Hi, Everybody. I wanna share with everybody my condolences, too, over one of our family here’s loss of a parent that I see posted. I have so much respect and sympathy for our caregivers who have made it to that point — nobody wants to be there, and it’s about incrementally increasing caring that does not result in the loved one becoming better off, younger, or healthier. But more loved.
That’s what’s important — that they move on to their next phase the way they came into this world — made out of, with, and for love. I think we all agree that we all will never regret any or all the things we’ve done for loved ones. It’s like a love that never ends, really, and that always comes back to us.
I am writing this at 2:40 am. This is my “safe time” each week — the wee morning hours of Sundays, on the weekends. Is it anybody else’s, too? I don’t know why exactly. But each week, each weekend comes, weekends aren’t what they used to be — they’re pretty much two days of doing different types of work, catch-up work for all the things I couldn’t do during the week with my own job, caring for mom, stuff that is definitely worthwhile but leaving no time for the chores, errands, laundry, bills-paying.
Today was a wonderful day of caregiving for my Mom. We got up early, I got her in the shower and set her hair. We chose her best dress, put on some makeup and got ready to go to her granddaughter’s wedding. Mom said that she didn’t really feel “up to it”, but I encouraged her that it would be okay. She was nervous about being seated in the front row because she “didn’t want to draw attention”. All of that went out the window as soon as she got there. She was the center of attention, but in a wonderful way. My brother was so proud to “walk” her down the aisle. When the bride saw her grandma, her eyes just lit up.
It was a perfect day, and a perfect wedding. Mom has good days and bad days, and today was one of the best days, both physically and mentally, in a very long time. I’m so glad that it all worked out so well.
My Caregiving Friends,
I’ve been putting off writing/posting this entry because it is a difficult message. The majority of my caregiving journey ended after a rapid and unexpected decline in my mother’s health over the last month. Her decline ended with her death on the morning of Monday, August 16th, and we laid her to rest on Saturday, August 21st. As I had promised, I was holding her hand when she transitioned to God – she seemed to suffer so, but I hope her spirit was already gone and her body just had to catch up. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to witness – and I was expecting it to be the beautiful experience it was with my grandfather.
I admitted my mother to hospice care on 7/8, after being told that she was being removed the transplant list after 7 years – too frail to survive the surgery. At that time we were expecting her to be around from one to two years – but she was with us only one month and 8 days. My dad has been on hospice for over 15 months so we were really expecting, and emotionally prepared for, him to go first – but that is not the case.
So I still have caregiving responsibilities, but care for my dad will be light-duty caregiving because he is in a nursing home and on hospice there. He did fall and break his hip (well the femur where it meets the hip) and we had it fixed to prevent pain.
I am still in a state of disbelief and I have never been so sad in my life. I know my mother was very ill and this was the only way she could be healed; she is finally free of pain and illness. I cared for her the best I knew how, gave her joy and laughter, helped rekindle a relationship with God, and helped eased her loneliness. I was good at taking care of her. I have those memories and the knowledge that I helped her all the way up until she went to God. I loved her with everything that I am. She loved me like nobody else can but a mother – unconditionally, irrationally.
Take care,
Derek
I don’t know how to play poker, but I am familiar with having a poker face. And according to Steve, I’m a lot worse at having one than I thought. We had a discussion this morning and his perception is that I express my shock about things both orally and facially. He claims when I am shocked I stand there with my mouth open, and that I am shocked too often, about too many things. I did let him know that I didn’t think I literally stood there with my mouth open and that if I felt something was not his typical behavior, it was appropriate to express my surprise. Guess not!
After running a few errands, which allowed me the time to cool off, I told Steve that for the next week, I will try to have a poker face and will not express my shock or surprise about anything he does or says unless he is about to walk out of the house without wearing pants or shorts.
We used to joke around when I would bite my tongue regarding something. I would stick out my tongue and show him the “hole” in it. Well, I think I may have a pierced tongue by the end of the week!
Wish me luck with this because I think I’m really going to need it!
It’s Saturday! And, it’s the last Saturday in August. So, how will you make today special with a special moment of happiness? Please share in our comments section, below.
And, you can listen to Table Talk, which aired this morning, via the player at the bottom of the post. Today, I answered three questions for you: If my caree isn’t happy, have I failed? Do I fit? And, how much do I share?
Enjoy!!
Resources
- Limits make the way; learn yours in our Caregiving Classes.
- Join our Happiness Project.
- Share your knowledge base through our Council of Caregivers.
- Come to Chicago in November for our First Annual Caregiving Conference.
Related Articles
- The Chemistry of Happiness (caregiving.com)
- Forcing the Issue (caregiving.com)
- Talking Hope (caregiving.com)
- Talking with Katie (caregiving.com)
When Barack Obama’s mother-in-law moved into the White House last year, it brought much-needed attention to America’s multi-generational families. According to the Pew Research Center, in 2008 there were an estimated 49 million Americans, or 16% of the population, living in households with three or more generations, up 33% since 1980. This jump is attributed to a number of factors including the economic downturn and the overall aging of our population.
