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| Author: |
| denise |
| Blog URL: |
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http://www.caregiving.com/blogs/denise
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| Tags: |
| caregiving |
| Description: |
| Denise hopes her blog feels like a warm hug, a helpful smile and an encouraging nudge. She writes words of comfort, insight and hope. (And, once in awhile, she'll give you an update about the site.) And, keep up-to-date on the new articles and features on Caregiving.com with Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/caregiving. |
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Grow
A family caregiver once told me that she only developed her green thumb after her caregiving journey began.
What have you grown since caregiving began for you?
Think:
--How have your skills and talents grown?
--How have your relationships grown?
--How has your wisdom grown?
You are different--better--because of caregiving. You have grown. You are green, in the prime position to make the most of your life. Celebrate it.
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Balance
You may feel like caregiving is a balancing act--balancing caregiving with relationships, work, hobbies, and rest.
You're also balancing your past, present and future.
For instance, does your past dictate how you act today? Meaning, because it didn't work then, do you believe it won't work now? Or, because you couldn't do it then, are you convinced that you can't do it now?
Do you worry so much about the future that you neglect the present? Do you focus so much on what could happen next week that you don't see the blessings you have today? Are you dreading what could happen next year so that you can't relax today?
It's good to bring lessons learned from the past into the present. And, it's important to take steps today to protect your (and your family's) future.
But, always live in the present. You have today, right now, this moment. How will you use it?
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Time
Everyone, it seems, wants a piece of your time. How in the world will you have enough time for everyone? And, have time to achieve all you want in life?
Worrying about the lack of time can create a deficit--you may feel that you'll never have enough time.
Believe you have time. You have time for all that caregiving requires of you. You have time for all you want for yourself in life. You have time.
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Positive
This week, pay attention to what you tell yourself.
For instance, you may say:
I’ll never get this done.
I’ll find anyone who understands.
I’ll never get what I want out of life.
Concentrate on turning the negatives into positives:
I have completed my tasks.
I have a great support system that honors and understands me.
I have what I want.
Getting what you want begins with believing you already have it. And, you deserve all the good that you want.
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Your Choice
You may feel that you have no choice about the events that have shaped your life today.
You do have a choice: You can choose how you would like to handle these very events. You can choose to approach relationships, situations and experiences as those that teach you, even comfort you, often bringing about opportunities you never dreamed possible.
Your choice is in what you do what with your life becomes.
Some believe that you repeat the experiences of your past until you learn the lessons that you need for your future. Choose today to learn the lessons that you need for tomorrow.
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Open
When life becomes difficult, it may feel like a good time to stay closed. Your pain may feel so intense that it's too hard to share, so you keep it closed to friends and friends. It may just seem easier to keep the pain under lock and key.
This truly is the time to be open. Be open to opportunities to share your pain with just the right person; be open to times when you can disengage from the pain, even if for a few minutes; be open to the chances to move past the pain.
Be open. And, when you stay open, you stay open to receiving the love, support and healing you deserve.
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Treat
How do you treat yourself? As well as you do others?
Treat yourself with kindness, respect and love. Treat yourself to:
--Annual visits to your doctor and semi-annual ones to your dentist;
--Quiet moments every day so you can hear who you are;
--Terrific relationships that honor you;
--Regular encouragement to keep moving forward;
--Physical activity that keeps you in healthy;
--Ongoing forgiveness.
Treat yourself.
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Good Luck
Have you walked under a ladder? Has a black cat crossed your path? Did you break a mirror?
Or, did you merely get out of bed?
Do you sometimes feel you have lots of luck—-it’s just all bad?
The worst part about bad luck is our tendency to blame misfortune on ourselves--as if we can produce it.
Bad luck isn’t your creation. It's not you, it's just the ups and downs of life. Bad luck is nothing more than a series of unfortunate incidences. Give them greater significance and they become greater. Treat them as blips on your radar screen that you negotiate--and you’ll overcome.
