for mom’s pastor

Mom’s memorial service is this weekend, and my mom’s pastor who’s known her forever asked me to tell him more about her so he can get a greater sense of who she was with family. Hmmm. Ordinary request, ya? How do I tell him….Do I even bother to tell him—what she was really like? How could I be sincere and honest, yet respectful of both her and me and objective about the big picture of...

Back to life…

Back to life… Back to reality…I bet you didn’t know who sang those lyrics, but you had heard the song. Yes? It was Soul II Soul. Not that it matters! So–I am sure you have felt those sentiments. After a vacation, back to work on a Monday morning. Usually it’s a bittersweet thing. You may be glad to be back home, to sleep in your own bed and get back to your normal routines, but...

my mom’s passing

On Sunday evening, around 8:45 pm, I was holding her hand, telling her how much everyone loved her, saying the Lord’s prayer as she took her last breaths. She was in her (our) home, and she had received medication to relieve pain and anxiety. She had a heart attack, after a long stay in the ICU with a COPD exacerbation. I will write more as I can.

the caregiving olympics

Hi everyone– I think I’ve just been entered into the Caregiving Olympics. Not as the speed skater or some other super onerous endurance event, but maybe more like curling? Curling is more lightweight, more bizarre. Dunno. My mom is now in Hospice. In my home. With me as the primary caregiver. !!! I have been so angry–about this whole thing. Feeling like a slave, or a roach in a roach motel. I am...

what level of hell is this?

My friend Ben always asks this question in jest, and it’s hilarious when he says it. When I’m just fried like a hot potato, I like to make myself laugh, thinking of Ben saying this. But, seriously, today, WTF!!! Mom is still in ICU, on and off the non-invasive ventilator, having gotten off the ‘tubes’ yesterday. (or the day before? all the days run together…) I know she’s feeling...

am I actually a slave?

Not a person? (For anyone of color, please forgive the slavery reference if it is a difficult subject, tho, remember, human slavery has happened throughout history in many cultures and still goes on today, even in the United States…abjectly horrifying) (For anyone else who may just generally be offended by my comparing Caregiving to slavery, please accept my apologies…I am not seeking to inflame, I just...

Such an insult

Hi – Mom was released from the hospital last night. The whole trip was so stupid. She just wouldn’t ride in my car to a follow-up doctor’s appointment, and insisted on going to the ER in an ambulance. I don’t necessarily know how it feels to be her, so I didn’t know if this was an ‘emergency’ or not. All I knew was she had to be seen about this volumous incontinence that...

Can you point me in the right direction?

Everyone – OK–I need your help–please read this description of my mom’s condition and help me answer the questions at the end: My mom’s cognition has rapidly changed for the worst since March 25th, and she has been completely and totally incontinent since May 19th. I’ve visited her family doc and her geriatric psychiatrist, and we’re beginning the process of figuring out...

Well, now we know for sure.

My mom was diagnosed with Dementia today. (Actually yesterday, it’s now the middle of the night, and I’ve had insomnia for 2 days) From what I can tell, she’s in the mild to moderate stages. We are going to see her Geriatric Psychiatrist later today for next steps. I guess she has Functional Incontinence. That’s when you’re not fast enough or don’t understand that the sensation...

Torrents of tinkle

Hi y’all– Oh, wow, it’s been so much to learn about verbal and emotional abuse. I have a million thoughts at the same time. It’s hard to verbalize coherently. It has so many implications, and I hope to be able to clearly articulate it all at some point. In the meantime–wow, what a torrent, OF TINKLE! Anyone who’s had dogs or young children has experience dealing with human...

Defining Reality

My mom is verbally abusive, according to the descriptions offered by these 5 professionals. Reading these books feels like someone gave me the keys to a very difficult puzzle. Like I could have spared myself YEARS of anguish and failure if someone had let me in on ‘the secret’ in my early 20s. I guess I should be grateful to have the information on how to handle these situations, instead of continuing to...