While Marian Robinson moved into the White House to help care for Barack and Michelle’s two children, many multi-generational families are the result of aging parents who need additional assistance and care.
One of the first dilemmas these families confront is that of space or lack thereof. Privacy also comes into play, as well as how the arrangement will change the family dynamic. All the while, families want to keep their carees as independent as possible for as long as possible.
There are solutions that allow your caree(s) to live close at hand, while maintaining privacy and independence. Considering the average cost of a nursing home stay can reach over $70,000 annually or nearly $6,000 a month, these options may be more cost effective.
This has been quite a day. First of all my husband, Wayne, slept until 11:00. Then we had a difficult transfer from his bed to his chair first thing this morning. A friend of our neighbor was sitting outside visiting with them, and I had to solicit his help to get Wayne into his chair. Wayne had not fallen all the way, but had half slipped. So I could not get him up and into the chair.
Around noon I canceled Wayne’s therapy for the afternoon because I knew he was having a “need to recharge with sleep” day. Wayne ate lunch, and then I was going to transfer him to his recliner chair. I decided it was safer not to do this, so I instead put him way back in his new mobility chair which has a tilt on it. He slept that way for another 5 hours.
It is hard to not let these negative happenings color the rest of the day especially since my back and neck feels strained tonight after this morning’s happenings. We had a few such beautiful days, and then bang another difficult day.
It’s been a week since mum got her tooth pulled. It all went very well as mum woke up calm on that day and we were able to take her to the dentist with no problem. At the dentist, she sat in the chair and opened her mouth, also with no problem.
I took the letter the geriatrician had written to explain why mum had to have her tooth extracted and not root canaled etc. It’s because mum can’t sit in the chair long because of the possibility of choking due to the Parkinson’s. He read the letter carefully and kept it so I’m glad I took it. Then he very quickly took the tooth out and put in a stitch. Mum didn’t bleed and she healed up really fast. Today Dona Edna took out the stitch whilst she was sleeping. So thank God, all went well!
Mum is in a good phase. That means she is eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom. Her routine is to get up, be bathed, get dressed and have breakfast.
Yesterday, on Your Caregiving Journey, Nancy Hanley of My Health Care Manager, took your questions. (You can listen to our show via the player below). The questions she answered included:
1. I’ve been through so many home health aides! I need to find good help for my mom so I can go to work. I’ve had lazy aides, incompetent aides and aides with an attitude. Is it possible to find good help?
2. I want to keep my wife’s activity level and strength at the highest level possible. I have her participate in a few therapy sessions each week. The sessions exhaust her though! She’s exhausted the day after, as well. Am I pushing her too hard? I’m just not sure when to push and when to back off.
3. I’m just beginning to care for my father-in-law with Alzheimer’s. A sister-in-law told me that I should prepare for the day when my father-in-law can no longer live at home. I’m a bit upset thinking about this. Do you think it’s possible to care for someone with Alzheimer’s at home until they die?
And, here’s a link to the resource Nancy mentions in answering the last question:Coach Broyles’ Playbook for Alzheimer’s Caregivers
Related Articles
- When… Did You Know Your Caree Could No Longer Live Alone? (caregiving.com)
- Tell Us: How Do You Describe Your Caregiving Role? (caregiving.com)
- Come to Our First Annual Caregiving Conference! (caregiving.com)
- The Five Qualities of a Stellar Family Caregiver (caregiving.com)
Tags: alzheimer's, coach broyles, frustration, guilt, Hands-On Care, home health aides
Hi caregiving friends,
I’ve mentioned that Mom is handling her upcoming move on Sept. 1st to an adult family home better than I am, in some ways. Today was a busy day. We went and painted her new room in the colors that she chose. She and our daytime caregiver drove separately, and left before we were done painting.
When I got home, Mom was shaking and looking very stressed. It all hit her tonight. I spoiled her rotten. I put her favorite pajamas on, tucked her into bed early in her beautiful bedroom (we built her a home next to us five years ago, and now I spend 5 nights a week there), fixed her some chamomile tea, picked her some flowers from our garden, and put on her favorite CD (Anne Murray’s “What a Wonderful World”). The last song that played before I shut it off was “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. Mom looked much better, but that song did me in!
That’s what I’ve tried so hard to be for her these last many years, as she has been mine all of my life.
We are committed to trying this for a month. The rest of my family (siblings, and my adult kids) are completely convinced that this is the best thing for me. None of them seem to understand why I feel taking care of Mom is MY responsibility, and how much I feel like I’m deserting her right now.
I know my back is giving out. I know that I am exhausted. I also know what Mom would do for me if our roles were reversed, which just doesn’t make it any easier.
So, I’m committed to going forward with this trial period. But it is so hard!
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