And, then there’s the family unit.

Perhaps caregiving has changed your family unit into just you—everyone else has scattered. Or, perhaps caregiving has silenced your once talkative family. Or, perhaps caregiving has caused a tear, dividing the family into separate units.

Or, maybe, caregiving has helped your family unit, causing a rift to heal or a relationship to be restored.

This week, tell us: What’s the biggest change to your family because of caregiving?

Related Articles

• What Makes a Caregiving Day “Good”? (caregiving.com)
• Seasons (caregiving.com)
• Quick Tips to Manage Your Small Business and Your Caregiving Role (caregiving.com)

Before, you may think, I had so much time, so many options, so many friends, so much fun with my caree.

I had so much.

Before, most likely, was much better. Because, Before, everyone in the family was healthy.

Remember Before with kindness. And, then let Before go. Before can be a toxic drug, tainting any possibility of perfect moments Now.

Be grateful for Before. Make the most of Now.

Related Articles

• Even If a Choice, It’s Still Difficult (caregiving.com)
• Celebrate (caregiving.com)

Yet there is also the reality of my husband’s disease that will not get better but only worse this side of heaven. There is the reality of receiving the news on Friday that my mother-in-law’s cancer has returned, and she will only live a few months longer on this earth. It will be a birth into eternal life for her, but we will miss her. Life is indeed a mixture of joys and sorrows.

One topic we discussed was particularly heart-felt. Miss R candidly spoke about her current worry: Will today be the day she enters her grandmother’s room and finds that her grandmother has passed?

Miss R works on the worry; she’s reading and reflecting about the what time will be like when it comes. She’s spoken with Hospice, which suggested additional reading materials. And, Miss R recommended this book: Living our Dying, A Way to the Sacred in Everyday Life by Joseph Sharp.

Miss R and I ended our discussion with her description of her favorite moments of the day with her grandmother. Bedtime seems to be the magical time for the both of them, when they share their mutual love for each other.

That time—Miss R’s favorite time—is also the most important time. That time together can ease that time Miss R dreads. When that time comes, it will be hard. The memories created at bedtime will comfort and answer.

Related Articles

• Unpleasant Conversations…Hospice and Palliative Care (caregiving.com)
• Making the Most of End-of-Life (caregiving.com)
• Making Amends at 95 (caregiving.com)
• The 6 Myths of Caregiving (caregiving.com)

hands that scraped an apple, and mashed a banana, for me to eat when I was sick in bed

hands that brought me that treasured round tin full of wonderful and magical buttons

hands that brought me a glass of grape or apple juice

hands that cleaned up after me each time I was sick (special mention to the bare feet that walked in it sometimes too!)

hands that selected my new Easter clothes

hands that helped me on and off the buses and trains as we traveled the country

hands that held mine while crossing the street on the way to church each Sunday

hands that cooked some of my favorite foods, beef stew, pot roast, country style spareribs

hands that cared for others for over 15 years as an aide in the hospital, then 3 years in a home and school for developmentally disabled individuals

hands that made the tiniest precisely placed stitches, in mending and quilting

hands that did tole painting, creating special keepsakes

hands that worked word search after word search puzzle

hands so strong that when she held yours, she could cut off the circulation, and you better not have on a ring

hands which are now spotted with age

It has been a what’s up with me kind of week.  I have new blogs I want to write, titles already in place, but just can’t get my thoughts in order to finish them. 

Wanting a bedroom and bed is weighing on me this week too.

Spring is coming one of my favorite seasons, but along with it comes another dimension of loneliness and sadness.  Where the multitudes are  enjoying the warmer temps, bar-b-cues are being held, festivals and picnics are being enjoyed, and the quiet and isolation intensifies in this house.  Yay, I will get to open windows and doors, and air this place out (from smells unmentionable!), but it adds to the knowing of what is going on outside and what people get to enjoy that I don’t and haven’t for sometime.

Mom will be 96 in May….

Choir will be over this month with our Easter Program, then there will be no getting away on Monday nights, just every other Sunday.

Mom’s bones show more and more as the days pass….hard to tend to her and see and feel them.