You are wise and strong. You are bigger than any bit of bad luck. You are
your own good luck.
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Story
What's your story?
Does your story reflect who you were, who you are, who you want to be? Or, does your story cement you in a past full of wrongs and pains, so much so that the listener loses focus of who you are today?
Tell a story about yourself that includes a lesson learned (your past), your current goals (your present) and your dreams (your future). A story that includes your past, present and future respects who you were, who you are and who you will be. It also paints the complete picture of you.
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Clutter
Where's your clutter?
Is it in your attic? Your closet? Your basement?
Or, is it in your heart?
A cluttered heart may keep at bay the blessings and opportunities that fulfill your life's purpose. De-clutter your heart by letting unhealthy and unkind relationships fade away and by letting negative and growth-stopping thoughts slip by. Relationships that ruin, thoughts that stunt and habits that hinder hurt your heart.
De-clutter so you have the room needed for relationships that nurture, thoughts that open and habits that take care. Take the clutter to the curb. Keep the good stuff in your heart.
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Gut
You've heard this often enough: Listen to you gut.
It's easy to listen your gut when it's reinforced by others' opinions, the situation's reality and the information gathered. It's tough to follow your gut when your gut opposes all else.
Still, listen to your gut.
Even when others tell you different, when reality seems to scream something else, when information would point to a different course.
Follow your gut. It knows.
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Circle
We live within the circle of life. And, within that circle, we create our own swirls--healthy relationships, challenging goals and meaningful moments--that become our very own circles.
This week, take a look at the circle you've created with your care recipient. Consider how:
--You replace a loss with a gain;
--You forgive and, in turn, allow yourself to be forgiven;
--You carry your care recipient's legacy next to your own;
--You balance your wants with those of your care recipient;
--You open the door so joy joins both of you in your activities and discussions.
This week, swirl with your care recipient to keep your circle full.
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Captive
What captivates your heart?
--Is it guilt? Guilt over decisions? Guilt for putting yourself first when you can?
--Is it resentment? Resentment that some family members won't help? Or, resentment because you worry that your life is wasted?
--Is it fear? Fear that you won't know? Fear that you can't do?
--Is it false hope? False hope that others will change? False hope that pressing problems don't need your attention?
--Is it second-guessing? Second guessing your decisions? Second guessing your actions?
When negatives captivate your heart, your heart works too much and life becomes too hard. Especially because these negatives aren't you.
Instead, captivate your heart with:
--People who truly love you
--Activities that set your spirit soaring
--Thoughts that honor you
--Commitments that align with your priorities
--Confidence because you know and you do
--Decisions made with an informed head and a knowing heart
--Actions that show your life's meaning
Captivate your heart with your goodness--it will warm your soul and illuminate your life.
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Hope
Do you sometimes wonder if hope is friend or foe?
You hope, but your hopes don't seem to materialize. You hope a sibling will be more sensitive to all you do, you hope your care recipient will know more pain-free days, you hope your life will be easier. But, the hopes just seem to stay that--hopes.
Try these hopes:
Hope that you always be able to love.
Hope that you always be able to show your love.
Hope that you'll see the miracles that happen in the small moments.
Hope that your heart stays warm even when the world could make it cold.
Hope that your life stays three-dimensional, full of some pain, some joy and all wisdom.
With these hopes, the rest falls in place. Hope is your friend.
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Process
When, you wonder, when will you have your answers? When will you know, definitively, why you’ve been through all of this?
The frustration in waiting for the answers can seem worse than managing your day-to-day struggles.
Keep this in mind: You’re in the midst of a process. And, while you’re in the process, your role is to experience. What you experience now will help you better understand those answers when they present themselves to you.
You will know your answers. And, going through the process, which means concentrating on your experiences, will make those answers so much more meaningful.
You will know. And, then, you’ll be grateful for the process.
