The stress has taken over her days. The stress has become her life.

I think you can all relate. It’s what makes stress so insidious—it will grip your mind and soul with such a tight hold that it leaves little room for anything else. And, in caregiving, the cures for the stress, like getting more help (sometimes, you can’t get enough) or having Mary attend a local adult day center (there isn’t one nearby) can be an impossibility. It would be great if Mary could take a walk to tire herself out so she sleeps better. But Kristin lives in a remote area, in the mountains, which makes it hard for her and Mary to go out for a walk together. And, it’s long drive into town; a shopping mall for safe walking during the winter isn’t an option.

So, how do you keep Mary occupied long enough so that Kristin can take a break? It’s a caregiver’s conundrum.

We’ve put together a few ideas to increase a caree’s activity (to help promote a better sleep) and/or keep a caree occupied (so you can take a break):

Buck and Buck: The company makes dressing easier. It also makes undressing difficult—which comes in handy if you’d like to keep your caree either clean or simply clothed (or both). For instances, back-zip jumpsuits ensure a caree can’t slip out of clothes or reach into what you don’t want them to reach. Shop here.

Collector’s Choice Music: Purchase your caree’s favorite music, including Big Band, classical/opera and soundtracks. Also available are old radio shows. Visit www.ccmusic.com or call 800-993-6344.

Innovative Caregiving Resources: Researchers from the Gerontology Center at the University of Utah concluded that video respites work—and developed their own series as result. The videos are now available through an unrelated company, Innovative Caregiving Resources. Videos cater to a wide range of care recipients; in “Ladies…Let’s Chat” female carees will enjoy a visit with Diane and her  grandchildren and in “Lunchbreak with Tony” male carees take a lunch break and discuss first cars and stick ball.  Other videos are geared toward specific ethnicities (Hispanic, African Americans, Jewish) and toward holidays, such as Christmas. For more information, visit www.videorespite.com or call 1-800-249-5600 .

NASCO: Its online catalog, at www.enasco.com/senioractivities, features products to captivate your caree. You’ll products for persons with Alzheimer’s, as well as puzzles, games, sing-a-long videos and arts and crafts. You’ll want to peruse this company’s catalog and/or web site; it offers great ideas on how to keep you caree occupied with meaningful activites. Call for catalog: 800-558-9595.

Alzheimer’s Store: You’ll find products that keep your caree. Products are categorized by stages (Early Stage, Middle Stage and Later Stage), wandering, safety, forgetfullness. Visit www.alzstore.com or call 800-752-3238.

Puzzles and Games: You can find puzzles specifically for persons with dementia. Check out Memory Jogging Puzzles, MGC Puzzles, DignifieDesigns and Springbook Puzzles. You also can find more game ideas at Marbles the Brain Store; if you’re unsure of which game would be appropriate for your caree, call (877) 527-2460 to speak with a Marbles’ “brain coach” who can offer suggestions.

Sit and Be Fit: Sit and Be Fit is a line of exercise videos developed and lead by Mary Ann Wilson, who you’ve probably seen on your local PBS station. Mary Ann has tapes for persons with chronic illnesses, such as arthritis and Parkinson’s, as well as tapes for persons new to an exercise program. “The Caregiver’s Guide To Exercise Video” is perfect for carees who are wheelchair and bed-bound. Call 509-448-9438 to learn about the right exercise video for you and your caree. Or visit the Sit and Be Fit web site at www.sitandbefit.com.

Senior Yoga: In this DVD, yoga teacher Debbie Russo leads you through a series of chair poses to help you and your caree increase your strength, endurance and flexibility. You’ll enjoy improved balance and stress relief. Learn more here.

No-cost activity ideas include folding laundry, organizing recipes and looking through old photos. Your caree also may be able to complete simple household tasks, like water the plants or help with cooking or baking or help feed and groom the pets. You also can reminisce, asking questions about a caree’s past, and play a favorite DVD of a treasured event (like a family member’s wedding). You also can ask family and friends to regularly call and write letters or send cards.

I’d love to add your suggestions as well. In our comments section, please tell us: How do you keep your caree occupied?

Reminders: Our next talk show airs on Tuesday, January 10, at 7:30 p.m. ET. And, I have our question (inspired by our show with Kristin): How can our communities help prevent family caregiver burn-out? Call in and share your suggestions; first caller wins. You can listen here. And, we chat on Twitter tonight (January at 8 p.m. ET (7 p.m. CT, 5 p.m. PT) about your best caregiving tips. To join us, just go to tweetchat.com, sign in with your Twitter credentials and use our hashtag: carechat. Finally, be sure to sign up for one of our classes; you’ll be amazed at what you learn about yourself!

