It’s no wonder caregiving has impacted your marriage. According to Penny R. Tupy, professional marriage coach, most marriages face a crisis when a stressor enters the equation. What greater stressor than an illness of a family member?
“Our balance of time gets upsets,” she explains, “and upset by an event that’s not a happy one and that demands a lot of our time.”
As we try to make everyone happy (and our care recipient healthy), we may unknowingly take time away from our marriage, operating on the assumption that our spouse, our soul mate, will understand our need to be with other family members, rather than with them.
Wrong, says Penny. “We need to spend time as a couple. When we short ourselves, weíre not the same couple as before.”
Penny encourages family caregivers to forgive themselves for asking other family members to make short-term sacrifices. “My kid will be okay if I miss a basketball game this week so I can spend time with my spouse,” Penny explains. “My kid wonít be okay if our family falls apart.”
Penny also encourages family caregivers to seek support–but support from the gender to which you are not attracted. Affairs begin when a spouse finds a confidante outside the marriage.
How do you find time to be with your spouse? Penny offers the following suggestions:
1. Schedule the time together like you did when you were dating, as you do (or did) for your kids’ activities. Love takes nurturing, planning and scheduling.
2. The connection you create together is important, rather than the quantity of time spent together.
3. Plan activities that don’t require excess energy.
4. Shoot to have an easy and relaxing time together. The feeling you want to achieve is that of comfort, safety and warmth.
5. Consider getting a family plan cell phone package. Call each other while driving (use a hands-free headset) to keep the lines of communication open.
Penny encourages couples to approach each other with interest: “Be open, interested and available,” she says. And, be positive in your approach with your spouse. A positive approach will net you positive results 70% of the time; a negative one will net negative results 99.9% of the time.
Rekindling the romance
Before caregiving, your romantic life was probably something you could enjoy at will. Now, it seems, your caregiving role has sacrificed not only your free time, but your sex life.
Risky is frisky, says Penny, a phrase she credits a student with coining. For romance to become an ingredient in your relationship, you’ll want to introduce novelty. Penny shares some suggestions:
1. Take salsa dance lessons together.
2. Take any class that’s new to both of you.
3. Do something as a couple you haven’t done before.
4. Open an account at Victoria’s Secret: Lingerie is novelty!
Finally, Penny encourages couples to commit to “playing nice”. Compassion will take you a long way.
Penny suggests:
Why We Love, The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher.
About Penny: Penny R. Tupy is a professional marriage coach. She is the only trained coach who specializes in healing very troubled marriages, specifically those which are rocked by infidelity. Penny is a founding member of Coachville, the world’s largest coaching organization, a founding member of the International Association of Coaches (IAC), as well as a professional member of the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity. For more information, visit http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/.
Making the Connection Means Planning for Time Together
Communication Key to Keeping Marriage on Track
It’s Not Him, It’s My Cabin Fever
Caregiving Poll Results: How Has Caregiving Impacted Your Marriage?