*********
Recommended Books:
“Chicken Soup for a Caregiver’s Soul” by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Leann Thieman
“The Lord Is My Shepherd, The Healing Wisdom of the Twenty-Third Psalm” by Harold S. Kushner
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Say It
Regrets. Wouldn't it be wonderful to live a life of minimal regrets?
Often, the regrets are about the "not's", not verbalizing our feelings to those most important in our lives. We may stay silent out of fear, which often gets our tongue (beating out the cat). We may be afraid that our feelings aren't recipricated. Or, we may be afraid to show emotion. We may be afraid we won't say the right thing.
When it comes from the heart, it's always right. And, it's about the giving, rather than the receiving. Your ability to express yourself is the true gift. Let the words on your lips truly reflect the love in your heart.
This week, say it. Tell family members and friends what they mean to you. Tell your care recipient how much you've learned from him or her. Be the one who does it, who turns intangible feelings into tangible.
Say it. Because you deserve a life full of love, not regrets.
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Stand
Every day, you take a stand for your care recipient. You stand up for proper care and treatments, for likes and dislikes, for wishes and hopes. Taking a stand makes a powerful difference in the care your care recipient receives.
When you take a stand for your care recipient, take a stand for yourself, as well.
Take a stand so:
--you have ongoing help
--you get the answers you need
--you enjoy the respect you are owed
--you receive the support you deserve
You take a stand with your words and your actions. You take a stand when you say what you want and need. You take a stand when you ask others to help you get what you want and need.
Take a stand for you--there's no one more worthy than you.
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Phoenix: A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty.
It may be hard to see yourself as a phoenix, to see your own beauty and excellence. It can be especially hard to see when you’re surrounded by medical bills, incontinence supplies, and loads of laundry. Stack your worries on top and, well, it’s hard to see anything but problems.
Know that you are a phoenix, that you have the strength and courage to rise above, to advocate, to find, to understand, to solve and to resolve.
You encompass such tenacity, grace and compassion that you can only be called beauty.
You are a phoenix.
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Prioritize
On anniversaries of important days, we’re reminded of what’s most important in life: Health, happiness, loved ones.
Take time this week to prioritize, working to minimize what doesn’t honor, support and celebrate who you are. Take time to also prioritize your sacrifices, reviewing the demands that have taken too much of a toll for too long of a time. Take time to prioritize your loves, determining which need more of your time and attention. And, take time to prioritize your spirit, emphasizing those activities and relationships that help you shine.
Prioritize so who you are and who you love stay on the top.
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Games
Family members will play games with you, your care recipient will play games with you, sometimes it seems that Destiny plays games with you.
Don't play with them. Play with us.
http://www.caregiving.com/games/solitaire/
Enjoy!
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Difference
You may wonder, "Do I really make a difference?"
In particular, on those difficult days, when you don't hear "thank you", when you don't see progress, when you don't have help, it may be hard to see the difference you make.
Know it: You make a tremendous difference.
You make a difference in your care recipient's life, in your community, and, yes, in our world. Your actions show the importance of taking care and of taking on. Because of who you are and what you do, you add a sparkle and shine to our world. You bring goodness and kindness to a sometimes cold and unforgiving world.
You are the difference.
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Play
Caregiving brings about lots of questions. Unfortunately, the answers to your questions may seem to take forever to arrive.
Because the questions can seem so pressing, you may be tempted to push for the answers. But, when you push, you instigate a pull. The push-pull will drive you batty and only keep the answers further at bay.
Instead, play it out.
Play it out by believing you will have your answers, that you will know what's needed, that you will do and say what's right.
Play it out. You have the wisdom, courage and insights to make the right play.
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First
Do you wonder how long you'll feel last because your caregiving role seems to last forever?
It's awful to feel last, that everything and everyone good passes you by.
Know you are very first. You are first because you were first to step in and help, first to find solutions, first to advocate. Your firsts will earn you a first place finish.
