 5pm, so he takes a stroll down our street until the bus decided to show up. I glanced at the clock and scolded myself for falling asleep when I had so much to do. But then close my eyes...

Weight Lifting

I posted this on my personal blog this week and thought I would share here as well. Have a great weekend! Did you know I was a weight lifter? I am. Seriously. You can stop snickering now… Yea, yea. I know you’re thinking, “She sure doesn’t look like a weight lifter…” Well. I don’t lift traditional weights. Since August 4, 2001, I have been lifting the marriage weight. And man, is that ever tough...

Changing Careers

Today was a lot like most days. But it was also a bit different. Chad changed careers, so to speak. After picking our youngest daughter up from preschool, Chad and I ventured to his office. He cleaned out his cubicle and turned in his ID badge. We had been discussing it for a while, and he decided he had put it off long enough. A few friends helped him box up everything from his career in civil engineering. Those...

Unspoken Languages

Chad & I have this unspoken language between us. For example, when we were housebreaking our sweet little leaky puppy (long before we had to housebreak our sweet little leaky kids),we would just give each other a look. We each knew we wanted to scream,”THERE HAVE BEEN NO ACCIDENTS TODAY! SHE DIDN’T PEE ON THE FLOOR TODAY!” Yet, we knew the instant we birthed the words from our mouths, that sweet little...

Frustrated and Hangin’ On

A few weeks ago, I accomplished something I never hoped to. Especially at the age of 30. I completed Chad’s Social Security paperwork. (Insert audience applause and cue “Eye of the Tiger”) Not only is it complete, but I actually submitted it, folks! I had to print eleven copies of medical release forms — because the SSA (Social Security Administration) wants to send them to each doctor, clinic or hospital...

As the Year Ends

This post was originally about something else. But it quickly morphed into several different topics; a stream of consciousness I guess. And I’m just going to go with it. Apparently, I have a lot on my mind… The end of this year has been very hard for me. I’m not sure exactly what it is. I felt it was just me, or just our family, that was having a hard time transitioning to the holidays. It...

What IT looks like 2 years later

My husband and I ventured out to see his neurosurgeon again last week. It’s a two-hour drive for us, so we joke that we should move closer to the hospital to save gas. The trip was to re-evaluate the setting on Chad’s shunt. We did, as we suspected, have to go down to the final setting. None of us are optimistic that the lower setting will help him feel better. It’s been a few days and he still...

The seasons of our lives

I love that the weather is changing. To see the spastic little squirrels gathering, the leaves gradually changing, and the frost in the grass is inspiring. It feels freeing. It does something good for my soul. It’s all symbolic to me and I feel more connected knowing that the earth keeps on spinning and providing; just like my role as a caregiver. Seasons provide change; change that is beyond my control....

Learning to Accept Help

A healthy life is a life of balance; including the ability to give and receive. When I first started my caregiving journey, one of the hardest things to accept was HELP. So many people in our lives wanted to help. I definitely needed the help. But, like so many people, I didn’t know how to ask. And I didn’t know how to accept help when it was given; I felt guilty. And I didn’t even know what I...

Diasppointed, but not defeated

My husband had his MRI last Wednesday at 11:30 in the morning. Imagine my surprise when I received a call from his oncologist two hours later with the results! I immediately thought the worst when I heard the oncologist’s voice. Why would he be calling so immediately? They always make us wait a week or so before they divulge the results. Before I share the results with you, let me just say that we also went...

“In Sickness and In Health”

When I spoke my wedding vows nearly eight years ago, I meant every word. Little did I know how much I would mean them in the years that followed. Chad and I met at daycare in our small town. My mom and I had moved there the Summer before I started first grade, and I didn’t know anyone. I thought he was nice – in the way that every little girl thinks boys are nice — until they turn about 13. His...