Which Is She?

How do I know if my mom is truly, objectively deliberately verbally abusive, or just out of control pathetic, paranoid and delusional? What a crazy question even to ask! Even to THINK! Let alone admit in a public forum. Nevertheless, I needed to know the answer. Would these books yield any insight? Oh, one thing I forgot to say in the last post is that she ignores every request I make of her out of hand. “Mom,...

Is She Verbally Abusive?

Is my mom truly verbally abusive as I have often suspected? My internal dialogue goes something like this: Yadda, yadda. How fashionable to lob the abusive allegation against someone these days. Dr. Phil, Oprah, it is literally everywhere. Isn’t everyone abused at some point? It’s almost blasé–it’s so commonplace. And, at the same time, do not bandy accusations about willy-nilly. It’s still a serious...

Can I Have a Life with No Regrets?

What would it be like to live with no regrets? When I first thought of this, it seemed like the answer was the same as the answer to the question, “What is possible in my relationship with my mother?” …A transactional relationship, with me setting limits if I’m attacked, demonstrating emotional restraint and responsibility, and providing nothing to react to. And giving the rest to God to get back a ton of...

I Guess I Do

On how I do love my mother: Given that it’s not healthy to be enmeshed with someone who does not respect any boundaries or possible to truly connect with someone who is not emotionally mature and developed enough to have a healthy intimacy, feeling the love has definitely been a challenge for me. On reflection, I do know that I… Often think in terms of what is best for her Think about creating her experience...

So, what IS possible? then…

What is possible in my relationship with my mom? I like possibilities. I like thinking outside the box. It motivates me. I like to feel like there are options, possibly new things I hadn’t considered. So, I dove right into thinking about this when Denise asked me to. First, I thought about what my mom wanted from our relationship and what I wanted from the relationship. If she had what she wanted it would be…no...

Turtled Up in Tara-Land

Everyone, I have learned so much in recent weeks, it’s taken me a bit to be able to digest it and be able to write coherently about it. There is literally so much to say, I almost feel speechless, if that makes any sense. I am breaking down this huge monolithic exploration of ideas into short bursts that are easy to read. Here is post #1, that I didn’t finish until just now, but started around April 1st....

When does it get to be over?

In the last few days (weeks?) I’ve thought a lot about the idea of learned helplessness, and it’s cousin—secondary gain [the side benefits people derive from their illnesses like attention, catering, and a reason to not have to take responsibility]. And, I’m repulsed. I’m repulsed to recognize these qualities in myself in past situations – mostly career things — and repulsed to recognize them in...

the responsibility of living

Living in DC, there is only one radio station: NPR. (Unless you like gospel, country & western, soul, r&b, religious talk or latin–and I don’t!) OK, so maybe there’s just no Top 40 or college radio where I am. OK–whatever! So–given that there is only one radio station–NPR, that’s all I listen to now. And that’s where I get all of my information these days....

learned helplessness

Yesterday my best friend from 8th grade came over and we had the most interesting conversation. She has 2 little girls with mental retardation, and so, though the specifics of caregiving are different, there are some areas of overlap too. She’s been at this caregiving gig a lot longer than me–her oldest is 16. Plus, she’s studied disability issues in depth and she works at a group home as a...

a better day

Last time I wrote I was saying I was going to brainstorm things I could do to minimize my mom’s discomfort during doctor’s appointments and bathtime. So–as a first step, I looked up information online about COPD. (Ok, I’ll admit, I was also curious about life expectancy!! Sheesh. I’m awful. My mom could easily have another 10 years. Rats.) I read about what it’s like to walk with...

family visiting

My mom has 3 brothers. None of them have ever offered to do ANYTHING for my mom, nor have they ever offered any financial assistance of any kind. Perhaps that’s normal, perhaps siblings don’t bear any real responsibility toward eachother, but, never the less, it annoys me. One of my mom’s brothers and his wife are going to be visiting us in a couple of weeks. They’re staying at a hotel. I...