You are a first. Your grace, wisdom and kindness ensure you will never be last.
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Rebound
In basketball, when someone takes a shot and misses, a teammate grabs the rebound in order to take another shot. The team trains to perfect rebounding as much as it does shooting—knowing every shot won’t net a score.
Who grabs your rebounds?
You can’t make every shot, i.e., solve every problem, meet every caregiving need and handle every situation.
You need rebounders.
You deserve rebounders.
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Fight
In many ways, you’re in the fight of your life.
Almost every day, you’re picking up the sword to fight battles with health
care organizations, insurance companies, health care professionals and,
sometimes, family members and even your care recipient.
The fights can come fast and furious. How do you stay fit?
Your health is critical. Take care of yourself, make your own health a top
priority. Eat right, exercise, believe in yourself and in your skills. You
deserve tip-top health. Fight for it.
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Sizzle
We all have a passion, something that makes us sizzle.
What's your passion that gives you your sizzle?
You may feel that you've lost it in your caregiving world. Your sizzle may take a back seat to your responsibilities.
Some days, it's okay to move it to the front seat, even if for just a few mintues.
This week, find your passion, play your sizzle. Giving yourself time to let your sizzle show is one great way to take care.
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Ride
Just like a bad storm, ride out your bad days of caregiving.
The challenge of your bad days is that they seem really, really loooooong. It also may seem that one bad day just drags into another.
You’ll have bad days. That’s okay. You can ride them out by surrounding yourself with your storm supplies--whatever you need to have comfort and support. And, feel your bad days because the feeling will become part of the healing.
Good and bad follow each other. The sun does appear after a bad storm-—no matter how long it lasts. Believe all will be okay, that the sun will rise. Because it will. And, you'll be rewarded with a beautiful rainbow.
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Star
When you look up to the sky at night, they take your breath away.
The stars, the wonder of the universe. They seem so small, but they throw such a glow, visible for thousands of miles.
Just as you admire the stars, the universe admires you, our world's star. You shine, you glow.
Look at you. You are a star.
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Love
You do the work—so where’s the love?
You’ve sacrificed; you’ve re-done, re-worked, re-structured your life. It
seems you spend your life behind the wheel of your car, or with your head
inside a washing machine, or your head bent behind the same magazine as
you wait in the doctor’s office. You’ve done it because it was the right
thing to do. Even if you could, you wouldn’t change your decision.
But, wouldn’t it be nice to hear a “Thanks”? To have someone recognize the
critical work you do—every day?
Thank you. Your efforts are amazing, courageous and miraculous.
Thank you.
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Lighten
Your load may seem very heavy. You carry the weight of keeping a family
member or friend as well as possible, while navigating an unfriendly
health care system, pounding the pavement looking for quality help, and
rebounding from the pain of so many losses in your life.
How do you lighten your load?
Lighten up by letting go. Let go of:
--Resentments toward those who won’t (or can’t) help. It’s hard, but those
resentments weigh you down.
--Anger toward the disease which has changed your life (and your care
recipient’s) forever. The anger will spill over into other areas of life.
--Guilt that you aren’t doing enough. You are doing enough, every day and
every minute. You can’t possibly do more than you already do.
And, lighten up by embracing. Embrace:
--Opportunities to share special moments with your care recipient. Your
moments today will provide great comfort tomorrow.
--Times to share your gratitudes. Your thanks will bring more blessings.
--Those who embrace you. The family and friends who see you as the gift
you are want you to know how much they love you. Know it.
Soar-—lighten your load.
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Bounty You may feel like you have a bounty on your head. Everyone wants a piece of you! But bounty also is your abundance. Your bounty is your ability to rebound from heartache, find solutions when the problems seem insurmountable, and smile when the soiled laundry seems endless. You have a bounty—but it’s the one over your head. It’s your blessings, your gifts, your intelligence. Enjoy your bounty--you’ve worked hard for it. Protect your bounty--it’s your daily miracle. Believe in your bounty--it will multiply.