Related Articles

• Encouraging Kristin (caregiving.com)
• Alzheimer’s and Hospice (caregiving.com)
• *This* Is My Life (caregiving.com)
• Your Caree Declines, Your Health Care Costs Increase (caregiving.com)
• To Kristin’s We Went (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Unexpected Benefit? (caregiving.com)
• What Do You Know About Caregiving That the World Doesn’t? (caregiving.com)
• A Tip for a Tough Day: Appoint a Love Substitute (caregiving.com)

My biggest takeaway from 2011? Worrying wastes my time. (I still worry but I’m trying to remember that it really wastes my time.) The worrying just adds more stress when I’m already stressed. Rather than worry, I’m much better off when I take action or ask for help or accept a reality. More important, instead of worrying, I can choose to trust and believe that solutions exists. I may not see the solutions today, but I can trust I will know them tomorrow.

I’d love to know: Which lesson did you learn in 2011 that you will bring into this year? Please share yours in our comments section below. We’ll choose a winner to receive Take Time, A Journal and Journey Toward Greater Happiness During an Unhappy Time (Caregiving). And, congrats to Janet, who won Take Comfort, the CD set and book, for sharing her six-word wish for 2012. (Update: Oops! Janet already won Take Comfort, the CD set and book, so she’ll receive a copy of Take Time. Connie will receive Take Comfort, the CD set and book. Congrats to Janet and Connie.)

Resources
–Our free webinar will take place on Wednesday, January 4, at 11 a.m. CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. PT). We’ll take about how to give yourself a chance in 2012. To join the webinar, just come back to the website at 1 a.m. CT (Noon ET, 9 a.m. PT) on January 4.

—Need help setting resolutions for 2012? You can listen to last year’s webinar, Seven Ways to Make 2011 Your Most Special Year, for ideas. You can listen to the archive here.

Related Articles

• Letting Go Versus Giving Up (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Wish for 2012? (caregiving.com)
• Webinar Follow-Up: How Will You Manage Family Meetings? (caregiving.com)
• Webinar Follow-Up: What’s Your Escape? (caregiving.com)
• Webinar Follow-Up: Which Gift Will You Give Yourself? (caregiving.com)
• Webinar Follow-Up: How Will You End the Blame Game? (caregiving.com)

The inspiration for our show was a recent article in The Wall Street Journal that talked about the importance of setting the right mood for your day in the morning. Elizabeth and I shared ideas on how you can start your day and how you can transition to and from your caregiving morning routine.

I’d love to know: How do you start your day? Do you have a ritual which begins your day? Please share in our comments section, below.

Related Articles

• Table Talk: Trish (caregiving.com)
• Wow (caregiving.com)
• Simply, Forgive (caregiving.com)
• Healing Your Pain (caregiving.com)
• Family Caregivers Count (caregiving.com)
• Easy (caregiving.com)

Once in awhile, my memory will give me a break and dwell on those actions or decisions which were quite smart. Thinking of those smart moments in my life gives me hope that my future will include more smart decisions.

So, I’d love to know: What’s the smartest thing you’ve done as a family caregiver? Perhaps you switched your caree’s doctor and now you both have a resource and an advocate. Maybe you moved your caree into an assisted living facility at what you now can see was the right time. Or, perhaps you rearranged the house so that care can take place conveniently and efficiently.

What’s the smartest thing you’ve done as a family caregiver? Please share in our comments section, below.

Updates

• Your Caregiving Journey airs twice today! At 11:30 a.m. ET, Claire Day, Vice President of Constituent Services for the Alzheimer’s Association Delaware Valley Chapter, answers your questions about dementia. At 3 p.m. ET, we have our Caregiving Book Club discussion. This month, we’re reading The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey by me. G-J steps in as show host to interview me. To listen to both shows, visit here. We’ve got more shows coming up this week; view the schedule here.

Related Articles

• I’m Enough, So I’ve Had Enough (of the Doritos) (caregiving.com)
• Talking with G-J (caregiving.com)
• Answers to Your Questions about Dementia Care (caregiving.com)
• We’re Planning for November; Wanna Help? (caregiving.com)
• Does Sharing Make You a Better Caregiver? (caregiving.com)
• Tell Us: In Six Words, What’s Your Responsibility? (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Simple Caregiving Tip? (caregiving.com)
• Do We Need a POA for Love? (caregiving.com)
• A Bad Day? Or, a Decline? (caregiving.com)
• You Told Us About Dementia (caregiving.com)
• Go (caregiving.com)

Way back then, the only thing that would get her in the tub was if I told her she had a doctor appt the next day. That usually did it after coaxing for an hour… Needless to say… I told her that every other day! Those little fibs we have to tell… That’s a very hard thing in itself to deal with initially… You don’t tell fibs to mama! LOL. That changed.. For her own good.