(Sigh)  Winter blahs, as many get, for me have to do with not being able to open doors and windows, that is about it.  I wouldn’t go out and do extra activities in the winter even if I could, do not like cold or snow!

But it is the warmer weather, the leaves on the trees, green grass, and flowers…I love flowers, and birds…have to see my first robin to know that spring is really here…and see those geese flying north!

This is a rambling blog for sure, but I knew there were things slushing around inside of me, and the best way to feel better is to let them ooze onto a post!  Yuk…

Hopefully I can get the other blogs done soon, I don’t like have unfinished ones, means those thoughts are in my head, and emotions bound up inside yet.

Chad changed careers, so to speak.

After picking our youngest daughter up from preschool, Chad and I ventured to his office.
He cleaned out his cubicle and turned in his ID badge.

We had been discussing it for a while, and he decided he had put it off long enough.
A few friends helped him box up everything from his career in civil engineering.
Those seven canary-yellow boxes now reside in our mudroom, stacked half-way up the wall.
And there they will sit until we locate the determination to find a permanent location for their contents.

Books. Calculators. Rulers. (Which I’m sure all have fancier professional names than that…)

We spoke to a few of Chad’s co-workers and I entertained our daughter while Chad’s boxed-up career was loaded into the back of our van.

Was it hard?
Absolutely.
Chad worked so hard and genuinely enjoyed going to work before he was diagnosed.
He was always thinking of ways to do his job more effectively and help others do the same.
He studied and sacrificed so much to complete his Master’s Degree and Professional Engineering license.

My neighbor & I were talking yesterday afternoon, and he said something that validated a topic I’d been pondering lately.
He said, “You know, Skye, sometimes bad things happen. But who’s to say that it’s not really a good thing? God doesn’t make mistakes….Chad no longer works. But that means he’s home with you and the girls.”

And it’s absolutely true.
God does not make mistakes.
He makes statements.
And sometimes we struggle to determine the meaning behind it all.
I know what God wanted to share with us this time:

This is not the end of his career.
It’s the beginning of a new one.

He is with US.
He’s a Full Time, Stay-at-Home Dad.
And a Full Time, Stay-at-Home Husband.
We’ll have more memories.
We’ll have more laughs.
We’ll just have…Chad.
We’ll have more time.
More time together.

I just hope Chad doesn’t expect me to pay him.
I forgot to mention it was a non-paid position when he accepted my offer.

We got rid of some of our things and replaced it with theirs. Sometimes when I look around I feel like I am in the “That 70’s Show.” A little modern, a little old fashioned. I’m not always thrilled with the look but I know the importance of Mom’s things to her.

Some things of course had to be discarded, some things we still have in boxes and then there are the special things they wanted near and dear. I was cleaning my china closet yesterday and inside is a beautiful yellow depression cake plate that was my Aunt’s.

I remember we had a family dinner at her house and there was leftover cake which she gave my mom to take home on this plate. Well every visit after Mom always forgot to return the cake plate. My Aunt was a stickler for having her things returned and she would carry on and my mother would argue back. Finally one Sunday she remembered to return the plate.

I laughed yesterday holding it in my hand. I said Mom, do you remember the fit Aunt Hilda made over this very plate and look now where it wound up. There are things in there I’m scared to use, like my grandmothers cake plate that they say was 50 years old 40 years ago!! That would make the plate 90.

I’m not sure that story is true but it still scares me to use it. I also have my grandmothers creamer and sugar holders in there. I do very carefully use those on special occasions. There also are the pink carnation dishes. Years ago my parents did not have money for china so the supermarket gave out dishes if you spent a certain amount of money each week. My mother faithfully went and after many weeks collected a beautiful set. We always ate off the pretty pink carnation plates for every holiday.

As a child I loved it when Mom took the plates out of the china cabinet and set the table. Last Sunday my mother-in-law came over for dinner for her birthday and I said to Mom, Lets use the pink carnation plates. I said Mom, you need to know, these plates always made me so happy. They were not expensive but they have so much meaning to me.

Meaning is the key. Our apartment, these days, is a mixture of everyone. I did remove some of my aunt’s things because it was becoming a little too much, to be honest, once Mom arrived. There are a few articles I still have not been able to remove but will one day.