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Cope
You may be asked: “How are you coping?” A question that may stop you in your tracks: “Coping? I’m not coping!”, you may think.
Every day, you have coping skills—skills that you have developed—which help you through the day. You have learned to pick your battles; to stick to your priorities (letting the non-priorities go, knowing they’ll take care of themselves); to give tears and laughter their own space and time (sometimes sharing that space and time); to respect your limits; to set boundaries; to follow your gut; to support and be supportive. All these help you cope.
You have amazing resilience. Your coping skills that you have developed mean you will be okay. No; you will be better.
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Heavy
Sometimes, it may seem too heavy to bear, this caregiving load. The worry, the loneliness, the exhaustion, the constant need to adjust, the pressure to make a decision on a dime.
This is a heavy load you carry; it’s a load that requires the strength of many hands. Turn to help—from family, from friends, from support group members, from neighbors, from community agencies and social service providers. With the help of many hands you’ll find that your load will lighten.
You’ve stepped in to help when a family member needed you. You deserve the same—a load that you can carry with the help of loving hands.
================================
“The more help I got, the more help I wanted.”
--A family caregiver speaking about her experience using respite services
================================
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Happiness
[Happiness: Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Source: Dictionary.com]
Are your happiness and your caregiving responsibilities mutually exclusive?
Caregiving can sometimes overwhelm you with sadness, grief, anxiety, depression. You will feel these emotions—that’s a normal reaction to a very trying experience.
Make sure you leave room for happiness, as well.
You may think: How can I be happy when my care recipient has so many problems? Is it fair to be happy?
Yes! We all deserve happiness, particularly in times of deep concerns and worries. Happiness lies in your life’s details: your relationships, your accomplishments, nature’s beauty. Enjoy a joke, share a laugh, offer a smile.
As a caregiver, you have moments of despair. When the happy moments come, treasure them!
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A friend sent this quote to me today; I thought you would enjoy it, too.
A test of a people is how it behaves toward
the old. It is easy to love children. Even
tyrants and dictators make a point of
being fond of children.
But the affection and care for the old, the
incurable, the helpless are the true gold
mines of a culture. - Abraham Joshua Heschel
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Heaven
[A condition or place of great happiness, delight, or pleasure: The lake was heaven.
Source: Dictionary.com]
How do define your heaven on earth?
Sometimes, caregiving can be described as, well, hell. Your family member is ill, sometimes critically so; your family is in crisis; you find yourself in a constant state of expecting the worst.
You’ve lived through hell. Now, how do you create your heaven on earth?
Spend some time this week daydreaming:
About your next vacation
About your next day off from caregiving
About your best friend
About your proudest accomplishment
About your greatest gift
About your most cherished blessing
About your most amazing opportunity
About your favorite memory
About your wish for your future
You’ve just created your ingredients for heaven on earth! Mix, shake and pour. You’re in heaven!
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Enlightened
You may feel, at time, disillusioned. Disillusioned that life has become this—caregiving.
If you can, try to move from disillusioned to enlightened. When you make the move from
believing that your life has become cursed to believing that life is full of gifts, you flip a light switch. You now see all the possibilities in life, rather than all the limits.
You have amazing, special and valuable gifts. And, because of your caregiving role, you have a unique opportunity to use these gifts. Be open to these opportunities. Live enlightened.
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Energy
You need it so much—a full tank of energy. Sometimes, the tank seems empty--you’re out of energy.
When you’re feeling lethargic, lazy or low, schedule time in your day to re-energize. Maintaining your energy level with ample time to rest is as important as doctor’s appointments, healthy meals, and exercise. Let other tasks slide for the time being; they’ll be there when your tank is full. And, you’ll get more done when you give your tank time to refuel.
Resting is good. And, resting without any guilt is best. It's the just the kind of energy you deserve.
