Recipient:
Howard's wife, Beth, who suffered a stroke in 1991 two days after hip
replacement surgery.
Nominated By: Howard's sisters: Lillian Davidson, Marcella Shapiro and Marion Schultz.
Hardest part of caregiving: "Going alone, doing it yourself. The loneliness of being a care person. You're a one-man band, you play all the instruments."
Advice I wish I had received when I first started caregiving: "Maintain a sense of humor, everything isn't all that serious. Remember, 'this too shall pass'. Have a positive attitude in spite of adversity. I apply the W. Clement Stone philosophy, the PMA philosophy: Positive Mental Attitude. I use that philosophy in all things. PMA does work--attitude determines so much. It's important to maintain that attitude in every given situation."
Stress reliever: "I change the environment, move out the situation as much as I can. I try to walk as much as time permits. I try to exercise my body and brain as much as possible."
Proudest achievement in my life: "I think I was raised to be a care person. In my work, I was always training and teaching others to do better, to reach their pinnacle of success. I always compliment others. Making them feel good makes me feel good."
Life lesson learned as a result of caregiving: "I disseminate information for myself about Beth's illness and I'm able to share that information with persons in similar situations. I've learned to make lemonade out of a lemon. I learned that for every adversity there's a greater benefit if you look for it. I made a different life of myself and Beth, maybe not that one I would have wanted. But I've been active in our local stroke association and teach at Legacy Good Samaritan Hospital & Medical Center (in Portland) on caregiving issues."
The legacy I would leave to another family caregiver: "Don't give up. Persevere and make the best of the situation. And, don't take 'no' for an answer. Don't let our health care situation get the best of you. Don't give up on your loved ones or yourself. Be an advocate for your loved one--otherwise the system will step on you."
My wish for my family in 1998: "To keep on trying, to make the best out of a bad situation, have a goal, have fun, and get involved in positive situations. To continue having hope--it's the magic ingredient. Keep hope alive, as Martin Luther King said."
When I think of Howard Shapiro, I think of a fighter. To me, Howard seems to be in the trenches, taking aim--on behalf of caregivers--against a health care system that doesn't provide enough help and against another invisible, yet more vicious enemy--self-doubt and surrender.
When Howard found himself in the new, uncomfortable role of caregiver to his wife, he knew he needed help. Struggling with issues of anger, guilt and fear, Howard knew he would be of no use to Beth, or himself, if he didn't sort through these overwhelming emotions. He found a therapist and a support group--both of which helped. But he needed to know he wasn't alone, that he wasn't the only male caregiver. He wanted to talk about his experience with compadres--other men.
Pounding the pavement, he looked for a support group for just men. When he didn't find one, he didn't give up: He started his own. Howard's "For Men Only" support group meets once a month at his local hospital. Male caregivers, mostly spouses, share their thoughts, feelings and experiences. "We feel safe," Howard says. "We shut the door and for an hour and a half we share our most intimate feelings. Loneliness is the most personal thing men must overcome."
Just as he didn't give up on himself or his fellow male caregivers, Howard has never given up on Beth and her ability to improve. With his encouragement, Beth is able to play bridge, as well as work on her cross word puzzles. "I have a lot of hope for Beth--she ain't going to skating and dancing, but she gets better everyday," Howard says. "We just got a computer and she can turn it on and play solitaire today. She couldn't do it yesterday. I don't accept no for an answer--she can do it. I have a Nike slogan for her with her name on it: "Just do it".
Howard would say the same to you: Can't find what you need in your community? Make it happen! Just do it!