I polish her old end tables that dont really match, but I’m good, I did get rid of her lamps and have pretty new ones. It’s like a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll in here. The mirror in the dining room needs to come down, too. I just don’t know where to put it or do with it. I cannot discard it. The memory of that mirror hanging over that perfect living room as children is so comforting. We loved going to her house and that mirror was just there!!

It has to be put in the right home and unfortunately this generation does not have the sentiment I have. For now it stays. These things bring comfort as Mom’s will one day.

I am going to begin using those pretty pink plates more often. I want to create more happy memories while Mom is still here with me. A lof of this stuff has meaning and in some small way I’m honoured we joined homes and have these inexpensive but special pieces surrounding me.

The next two weeks are critical for health reform efforts in Congress. The need to support the nation’s 66 million family caregivers and sustain them as the backbone of our chronic and long-term care system is a central issue in the congressional efforts to reform healthcare. Lawmakers need to hear from us now. Your voice and the voice of the caregiving community can make a difference. Below is a paragraph that you can use to send to your members of Congress to let them know that family caregivers are counting on them to finish the job.

To locate your congressmen or senators address, visit: www.congress.org or call the Capitol Switchboard, toll-free, at 1-800-828-0498.
____________________________________

Dear Senator or Representative:

As family caregivers, we urge you to vote yes when you have the chance to cast your final vote on health reform.  Congress needs to enact healthcare reform now, with such important components as: Increasing access to services and supports for home and community based care; Ensuring that all health plans cover all prevention services and immunizations; Creating new transition programs for Medicare beneficiaries to better coordinate care among specialists, doctors, nurses, therapists, to reduce the rate of re-admissions to the hospital; and requiring all insurance plans offer dependent health care coverage for children until age 26, as well as banning all pre-existing condition limitations, and prohibiting insurance companies from placing life-time limits or monetary caps on coverage. We urge you to pass healthcare reform now.

Very truly yours,

Related Articles

• Update on Key Legislation Affecting Family Caregivers of Vets (caregiving.com)
• Report Released Today Says You’re in Good Company (caregiving.com)
• Senators Debate Bill Affecting Family Caregivers (caregiving.com)

So what’s the answer? I know that my life is full of stress and that stress is wreaking havoc on my immune system, so shouldn’t I do something about it? Unfortunately, I find that my default stance on just about everything these days is the one of least resistance. Example: Cooking requires too much multitasking, since Gram usually desires my attention while I’m making something. My solution? Throw something frozen into the oven, have mom bring take-out from town, or make a giant bowl of [buttered] popcorn for supper. You know what I had for dinner a few days ago? Pizza and cookie dough…and that’s not an aberration. It’s the norm.

The frustrating part is that outside of my caregiving role, I eat decently and am a proponent of clean-eating and organic whole foods. These days I find myself falling very short of this ideal. Partially because of convenience, as I’ve noted, and partially because I–like many–rely on food for comfort. And I think we can all agree–cookie dough is far more comforting than a skinless chicken breast.

Also, I hate putting seemingly unnecessary pressure on myself, as you can probably all understand. It’s also a fine line for me personally, since I have strong negative feelings towards restrictive dieting. Any amount of regulation feels like I’m forcing something on myself, and I practically panic. Why add more stress to my situation? I already can’t live my life the way I wish I could…why limit my dietary choices as well?

I think the answer for me—and I’d be interested to see what it is for those of you in similar situations—is to focus more on quality of life and the inclusion of healthy choices. Rather than snub fatty foods or baked goods completely, make the extra effort to include healthful choices such as lean meats and vegetables…and somehow sneak in some exercise.

However, if you’re anything like me and are starting out with an already trashed immune system, you may need a little extra backup. I’m currently working on a few additions that I think might aid in keeping me a little healthier, including a little cardio, fresh vegetable juices, a vitamin-mineral supplement, and Echinacea. I have yet to figure out how to practically implement some of these ideas, but I’m sure there’s a way. I would love to hear from any of you to see if you have any secrets to strong immunity, or if you have any other suggestions. After all, if we don’t take care of ourselves, who will take care of us…or our charges?