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Gut
You may feel that your true challenge in caregiving is making decisions. What’s right for your care recipient? Whose opinion is right when it comes to a treatment decision for your care recipient? Which home health aide is right to take care of your care recipient? Which nursing home is right? What’s right???
These decisions can weigh heavy on you. In times when you worry about making the right decision, listen to your gut—and then have the guts to follow that intuition. Your guts will let you know which decision is right (you’ll feel at peace) and which isn’t (your stomach rumbles will keep you awake at night).
You have the knowledge, the wisdom and the insight to make the right decisions on behalf of your care recipient. Your gut knows it!
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Dust
What needs dusting in your life? Your time alone? Your friendships? Your hope? Your travel bags?
This week, take time to dust. Make time for your needs, even if for just five minutes. Dust away the cobwebs by taking a nap, reading a good book, watching an engrossing movie, enjoying a quiet drive, calling a good friend.
You’ll never know what you uncover when you dust.
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Family
You grew up with them—your siblings. Or, you raised them—your adult children. But, now that caregiving has entered your life, they seem to be strangers. You wonder: Where did these insensitive, overbearing and selfish creatures come from? This is my family???
It’s painful to learn that siblings and adult children can sometimes bring problems, rather than solutions, to the caregiving table. And, it’s heart-breaking to discover that you really can’t count on those you thought you could count on most.
The good news, though, is that a family can take many shapes and forms. And, caregiving will bring you a new family: Members of your support group; other family caregivers at the adult day center; the home health aide who dotes on your care recipient; the neighbors always willing to lend a hand. Good hearts make the best family members.
You are blessed with people in your life who love you. You are blessed with a great family.
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Down
No matter what you do, there will be days when you’re down. You feel sad, disillusioned, tired. And, no kind word, no loving hug and no inspirational saying can pick you up.
You’re just down.
And, that’s okay. Sometimes, you need to be down to lick your wounds, catch your breath, wipe your tears.
You’ll be down. But, know that there’s always an upswing on its way. And, having felt the pain of being down, you’ll savor the joy of being up.
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Embrace
Caregiving can seem to engulf your entire life, so much so that it becomes your life. Without your knowledge or even your approval, it can add blinders, causing you to see yourself as only caregiver, not the individual you once were.
Your life prior to caregiving may not be the same within your life of caregiving, but you can blend bits and pieces of that past within your present. You are an individual with interests, opinions, gifts, wisdom, talents and blessings.
Embrace these. Carry them with you. Grow them.
Embrace them.
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Cabana
1.A shelter on a beach or at a swimming pool used as a bathhouse.
2.A cabin or hut.
We all need a cabana, a place in the sun that protects from the harmful rays, but keeps us in the midst of fun.
This week, visualize your cabana. It could be on the sand in the Caribbean, the South of France, a cruise ship in the Mediterranean. On those days, when you want to run away, but your responsibilities keep you in place, visualize a visit to your cabana. Enjoy relaxing in your lounge chair, sipping cold drinks, listening to the sound of waves hitting the shore, watching the sun glistening off the pristine water.
We all need a cabana, a place in the sun that protects from the harmful rays, but keeps us in the midst of fun.
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Consider this: Parenting teaches you how to love. Caregiving teaches you how to live.
How are you living your life today to the fullest?
We’re never promised another day. How are living today without regrets? How are you nurturing those relationships that nurture you? And, how are you living so that your legacy lives on after you?
Each moment we have is a gift. Protect those gifts by making the most of them.
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[Delegate
1. To send as one's representative; to empower as an ambassador; to send with power to transact business; to commission; to depute; to authorize.
2. To intrust to the care or management of another; to transfer; to assign; to commit.
Souce: Dictionary.com]
You may be the best one in your family to provide care. You have the instinct, the fortitude, and sometimes, the stomach, that seems to elude other family members. You may be the best all-around caregiver, but others have skills that can be useful. Take advantage of other family members’ skills by delegating some of your caregiving responsibilities.
