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What's On Today's Menu?...Sandwiches...again
My present domestic arrangements involve not just multi-generational living, but multi-generational caretaking.
Like so many other caretakers, I am a 40-something female parent. My dependents range from under 10 to over 90, so one might say that I have the benefits and disadvantages of viewing the entire spectrum of human life, up close and personal.
As any pastor or GP could tell you, being intimately involved in others' personal lives from cradle to grave can feel like both blessing and curse. No doubt it is a privilege, generally speaking, to have a certain family continuity; however...
There is more to the story.
Those who have never undertaken hands-on caregiving may be forgiven (?) for thinking that being cloistered in suburban sole-charge of all manner of things for all ages is a breeze (perhaps because it presently does not require a degree; a uniform; or a suit--although IMO education for this role would certainly make for better strategy, and perhaps better delivery.) More importantly, I also believe that some consider it easy because it is so often done without pay.
As with parenting, most of us probably enter the Elder Caregiver's role as amateurs--which, like parenting, also makes us more prone to mistakes than is necessary. I strongly believe that knowledge is power--and I'm still idealistic enough to believe that we can leverage knowledge and experience into better lives for all concerned, given the the right intent and attention to management.
The great thing about both education and social networking is that we can all benefit from the knowledge and experience of others. Instead of exploiting (typically) female family members; and leaving countless future generations in isolation to reinvent the wheel, it would make much more sense--not to mention, be far healthier--to provide safe contexts in which to share information and advice.
For me, the Internet is one of those places. I cannot get the sort of information and advice that I need through informal conversations with other family members, since they are either also amateurs; or have no interest or concept of what I/we are dealing with, having never done it themselves. In the circles of affluence where we live, people also don't want to know too much about life's valleys, where there are many rocks or hard places.
Perhaps because many wealthy people can afford to live in denial, their "Too Hard Basket" is exceptionally deep. Senior caregiving is not a sexy or diverting political topic, so it's much easier to focus on any number of other concerns. To some extent, it can also sound like somewhat pointless whining about the human condition, which requires a strong stomach and a patient ear.
But neither denial nor blithe acceptance of the status quo are going to improve conditions for caregivers or the cared-for. IMO we need education; and we need support--not just amongst ourselves, or from those who have gone before, but also from the blithely ignorant and/or arrogant who assume that sick, old people are somebody else's responsibility. In improving conditions for others now, we will also be generally improving them for ourselves (in later life) and our children.
At the moment I may be the beef in this generational sandwich, but I will not be quietly and anonymously devoured by other people's demands, lack of support, or lack of education. With regard to the nonagenarian, it is inappropriate for me to assume sole responsibility for her health, emotions and behaviors, regardless of the convenience that might provide to certain others. She has been offered other, easily accessible resources, but simply prefers not to use them.
The dementia-related behaviors have gotten so bad that I've considered moving out, even though she should not be left alone for days or weeks on end (and was much worse before I got here.) Some of it is degenerative, some manipulative, and some cyclical. I feel like I've reached the point where I say, "I tried," and throw in the towel. (Wondering if she would sell the small family home and consider moving to a duplex with separate living spaces?)
People have commented on other living arrangements, and seem surprised when I say that I live in the same house. This could be another mistake I've made as an amateur, LOL. Maybe this arrangement should be considered a short-lived experiment--something with an expiration date. I do know that being driven to ill-health by her problems is not conducive to my well-being, or to my child's future.
I never used to understand how people could run away from home and abandon their families, but now I get it--when there's no support, and no letup.
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