Juggling an academic full-time work, with my own health problems, grad school, and supporting mom, I alternate between feelings of nurturing, guilt, resentment, frustration, anger, and sadness. Sometimes I feel I’m doing everything right, but others I sense that nobody understands or supports me.

Ever feel like the rest of the world can express their feelings related to themselves or your family’s current caregiving situation, but when it’s your turn to want to do it, it seems like nobody wants to hear or has time to listen to *you*? I do sometimes. It’s like I’m there to cater to others’ needs, but I’m the one who never has needs of my own.

You might get a lot of this thrown your way converstionally: “Oh, Dee, are you talking about your husband again?” “Dee, you should get out and pursue hobbies or have fun with friends more frequently.” “Dee, I can’t help it, and you’re making me feel hurt or stupid!” I bet you do — and, just copy/paste “Gary” with your name, and that’s often my experience, as well.

More often than not, the caregiving “Monday morning quarterbacks and sideliners,” as I like to refer to the non-caregiving particpants in my life (including the well-meaning ones), will phrase their questions and concerns with regards to the care recipient. Do they ever stop to think of what the burdens or multitasking are doing to the caregivers? Sometimes, I just don’t know.

Maybe we eventually all become so good at it, it’s like some Zen-self-perpetuating thing and we just make it look easy, so people inadvertently think that they don’t need to express worry or empathy as much for us as for our care experiencers. Advocacy for the right to express and support those caregivedrs’ feelings and needs is what I hope to help with more of as time goes on (if I make it!). Hang in there, if only even to remind us of the inspiration your resume of past and ongoing caregiving efforts for your husband have already instilled in us all! ~Gary P./Boston

Thanks.

I also would suggest having an honest discussion with your husband: Tell him you understand the past three years have been a very scary time for both of you. You are here to support him. However, when he becomes verbally abusive, you are leaving the room (or house, etc.). Beginning today, you will no longer tolerate abusive behavior. Then, if he becomes verbally abusive, do just that–leave.

You also can discuss your concerns about his change in behavior. Ask him: Who can help him develop coping skills so he’s better able to manage? Share any information/referrals you’ve received from his physician. Tell him his emotional health is as important to you as his physical health and that is emotional health is critical to the emotional health of your marriage.

If you are concerned about a discussion with him one-on-one, then have a discussion during an appointment with his physician.

Does this help?

Best, Denise