For instance, your brother pays the bills and manages the finances; your sister makes phone calls on a regular basis to find out about community services that can help; your aunt pays for monthly respite services so you can take a break; your daughter does the grocery shopping and errand running every week.
When you delegate, you create more time for yourself. Then, use the extra time to dabble in activities you’ve always wondered if you would enjoy.
Think you have an artistic flare? Then dabble in painting your garden, drawing your care recipient’s portrait, photographing snippets of your life. Believe you can write the next Great American Novel? Then dabble in writing short stories, poetry, your care recipient’s life story. Want to start your own business when your caregiving role ends? Then, dabble in brainstorming business ideas, researching how to start and run a business, talking to small business owners.
Delegating creates time to dabble, which expands your interests. Your dabbles will create a new self portrait; a self-portrait that’s colorful, lively, and refreshed—a true reflection of you.
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Risk
Take a risk that didn’t work? Like hiring a home health aide—who you care recipient hated? Or, asking your sister to help out—only to be shot down?
After taking a risk that just doesn’t work out they way you hoped, you may feel foolish, or silly, or naïve.
Keep in mind what’s important: You stepped out of your comfort zone in order to create what you wanted. Creating what you want only happens with risk. Sometime the risk works, sometimes it doesn’t. The result isn’t reflective of who you are. But the effort—and its inherent courage—is.
Your risks will pay off—just like all your good work will.
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Acknowledge
An emotion may be lying under the surface, but the emotion may be so strong and so scary that you may fight to keep it below. You worry that when it comes out, it may be too strong to control. It may be how angry you are at a sibling, or how worried you are about your care recipient’s health, or how frustrated you are about your lack of free time.
Acknowledge your emotion, your feeling. Give it a name and then find a place to put it (in your journal, your blog, your garden, your daily walks, in your support group). Acknowledging, naming and putting your feelings empowers you to control, rather than be controlled. When it’s under the surface, it controls. When it’s out in the open, you control.
Acknowledge—whatever it is.
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You’re familiar with recovery—as it relates to your care recipient. Recovery from a procedure, an illness, a set-back.
Have you thought about your recoveries?
Every time you watch your care recipient lose a skill, or a memory, or a function, you also suffer a loss. And, we each loss, you also need time to recover from your own sadness, disappointment, grief.
Allow time to recovery, to get your bearings, to find your new “normal”. As with all recoveries, you’ll have good days and bad. You’ll also experience some set-backs. That’s okay.
Be gentle with yourself during your recoveries.
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When the red flags appear, do you use caution?
The home health aide seems more preoccupied with your dog than in helping your mom. The doctor waves away your concerns about your dad’s weight loss. The hospital discharge planner, while running down the hall, assures you he’ll give you plenty of notice about your spouse’s discharge date.
Out of the corner of your eye you can’t help but see a red flag waving.
Your gut will tell raise those red flags. And, when it does, slow down, gather information, ask questions, determine the reality of the situation. Sometimes, you can change a red flag to a caution flag to a green flag. And, sometimes, you just have to drive away, knowing that another health care professional or resource is available to better meet your needs.
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Ability:
1. The quality of being able to do something, especially the physical, mental, financial, or legal power to accomplish something.
2. A natural or acquired skill or talent.
Source: Dictionary.com
As a family caregiver, the word “disability” seems to encompass your lifestyle: An illness or disease has disabled your family member. As a result, your family member can no longer function as he or she once did. Your care recipient is disabled, which has disabled your lifestyle.
This week, turn disability on its head and transform your disabilities into abilities. Concentrate on abilities—yours and your care recipient’s.
Your care recipient still has abilities: To help in small ways around the house; to manage simple personal care tasks; to love and to receive love. And, you have great abilities: Your talents and gifts are limited only by your imagination.