Her comment comes on the heels of an article yesterday on The New York Times’ The New Old Age Blog. In “White Lies and Worse,” author Paula Span wrote about two friends who don’t disclose the truth to their aging parents. One tells her mom that the doctor has prescribed a stomach relaxer rather than Xanax. A second reported her mom to the state division of motor vehicles to keep her mom off the road.

But that’s not the interesting part of the story. The interesting part is the insights from professionals, a gerontologist and an ethicist, about an aspect of caregiving (Kinda Fibbing) that’s rather common place. The professionals encourage truth-telling, although recognize that a cognitive impairment may mean we choose communication that minimizes harm (i.e., Kinda Fibbing) and, in Karen’s case, gets the bathing done.

So, I’m curious: When do you fib to your caree? How do you feel about the fibbing? Share in our comments section, below.

Related Articles

• I’m Ready. Will You Help Me? (caregiving.com)
• Forgiveness: Opening the Door You Kept Shut (caregiving.com)
• Two Worlds (caregiving.com)

I’d love for you to tell us more. For instance, do you feel like you look in the mirror and wonder what happened? Do you feel like you’ve lost your ability to enjoy what you used to? Or, do you look around and think: How did I get to where I don’t belong?

Perhaps others have told you that they don’t recognize you. And, perhaps, you don’t recognize your old friends because who they are seemed to be who you were a lifetime ago.

Share your thoughts about losing yourself in our comments section, below. And, if you found what you lost, please share that, too.

Updates

We’re so glad to meet our newest members:

• Kimberly, who cares for her son (and could use some words of encouragement);
• MimbyNYC, who cares for her mom and her aunt;
• Kim, who cares for her mother;
• Aurora, who cares for a grandparent;
• Linda, who cares for her husband and 7-year-old grandson.

We’d love for you to join us, too. Just go here.

Related Articles

• Visit our Caregiving Art Show (caregiving.com)
• Labor (caregiving.com)
• Tell Us: When Does Caregiving Steal Your Spirit? (caregiving.com)
• Accepting to Find the Fairness of Life (caregiving.com)
• Tell Us: What Do You Take Too Seriously? (caregiving.com)
• A Bad Day? Or, a Decline? (caregiving.com)
• Forgiveness: Opening the Door You Kept Shut (caregiving.com)

The tips mentioned in the article include:

• using the Family and Medical Leave Act in order to create plans, manage emergencies, transition your caree into another care setting;
• checking with your HR Department to learn about resources available to you which can help, including an Employee Assistance Program or Work/Life benefit;
• talking with your boss about a plan to mange your work load and your caregiving responsibilities;
• carving out time for your own hobbies and interests;
• keeping focused on the present and letting go of the “what was.”

I’d love to know what tips you would add. How do you manage work and caregiving? Do you have tips about how to work effectively with co-workers when you’re also swamped with caregiving? How do you manage an unsupportive boss? Do you worry about whether or not to quit your job? Or, do you keep you job out of financial necessity or because it provides a respite from caregiving?

Please share your experiences and thoughts in our comments section, below.

Resources

• You’ll find tips on how to manage caregiving and your career (including your small business) here.
• A back-up plan is a necessity in caregiving, regardless of whether or not you work. You’ll find articles which can help you create back-up plans here.

Related Articles

• Your Value: $450 Billion (caregiving.com)
• Tell Us: When Does Caregiving Steal Your Spirit? (caregiving.com)
• Caregiving’s Cost: $3 Trillion in Lost Wages, Pension and Social Security Benefits (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Simple Caregiving Tip? (caregiving.com)
• Easy (caregiving.com)
• I’m Enough, So I’ve Had Enough (of the Doritos) (caregiving.com)
• Does Sharing Make You a Better Caregiver? (caregiving.com)
• A 15th Year Celebration (caregiving.com)

“Does anyone feel like there spirit has been broken being a caregiver?,” she wrote. “I am doing what I need to do but I feel like my spirit is broken.”

Caregiving can get the best of you in a day, when a phone call brings more bad news or a dementia behavior demands one more ounce of patience than you have.