This week, which gifts and talents will become your abilities?
I am able.
You are able.
We are able.
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You may look around and think: “Is this my life? Cooped up in my house, surrounded by medical supplies, watching strangers parade in and out of house?” Or, before your eyes your life has become an intense juggling act; it’s not balls that you throw in the air, but two households, your spouse, your children, your job, your caregiving responsibilities.
It’s hard not to think: “Is this really my destiny in life? This? This is what I was meant to do?” You may feel betrayed by destiny.
But, your destiny is just taking form. Because of your caregiving experience, your destiny has the power to become greater than you could ever imagine.
Your turn will come. Your commitment, dedication and advocacy will create a destiny of opportunities. Your loving care (yep, every day, you provide loving care) will create a destiny of blessings.
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Ewwww… You’d like to have some control. So much in your life has been out of your control. You’d give anything for a little control:
1. Over your brother, who never keeps his word on when he’ll stop to help.
2. Over the doctor, who seems to take two-week vacations every month, and can never call you back to answer your questions.
3. Over your care recipient, who seems unable to respect your schedule and your responsibilities.
If only…
Living with the thought that your life is out-of-control may make you just want to pull the sheets over your head and stay in bed forever. But, controlling everyone and everything can be exhausting. You can’t control your brother--he must live with the results of his actions. You can’t control the doctor--but you can find another one. You can’t control your care recipient--but you can ensure that he has the medications, activities and community services that he needs.
You can only control yourself: Your actions, your words, your solutions.
As for the rest… Let Go and Let God.
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The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
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I attended a dinner with a friend last week. The dinner was an opportunity to meet new people; my friend, Amy, and I are both single so are always looking for opportunities to meet new people.
At dinner, you moved tables so that you sat with new dinner mates during the appetizer, salad, entree and dessert courses. During the appetizer course, I sat with a woman who cared for her father, who had recently died.
"I cared for him for seven years on my own," she said, "until the last year of his life, when I had to get a nurse to help.
"I wanted to get help sooner, but my dad wouldn't budge," she expained. "Then, when the doctor finally told him that we need help, he agreed.
"And, you know what? He loved the nurse who came to see him. He absolutely loved her!"
She paused. "I wish we had gotten that help earlier."
"It's tough," I said, "because it was important to you to respect your dad's wishes."
"Yes," she agreed. But, her silent words hung in the air: He loved the nurse. It would helped both of them so much to have that nurse's help a few years earlier.
Getting help in to help your care recipient so you can take a few deep breathes is as difficult as understanding Medicare and all its parts. So, what's a family caregiver to do?
Try.
Here's how: Ask your care recipient to try a service (such as Meals on Wheels, personal emergency response systems, visiting nurses, home health aides) for one month.
You might say: "I've heard good things about Hometown Home Health and I'd like us to try them. A home health aide will come twice a week to help you around the house. I'd like us to try this for a month and see what you think.
"And, because you have great insights about what works and what doesn't, I'd like you to jot down your notes about how the aide does, what you like and don't like. We'll go over your notes on Saturday morning."
Why might this work?
1. You're getting buy-in from your care recipient.
2. You're getting all-important feedback from your care recipient so that you resolve small problems before they became huge. If your care recipient has a legitimate complaint, then let the agency or service provider know as soon as possible. The agency now has an opportunity to solve the problem. If the agency can't resolve your concerns, then you can start over with another provider.
3. You have help for a month. At the end of the month, you can ask for buy-in for another month.
Try it. And, if your attempts don't work the first time, try again. And, let us know how you do--this would be great content for the blog you start on Caregiving.com.
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I received my first invitation to join someone's network on the website. How exciting!
And, it's easy to do. When you log in, click on My Caregiving, then My Invitations. You'll be directed to a page that has an email invitation ready for you to send.
Invite your friends, co-workers and support group members--it's a great to stay connected. We all need a network!
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