But, it’s awful when it bests you in spirit. When you feel like somehow your life is moving too fast away from your finger tips. Or, when you feel that you can’t look good simply because you don’t feel good any more. Or, when you drive to the grocery story every day because your car is the only place you can cry.

And, it’s really awful when you don’t feel you have anyone in your life who can understand how it feels to lose your spirit.

So, tell us. Please share in our comments section how and when you feel caregiving takes your spirit. And, more importantly, if you found the spirit you lost, please share that, too.

Related Articles

• A Twitter Party to Launch Our Summer Break (caregiving.com)
• In Six Words, What’s Your Simple Caregiving Tip? (caregiving.com)
• Song (caregiving.com)
• 15 Wishes (caregiving.com)
• I’m Enough, So I’ve Had Enough (of the Doritos) (caregiving.com)

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Heather begins her day the same way: Up at 5:30 a.m., shower, four bites of a granola bar, hair in a headband. Then, she dons the gloves, carefully and steadfastly placing each finger into the latex glove. She’s ready for the part of the day she dreads.

She wakes her mom and begins the morning care. Her mom has intensive and extensive care needs, so morning care can take as long as 60 minutes. She guides and cues her mom as she turns, lifts, adjusts, wipes and dries.

Her mom used to try to use the 60 minutes together for pleasant conversation. Heather just ignored her pleasantries. This is serious business, Heather thinks to herself. And, I hate it.

So, although Heather’s feet hit the floor at 5:30, her day really starts at 5, when her pounding heart wakes her. No need for an alarm clock, the anxiety she feels about providing her mom’s personal care opens her eyes every morning.

Until one morning, when the anxiety, sweating palms and upset stomach seems to win. Which makes Heather feel like she’s lost. And, feeling like she’s on the losing end of the battle leads to an important insight for Heather: Hating this one hour of my day is ruining my life, she thinks. And, it’s making a nursing home seem more and more like the only option.

Deciding something’s gotta change, Heather begins the morning care with a conversation. “Mom, I’m struggling here,” Heather says. “How do you think our morning care routine is working?”

“I hate it!,” her mother responds. “It’s not what we do but how we do it. You look like you’re mad at the world for the whole hour. Couldn’t we lighten up a bit?”

So, they do. Heather gives herself  more quiet time when she wakes, realizing she pushed morning care to a way-too-early start just to get it over with. A later start gives her more time for a bowl of cereal rather than a few bites of a granola bar. It also gives her time for quick walk with her dog.

Now, when morning care begins, Heather feels full—from a good breakfast, fresh air and a new perspective. “I’m grateful for the time I have with Mom,” she says before morning care begins. And, now during care, she and her mom watch the Today show, chatting about the news and comparing notes on stories. Personal care can now take longer, but Heather doesn’t notice. It’s becoming a favorite part of her day.

Caregiving is serious business. But, its serious nature can lead you to hate it and all that it entails. And, most likely it’s already awful, so why add a bad attitude?

The cure for what you hate could be levity and humor. Finding humor and fun could turn what you hate into what you at least can tolerate.

So, I wonder: What do you take too seriously? And, how can you lighten up? Share your thoughts and ideas in our comments section, below. One of our commenters will receive an autographed copy of my book, “Good Morning! Sunny Reflections to Start Your Day.”

Resources

• We’re taking submissions for our Caregiving Art Show and our Help book! Be sure to share your art and your story with the world.
• Our 2011 Family Caregiver Survey report offers a snapshot into the day and life of a family caregiver. Purchase the report for just $9.95 here. (Did you complete the survey? You get the report for free; email Denise to request.)
• Sign up for one of our three-week caregiving classes, including Three-Word Journaling. The classes take place conveniently over the phone and help you feel better exactly where you are. Register here.
• The August Board Report (my report to you about our August events and happenings) took place on Thursday. It’s a 15-minute webinar which you can view here.

Related Articles

• What’s Enough? (caregiving.com)
• When Was Your Last Day Off? (caregiving.com)
• Your Value: $450 Billion (caregiving.com)
• Do We Need a POA for Love? (caregiving.com)
• Does Sharing Make You a Better Caregiver? (caregiving.com)
• The Nine Miracle Steps (caregiving.com)

The interviewer, Phil Ponce, asked Jane an interesting question during the interview. During caregiving, he asked, can you get your life back?

No, she answered. You don’t get your life back.

She added that she wished someone had told her that she wasn’t going to get her life back because knowing that would have meant she slowed down.

So, I’m curious: During caregiving, can you get your life back? What do you think? Please share your thoughts in our comments section. And, you can listen to the complete interview with Jane via the player below.